Moving Abroad Leaving Parent With Alzheimer's

[Hopeful1]

Out of the blue, my husband has received an incredible 'once in a lifetime' job offer but the catch is that we would need to move abroad for it. We are minded to go as it is unlikely that this type of offer will ever come again but the massive sticking point is that we will be leaving behind my parents.

Leaving aside the fact that I'm stuck between the stark choices of feeling guilty for leaving or feeling resentful for not being able to leave, I wondered if anyone might be able to offer any advice on caring from afar?

Background in brief: Dad provides day to day 'care' for my mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/dementia last year. During the previous 6 years or so he has spent a great deal of time complaining to me about Mum's symptoms but very little, if any time doing anything proactive to help himself or her. To be frank a lot of what he does makes things worse. I got Mum diagnosed and she's now in the system as far as the medical side of things is concerned. They are both pretty isolated socially and Dad's the type that waits for help to find him rather than searching things out for himself. Currently I'm a two hour drive from them and I'm the only daughter in the UK.

 

[LYN T]

Hi

If I were you I would probably accept the job. You are two hours away now so are probably being supportive with regular phone calls etc? You can still do that when you are abroad. Where are you thinking of going? If it's Europe there are plenty of cheap flights home nowadays.

If you do decide to go I would suggest you contact your Mum's SW if she has one. If not a call to the Social Services in her area would help.You could explain your Dad's isolation and your position.Your Dad could benefit from your Mum going to a day care centre or carers coming in, or even information regarding Singing for the Brain meetings in their area.

I'm so sorry your Mums health is going to take the gloss off your move, but you do have to think about yourself and your Husband also.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Noorza]

As a hands on daily carer for Mum, it can be thankless, it's hard but I am sure if your mum was well, she'd be telling you that you have to live your life and stay in touch by skype etc.

If I were you before you go set up some or all of the following even if they don't need it now.

Get the emergency necklace for your mum so it's there if she needs it and will go through to a switchboard and they'll call the emergency services if needed, get them a key box so if there is an emergency the services will have the key code and can let themselves in, arrange for an OT to assess your mum's needs, see if they need a social worker to monitor things.

I am sure there will be other things to consider but overall what I am trying to say is set it up before you go if your Dad isn't going to do after you have gone.

I'd live your life your parents still do have each other and try to ditch the "guilt" that we all suffer from while I know that's easier said than done.

 

[virg]

Maybe I'm misreading this but you put that you are the only daughter in the UK. Does that mean there are other siblings and maybe it's time for them to help more?

 

[stillcaring]

we had a similar situation earlier this year, but ended up staying in the UK because of our son - there was an international school he could have done 6th form at but he would have had to do International baccalaureate and really didn't want to. If not I think we'd have gone for it though - after all it would have been what my mum would have wanted for us when she was well.

 

[Hopeful1]

Lyn, thank you very much for responding to my posting with your invaluable advice. You're right regarding my role being generally more supportive in nature and I will look into social services side of things as I think there may well be a social worker or some kind of support worker in place.

 

[LYN T]

Lyn, thank you very much for responding to my posting with your invaluable advice. You're right regarding my role being generally more supportive in nature and I will look into social services side of things as I think there may well be a social worker or some kind of support worker in place.

I did have another thought regarding your Dad. Could he be suffering from depression? Do you think that's why he hasn't been proactive in getting any help?

Mind you if he's coping on his own he's probably run out of energy. Also try phoning the Local Alzheimer's helpline in his area.They are generally very helpful.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Hopeful1]

Maybe I'm misreading this but you put that you are the only daughter in the UK. Does that mean there are other siblings and maybe it's time for them to help more?

Yes, I do have a sister who moved to New Zealand prior to the diagnosis. So just out of sheer practicality, I was the one who route marched them to the GP's to start the ball rolling on the diagnosis and medical aspect. I have dealt with the paperwork; the Power of attorney and the general nagging/cajoling/encouraging to get Dad moving at an albeit glacial pace on things. I'm not really sure that my sister would be able to do much more from where she is.

 

[Hopeful1]

I did have another thought regarding your Dad. Could he be suffering from depression? Do you think that's why he hasn't been proactive in getting any help?

Mind you if he's coping on his own he's probably run out of energy. Also try phoning the Local Alzheimer's helpline in his area.They are generally very helpful.

Take care

Lyn T

Thanks Lyn for the suggestion. I'm almost 100% sure that it's not depression. He's always been this way. I didn't want to clutter the original post with examples but here's just one to get a flavour. The reason it took so many years to get a diagnosis was in part taken up by him waiting 2 years for a call back from the GP. The GP had clearly forgotten about referring Mum to a memory clinic as sometimes happens and Dad stubbornly didn't chase it up because in his words 'the doctor said he would get back to me'. I spent a great deal of time now chasing on his behalf

 

[singp]

Hopeful1, I'm sorry but I had to smile about your Dad waiting 2 years for a call back from the doctor because he sounds exactly like my Dad who is also carer for my Mum with Alzheimers. I was living abroad for 3 years after my mum's diagnosis. One thing that gave me a bit of comfort was something called Peace of Mind for Carers. The carer carries a card in his wallet or a key fob saying that he is a carer for... If there is an emergency, such that your Dad cannot care for your Mum, the carers centre will provide cover free of charge for I think 72 hours and also contact the persons named on the plan. That would give you time to fly home and take over or organise something else. I think different areas operate different versions but the local Alzheimers Society would know. I think the key is to be as prepared as possible before you go so if there is some sort of crisis you know what to do. Then you will worry less and can enjoy this opportunity.

 

[cragmaid]

There comes a time when you have to do what is right for the future you, and not just for the present one. Bear in mind that, "God Forbid", the proverbial bus might come along ( probably on the day you didn't wear your good knickers like your Mum probably advised....well mine does)...and end your responsibility. Someone else will HAVE to take over then.
When ( as I hope you can ) and if you decide to go on this adventure, you will have primed the GP and the Social Workers...shown your Dad how to do those irritating little jobs and how to use skype so that you can keep in touch and put your mind at ease as best you can. Then off you go and enjoy it. Take it from me, a life full of "if onlys" is mssing something.

 

[LYN T]

Thanks Lyn for the suggestion. I'm almost 100% sure that it's not depression. He's always been this way. I didn't want to clutter the original post with examples but here's just one to get a flavour. The reason it took so many years to get a diagnosis was in part taken up by him waiting 2 years for a call back from the GP. The GP had clearly forgotten about referring Mum to a memory clinic as sometimes happens and Dad stubbornly didn't chase it up because in his words 'the doctor said he would get back to me'. I spent a great deal of time now chasing on his behalf

Dear me. Now I can see where you are coming from

Take care

Lyn T

 

[marsaday]

Hi Hopeful, Like the name.

Your post struck a cord with me because I would love to move away in a few year's time if everything is right financially and if my son is still in agreement, as this would mean finishing his last 2 years in an international school. We really have thought seriously about and researched this and it seems not only possible but probable-and we are all in agreement at the minute that if it works out as planned we will go on ahead anyway- that's an achievement in itself, for a family to agree on something major like that.

BUT, Mum has Alz-mod/late stage, moving into nursing home soon. I, like you, have sorted everything this past few years. I do live very close though and my mum has always relied on me so of course it's going to be a big decision (if she's still around in a few years.) And of course there will be judgements from brothers-why should I get to clear off etc.

I try to tell myself I will go anyway and my future is more important. I have no guilt that I didn't do enough-I did everything for her. BUT when the time comes-will I go?
I really don't know and I will follow your decision with interest.

Most people who live far away and who worry about elderly parents are thinking of coming home or moving them closer not the opposite like us. You have had good advice so far. I would like to think you will go. Good luck with the decision.

 

[Hopeful1]

Hopeful1, I'm sorry but I had to smile about your Dad waiting 2 years for a call back from the doctor because he sounds exactly like my Dad who is also carer for my Mum with Alzheimers. I was living abroad for 3 years after my mum's diagnosis. One thing that gave me a bit of comfort was something called Peace of Mind for Carers. The carer carries a card in his wallet or a key fob saying that he is a carer for... If there is an emergency, such that your Dad cannot care for your Mum, the carers centre will provide cover free of charge for I think 72 hours and also contact the persons named on the plan. That would give you time to fly home and take over or organise something else. I think different areas operate different versions but the local Alzheimers Society would know. I think the key is to be as prepared as possible before you go so if there is some sort of crisis you know what to do. Then you will worry less and can enjoy this opportunity.

Dear Singp, thank you for your kind response and helpful, practical advice. I truly thought my Dad was a one of a kind until your message It took me a couple of hours to word my original thread (and I'm usually really speedy with my words) as I kept descending into wordy examples and then deleting what I thought other members would 'never believe'.

I think that your and Lyn T's responses have hit the nail on the head. I needed reminding that my role is only supportive as I've been dwelling on those examples where I've swept in to get things moving or sorted out and probably inflating my current role somewhat. That there are practical steps that can be put in place prior to my departure to cover emergencies certainly helps in taking the edge off my worries.

 

[Hopeful1]

Hi Hopeful, Like the name.

Your post struck a cord with me because I would love to move away in a few year's time if everything is right financially and if my son is still in agreement, as this would mean finishing his last 2 years in an international school. We really have thought seriously about and researched this and it seems not only possible but probable-and we are all in agreement at the minute that if it works out as planned we will go on ahead anyway- that's an achievement in itself, for a family to agree on something major like that.

BUT, Mum has Alz-mod/late stage, moving into nursing home soon. I, like you, have sorted everything this past few years. I do live very close though and my mum has always relied on me so of course it's going to be a big decision (if she's still around in a few years.) And of course there will be judgements from brothers-why should I get to clear off etc.



I try to tell myself I will go anyway and my future is more important. I have no guilt that I didn't do enough-I did everything for her. BUT when the time comes-will I go?
I really don't know and I will follow your decision with interest.

Most people who live far away and who worry about elderly parents are thinking of coming home or moving them closer not the opposite like us. You have had good advice so far. I would like to think you will go. Good luck with the decision.

Thanks Marsaday for your thoughts. In reading your response, I wondered if your situation was even more of a predicament than mine! I feel for you and think that at least I am benefitting one way or the other from there being a clear timetable and deadline for a decision to be made. I'll keep you posted

 

[Hopeful1]

There comes a time when you have to do what is right for the future you, and not just for the present one. Bear in mind that, "God Forbid", the proverbial bus might come along ( probably on the day you didn't wear your good knickers like your Mum probably advised....well mine does)...and end your responsibility. Someone else will HAVE to take over then.
When ( as I hope you can ) and if you decide to go on this adventure, you will have primed the GP and the Social Workers...shown your Dad how to do those irritating little jobs and how to use skype so that you can keep in touch and put your mind at ease as best you can. Then off you go and enjoy it. Take it from me, a life full of "if onlys" is mssing something.

Sage words indeed Maureen. I'll be adding a review of my knicker draw to my 'to do' list as I've been a bit lapse on that front recently Seriously though, a big thank you for your response. I appreciate your take on this - it has made me feel better.

 

[Hopeful1]

As a hands on daily carer for Mum, it can be thankless, it's hard but I am sure if your mum was well, she'd be telling you that you have to live your life and stay in touch by skype etc.

If I were you before you go set up some or all of the following even if they don't need it now.

Get the emergency necklace for your mum so it's there if she needs it and will go through to a switchboard and they'll call the emergency services if needed, get them a key box so if there is an emergency the services will have the key code and can let themselves in, arrange for an OT to assess your mum's needs, see if they need a social worker to monitor things.

I am sure there will be other things to consider but overall what I am trying to say is set it up before you go if your Dad isn't going to do after you have gone.

I'd live your life your parents still do have each other and try to ditch the "guilt" that we all suffer from while I know that's easier said than done.

I really appreciate your helpful and insightful advice Noorza. You're right that Mum, when well, would have said go. She did just that when my sister left the UK. I guess that since the job offer last week, overwhelmingly and maybe strangely, my main concern has been for my Father. I've been feeling that if I go, I'll be pulling the proverbial rug from under his feet.

 

[Carer_london]

Sorry to hear about your situation but am I the only one that thinks you should stay?

Our parents have supported us when we were young and vulnerable and, now that they're frail and in their dotage, surely it's our turn to support them?

Also I have always lived life according to this adage: Walk in another man's moccasins. How would you like it if you were frail and confused, like your Mum, and your children left you when you most needed them?

also if your Dad has coped with this situation for the past 6 years, he's in danger of going into crisis because he's exposed to the situation 24x7.

That said though, your GP is your first contact for ongoing support for your Mum and / or Dad ie referral to social services.

Also your local carers' centre will give excellent advice.

You're in a lucky position in that your husband is in work at the moment. I'm struggling to get work but, even though I could venture overseas for work, I feel that I'm doing the right thing being at hand when my 88 year old mother is becoming increasingly frail and confused with Dementia. So, when I get to the end of my life, whilst I may not have earned as much as others or had others' travel experiences, I will know that I have done my best to provide a frail, elderly lady who is vulnerable, with the best care available. In short, I have done my best. And no amount of money or travel experience could replace that.

In fact, I was at my Mum's last night (she's in sheltered accommodation and I have broadband fitted there so that I can work whilst keeping an eye on here). When she was going to bed, she smiled at me and said 'love you'. Even though I am having THE most difficult time work-wise at the moment & am very worried about money, that comment meant more to me than any amount of money or any number of diamonds. And, in that moment, I knew that I was doing the right thing supporting a frail, confused, elderly lady who's coming to the end of her life.

If you stay, there will be other adventures I'm sure.