Moving a much loved relative into a care home

[kariann]

I posted some comments a couple of months ago about having to move my mum into a care home.She had lived in her home almost 60 years and I was feeling terrible about her having to move.
However I am pleased to say she is settling really well after 6 weeks and the care home have been wonderful. She has been out with some of the other residents, gets up every morning and takes part in the activities, eats well and generally seems happy. When she mentions her old home i just try to distract her. She has very poor short term memory but her quality of life is good and she has lovely experiences in the moment, so I don't worry that she can't remeber them.

My advice to anyone going through the same situation is not to feel guilty if you have no choice but place a realtive into care. However it is worth visiting many homes and talking to people who have first hand experience before choosing the right place. Thank you for the helpful comments.

 

[josephinewilson]

I can only agree with these comments, having been in exactly the same situation. My mum went in on Wednesday and seems much happier with the company of others, constant attention (and cups of tea) rather than not coping, all on her own in her flat. I'd also stress looking around various care homes too. The one my mother is in was one where I just turned up out of the blue - and they were fine, letting me look around, answering all my questions.

 

[cat64]

yes I too say look at at lots of homes and get a gut feeling about it....its like putting your child into a nursery!
We saw 10 and luckily the one we liked the best happened to have a vacancy 3 weeks later.....so mum has now just had her first week....think she's ok not sure I am........feel a bit shellshocked. do you both feel like that.???..the anticipation was so bad ..... waiting to take her then now we have feel just awful even though its the right decision.

 

[looviloo]

So pleased to here that your situation is a positive one, Kariann, that must be some relief to you. It's a difficult decision and a stressful time, but much easier if the PWD is happy and well-cared for.

My dad moved to a care home about 10 months ago, and we've had a few ups and downs but I cannot fault the care home, who have been very supportive. As for visiting many homes, I second that too.... the place we chose had the 'right feel' from the moment I walked in on my first visit. It helps the whole family if everyone is happy and comfortable with the care home.

cat64, I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach for some time after dad moved into care. It was awful. But we all slowly got used to the new situation, and I would do it all again even though it was incredibly hard. Good luck to you all, just give it more time... x

 

[Autumn16]

Kariann - your post is so reassuring. I am currently going through the process of finding a suitable CH for my mother. My rational head says she'll benefit from the move now as she'll be cared for 24/7, have company and stimulation. My less rational head says it will be such an upheaval for her that her condition will deteriorate faster. Out of interest, is the CH far from where your mother did live? The move for my mother will involve moving a distance from where she lives at present, to live close by to me (eg. no opportunity to try with day care first)?

 

[Amy in the US]

Kariann, thank you for your very reassuring and helpful post. I am glad to hear your mum is settling reasonably well and hope things continue to go well for you. It is a huge relief to know your mother (or other relative/PWD) is safe and well fed and warm and looked after; I've been there with my mother.

A note for Autumn16: I moved my mother 100 miles, from the city where she'd lived for 50 years and which she certainly considered as "home," from her house (condominium) of over 20 years, to a care home much closer to me. She is now ten miles away, about a 15 minute drive, instead of 100 miles.

I felt a lot of agony at the time about this, and still occasionally have a pang, as there were good care home options there and I felt it cruel to rip her away from her home. However, I got a lot of advice from different quarters at the time, to move her closer to me. I'm an only child and my husband and I are it, in terms of her family and people who would visit. There was one neighbor in her former city who would have visited, and a couple of other people who might have (but might not have). It seemed to make more sense to have her physically closer to me, so that is what we did.

Did she talk about it and was she upset about leaving her home? Yes, occasionally, at first. But in addition to the Alzheimer's she also has poor short term memory and while she sometimes knows she is here instead of there, sometimes she doesn't, and often these days she doesn't seem to care, or at least she doesn't mention it. She has made friends at the care home and she does have pleasure in activities and company in the moment, so that has to be enough.

She has mostly stopped talking about "going home," and with much less upset/distress than before.

As far as the upheaval of the move, I am not sure it makes much of a difference if it's one mile or a thousand miles away, but that probably depends on the person, their circumstances, and a lot of other uncontrollable factors. My mother moved into the care home after a couple of weeks in hospital following a crisis, so anything was going to be stressful.

If I had to do it again I would not hesitate to move my mother closer to me; that long drive was wearing me down. It's also very easy to go and see her, have a meeting with the staff in person, or take her things. I think it's important to have some kind of "presence" at the care home, even though my mother can't remember we were there.

Regarding deterioration, my mother actually improved after the move to the care home, but that's just her story and your experience may be different. Sometimes the deterioration families see in a PWD in the hospital or care home is just that, or is due to an infection or other illness, but sometimes it's actually a more accurate representation of the progression of the disease as the PWD is no longer able to "cover" or "cope" as they were in their familiar (but often unsuitable/dangerous/unhealthy) environment.

I hope there was something helpful in there. Best wishes to you all.

 

[Autumn16]

Thank you Amy in the US, your experience is also reassuring. It must have been such a relief for you once your Mother settled into the CH after having been in hospital (that in itself must have been a stressful experience for both of you). My biggest fear is my Mother agreeing beforehand to go into the CH but forgetting she's agreed and once there, being against it. She's borderline in terms of having the capacity to make the decision herself, which is in itself a difficulty. However, I have looked at several CHs and am comfortable with the one I've chosen and think she could be happy and thrive there (relatively speaking).