Moved to care home - deterioration

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by MissDiane, Jul 30, 2015.

  1. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Mum has moderate/severe dementia been in a residential care home now for just over 3 weeks. On the whole she says she's settling in but on occasions will get very upset about not being able to go home.

    This is usually triggered when dad visits, when he leaves this upsets her every time. Dad is finding it incredibly hard adjusting to being on his own and i'm not sure if he says things which make her feel she wants to go with him. (He visits nearly every day). I've raised this issue with him and he denies it but the manager says she overheard him saying he wants her home.

    There were very good reasons why mum went into the home and these things cannot be changed as far as I can see. She went there for her safety and wellbeing. Dad could not cope and was losing his temper, a lot. The decision involved many professionals who agreed it was the only option.

    Since being in the home she has been eating and drinking well. Gets on with the staff Ok and a couple of the residents. BUT...

    Her walking has deteriorated a lot, she is also very unsteady
    He confusion has increased significantly and she often talks about things that don't make a lot of sense to me, about children being in the home etc
    She has started having accidents wetting the bed
    She gets very bored (there are no activities but she was never one to get involved anyway)

    I don't know if we should stick with it, would these things have happened anyway or has the stress triggered these new problems.

    The only solution in dad's mind is to have a live in carer, which mum won't agree too, and they can't manage otherwise. They had carer's 4 times a day but mum used to flip as she did not like the intrusion and was jealous of the girls who chatted to dad a lot.

    I wish there was an alternative. I know she is safe, warm, well fed and looked after but I also know she has got a lot worse in 3 weeks, and gets upset sometimes.

    I know there is no magic solution I suppose I just wanted to hear some views. What would you do? A very worried daughter.
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Its early days- she may well have deteriorated at the same rate at home.

    dad will always want her home, of course he will and perhaps if you reassure him that you do understand that, but it just isn't possible at the moment, he might settle better on his own. Does he have any interests / friends that could inject anything back into his life to occupy him?

    I'd leave things as they are for now. Let dad visit as often as he needs- how many years have they been together? He needs to work his way through things too.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello MissDiane

    It`s why your mum went into residential care in the first place, because her condition was deteriorating and because it was too difficult for your dad, even with help. The help wasn`t enough.

    I had the same doubts when my husband went into residential care. They stayed with me for a good while. It`s a nightmare .
  4. sunbear

    sunbear Registered User

    Jul 30, 2015
    Hi. It sounds like we in similar situation. My mum has dementia with lewy bodies. She is in hospital at the moment being assessed as she took a sudden drop and we thought she had had another stroke. She Has mobility disabilities too. Dad is full time carer and she is Hallucinating and accusing him of buying another house and having an affair. He doesn't think he can cope anymore and we may have to look for residential care.
    We are waiting to see what her 'steady state' is before deciding next steps.
    It s heart breaking, and we don't know how to react to her hallucinations and imaginations.
    I think you may need to stick with it and hope your mum settles down.
    We will likely have to Do the same very soon.x
  5. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    I noticed this alot with new people that arrived at the care home my dad was in. It seemed more apparent in the women.
    My view was that at home they probably did much more moving around from room to room, rummaging, maybe trying to clean etc. once in the care home they had "no jobs" to do, it was all done for them. Maybe this is partly the reason they seem to decline so quickly initially.
  6. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Thank you for everyone's comments. It certainly is heart breaking when you can't provide the care yourself and you have to put your trust in others.

    I know deep down there is only one solution and it is 24hr care for mum. Mum gets the care she needs and dad can begin to live a more normal existence, however hard this may be to begin with. he doesn't have any hobbies or interests so I can perhaps have a think about that. There have been together nearly 50 years.

    My mum also accuses dad of having affairs with the carer's. It causes constant rows. She still does this even though she is in the home, so I know this aspect would not change.

    It is just a horrible situation and unfortunately the decision was left to me ultimately. So I have the guilt monster on my shoulder and I don't think it will be going anywhere for sometime. But I do know I am doing the best I can for my parents in the circumstances and that is all we can do isn't it.
  7. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Dear Sunbear,

    So sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation. The main reason mum had to go into care is because dad could not cope anymore, and had not coped for a long time. And the accusations were making mum angry, which made dad angry, which was turning nasty. Dad was unable to find any coping strategies to deal with the constant accusations, partly because he also has dementia, but partly because he could not understand or accept the disease. I hope your mum is able to settle a bit better once she goes home. I wish I had some useful advice for you. Let me know how things go. X


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