Move or not move

[bell6]

Hi All

I am in a very sad situation

Dad was diagnosed was vascular dementia three months back and it is rapidly progressing. He is being treated and is sedated with drugs to calm him down.
I am married and live near my parents. My parents live next door to my elder sister.
My mother takes care of my dad.
my sister being the busy body she is, rarely does things for my dad. she only inquires about him from my mother. where as I try and stay over during weekends and let my mum go out to take a break from caring for my dad.

I had a dreadful conversation with my brother in law the other day, when i mentioned that we should be more involved with my dad, he said that my parents only loved me which is not true. They loved both of us.

Now my real problem is this, My husband is away and living in europe and the plan was to join him soon with my daughter. these plans were made last year and then my dad fell ill.
I am in two worlds right now , i need to join my husband soon coz we have been separated for too long now, and he needs us ( he is currently working there) even though the plan was to move there for us, i am hesitant since dad is ill and i know my sister n BIL wont care,
my mother wants me to go ahead but I am in two minds now....
what shall I do

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi
I think if you have read some of these threads you will find that some siblings get very involved with the care of their parents and it is very easy to become resentful when they feel that the other siblings do not play their part. When for example if my husband and I dared to have a holiday all hell broke lose and we were accused of having a life and they wanted us to stay and look after my parents so that they would not have to. Are you thinking that if you decide to go and join your husband your sister and BIL should carry on where you left off? Are you wanting to be given help in deciding to do what you actually want to do with the reassurance that your parents are being looked after? You have experienced the burden of caring for your parents and that burden will progress and your sister and BIL fear that responsibility. Only you can decide what you want to do, no one else and your mum wants you to go like any parent, they do not want to be a burden to their children. If your mum cannot cope there is help available and maybe you can be of help to get your mum to have outside help involved. Forget your sister and BIL and let them decide themselves if they can live with their decision when so near your mum. Your mum could ask her to help and your BIL is just using the "she loves you more" as a cop out but you still do not have the right to decide others fate because it may affect yours. Your have the right to do what YOU want which does not mean you are selfish to want to be with your husband. Be prepared to have comments that you have swanned off to be where you want to be and they have to be with your parents. It easily becomes a tit for tat on who does more than the other.

 

[bell6]

hi Jaycee23
thank you for your response... It really means a lot to me.
I have this guilty feeling that I am leaving them when they need me the most. And also I have done and doing almost everything I can for them right now apart from my sister who just inquires about them.
I will get some help from social services to check on them while i am away, and also stay with my dad who is mostly in bed so that my mum can go out and once in a while.
Thank you ever so much for responding. your reply really made my day

 

[at wits end]

Just reading this I wanted to add my bit.

In a worst case scenario if you didn't join your husband do you think your marriage would last? No parent would want to be the cause of a marriage breaking up because they needed help that others could give.

Talk to your Mum about it. She'll probably say go. I would.

 

[marsaday]

What a dilemma! I posted on a thread a while back where someone wanted to move abroad even though their parent had dementia and needed them. I too have plans to move away and I hope that when the time comes I have the guts to see it through if it is what my husband and children want.

In your situation your husband is already away-waiting on you. I think you should join your husband as planned. Let your sister do as much or little as she wants and set in motion a plan for more care. You can always come back every month or two-is that an option? You have to be firm that you have pulled your weight up to now and your marriage is important too. You'll hopefully have your husband long after your Mum and Dad are gone.

 

[Jaycee23]

Many of us go through that guilt feeling and it never goes away. We have to just get on with it and this dementia thing just festers in our lives. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide but do hope that the decision you make is to be with your husband. I have to think what my mum would want if she was not suffering this dementia and she would wish me well and to go. I am sure your mum is the same but she may not be able to say or do this due to the illness. Good luck.

hi Jaycee23
thank you for your response... It really means a lot to me.
I have this guilty feeling that I am leaving them when they need me the most. And also I have done and doing almost everything I can for them right now apart from my sister who just inquires about them.
I will get some help from social services to check on them while i am away, and also stay with my dad who is mostly in bed so that my mum can go out and once in a while.
Thank you ever so much for responding. your reply really made my day

 

[bell6]

Thank you

All of you who replied.... thank you ever so much.... I am right now finding ways of helping my mum look after dad,,,
thank you all... and may god bless you all.