It's so lovely to find others in a similar situation and willing to be supportive in this way.
My brothers and I are currently concerned that it won't be viable for mum to stay at home if she continues to make unfounded accusations about her brilliant carers and her health continues to deteriorate. We are planning on visiting a care home with a view to moving mum in when the time is right....However, Mum's worst nightmare is the idea of a care home. If we try to discuss it in advance with Mum she will be livid, never agree and quite likely go into 'total meltdown' making everything so much more stressful for everyone. So we don't plan to tell Mum in advance. We will imply we are going on a jolly family outing. As the care home is near one of my brothers and over an hour and a half's drive from my mum's house, we think we will need to do the move in one go, without any option for my Mum to return home. To make the move work is going to be a huge challenge for all of us.....and like you we are nervous!
A few helpful tips I've already come across are as follows.....
1. Plan the move well in advance.
2. Imagine all the awkward questions you may be asked about 'what is going on'.....and plan answers that are likely to be accepted.
3. Have a family member or close friend already at the home when you arrive to help create a familiar and positive welcoming party.
4. Discuss your concerns with the care home manager well in advance so that together you can agree a viable move plan.
5. It's really important to aim to make the transition as positive as possible, so be available round the clock for the first 72 hours to support staff solve any issues arising.
6. If all goes well from the 4th day onwards you can try reducing visits to once a day.
7. After 1 week - a few weeks try reducing visits to every 3rd day, then permanently to once a week.
8. Be prepared for set-backs.
9. Know that you are doing the right thing in taking control of this move on behalf of your loved one.
10. Read 'Contented Dementia', a useful book by Oliver James
Lots of work....but hopefully worth it in the long run!
I hope this helps.