hi after much effort over the last 6 weeks to keep MIL at home with 24-7 carers we have made the hard decision she needs to go into a home. found one with spaces and preparing for the assessment. would appriciate advice on how to get someone who doesnt want to go into a home moved into a home? ideally something that involves eveyone smilling and talking to each other at the end but that would probably be too much to ask ... so far family conference has come up with: subdifuge and deceit, would the doctor give her something to calm her down? and she just needs telling. none of which are ideal. any ideas however small would be much appriciated.
move into a home...
- Thread starter Lyd
- Start date
Hello @Lyd. Many people use the "we've arranged for you to have a little holiday" or " we've found you somewhere nice to stay while your house/flat is being repaired/decorated". I was fortunate to move mum from hospital "just while she was recovering". I'm still lying to her 3 years later. It's an incredibly hard decision to make. I'm sure other members of the forum will be along with other suggestions. Many people find that, after a settling in period, their relative is actually a lot happier than they were at home. Has the manager of the home any suggestions?
Most people find that they have to use subterfuge - if they are not able to understand the reality of their situation, then you have to tell them something that they will understand and accept. Its called "therapeutic untruths" or "love lies". A nice holiday with staff to wait on them hand and foot is a common ploy, but Im sure others will come along with other suggestions.
Dont tell her in advance so she hasnt got time to decide that she doesnt want to go and dont pack her case in front of her. You can just take the basics and bring the rest of it along later if necessary. Chivvy her along in the car with talk of tea and cake when you get ther (Im sure the care home can provide this) and while she is being shown round unpack and sort out her room so that she doesnt see you doing it - dont forget to remove the case! Anything revolving around packing and unpacking can trigger off the "want to go home" loop, so its best not to do it in front of her. Present everything as a done deal, staple on a bright smile and give the performance of a lifetime - admire everything (the view, the decor, the curtains), enthuse about how nice the staff are and watch your body language. You dont want to show her that you are upset because then she will worry about staying. If you feel the mask slipping say you need the loo. Dont say long goodbyes, in fact, I didnt say good bye at all, I waited until a meal came along and then just slipped away while she was distracted.
If it doesnt work out like this and it all goes to pot, remember that the staff will have seen it all before. They are used to coxing reluctant residents out of cars, finding ways of distracting them and generally helping you. If you find you have to make a run for it while the staff distract her, well, its not ideal, but its not the end of the world either.
Good luck
xxx
Dont tell her in advance so she hasnt got time to decide that she doesnt want to go and dont pack her case in front of her. You can just take the basics and bring the rest of it along later if necessary. Chivvy her along in the car with talk of tea and cake when you get ther (Im sure the care home can provide this) and while she is being shown round unpack and sort out her room so that she doesnt see you doing it - dont forget to remove the case! Anything revolving around packing and unpacking can trigger off the "want to go home" loop, so its best not to do it in front of her. Present everything as a done deal, staple on a bright smile and give the performance of a lifetime - admire everything (the view, the decor, the curtains), enthuse about how nice the staff are and watch your body language. You dont want to show her that you are upset because then she will worry about staying. If you feel the mask slipping say you need the loo. Dont say long goodbyes, in fact, I didnt say good bye at all, I waited until a meal came along and then just slipped away while she was distracted.
If it doesnt work out like this and it all goes to pot, remember that the staff will have seen it all before. They are used to coxing reluctant residents out of cars, finding ways of distracting them and generally helping you. If you find you have to make a run for it while the staff distract her, well, its not ideal, but its not the end of the world either.
Good luck
xxx
I would turn off the central heating and let the house get nice and cold.
I would pay one of my son in laws friends to come round, and diagnose a boiler with big problems. There are huge problems with obtaining the parts!
I would arrange for mum to go for short term care while repairs were being done!
Sadly they would send the wrong part from China.
It would require re- ordering.
Then the plumber would get very unwell, the illness would last several weeks!
I would pay one of my son in laws friends to come round, and diagnose a boiler with big problems. There are huge problems with obtaining the parts!
I would arrange for mum to go for short term care while repairs were being done!
Sadly they would send the wrong part from China.
It would require re- ordering.
Then the plumber would get very unwell, the illness would last several weeks!
Hi @Lyd. I'm an object lesson in how not to do it, so I hope my experience is useful. Mum was in her own home with no carers coming in. She thought she could manage but in fact things were getting dodgier by the day. She agreed that she would move nearer my brother (neither of us lived near her) into a sheltered flat. She'd seen a flat she liked and had agreed to the move. Before it became available two things happened. One it became obvious that even extra care sheltered accommodation wasn't going to be enough and two my brother became seriously ill. Sister in law and I cooked up a plan between us where she moved to a care home near me and we told her it was temporary because we'd got a buyer for her flat and her new place wasn't ready.
Mum was sort of OK with that. When the assessment happened I told her the assessors were two friends of mine who knew where my mum lived and had called me on the off-chance I was visiting when they happened to find themselves in the area. That went fine, and the home agreed to take her. Mum was charming to them and I don't think they knew what they had let themselves in for!
On the day I didn't say a lot, though I had said mum was moving nearer me temporarily. Mum got it in her head we were off on holiday (something we were supposed to be doing a month later) and I didn't disabuse her as it kept her happy in the taxi. Of course when we got there and she realised what the place was all hell let lose. The home were great, they took off their badges and cracked open the champagne and sort of got her to settle while I disappeared. For months afterwards she tried to escape, until her dementia moved on. Now she is more or less content, though she still wants to go home. Though it is her mum's home rather than her own she wants to go to.
Lessons learned. If possible have more than one of you on the day. I'd taken a suitcase there a couple of days before and her room was ready. If there had been two of us I think we could have kept things a lot calmer, as it was I was so stressed out I was handling it badly. With two of us we could have kept the chat up. Look we're visiting my friends you met a couple of weeks ago for longer. Secondly your MiL might not be happy, but I guess she isn't happy at home either and at least you know she will be safer in her new home, so try not to feel too much guilt. Thirdly it does get better though it might take a while
Mum was sort of OK with that. When the assessment happened I told her the assessors were two friends of mine who knew where my mum lived and had called me on the off-chance I was visiting when they happened to find themselves in the area. That went fine, and the home agreed to take her. Mum was charming to them and I don't think they knew what they had let themselves in for!
On the day I didn't say a lot, though I had said mum was moving nearer me temporarily. Mum got it in her head we were off on holiday (something we were supposed to be doing a month later) and I didn't disabuse her as it kept her happy in the taxi. Of course when we got there and she realised what the place was all hell let lose. The home were great, they took off their badges and cracked open the champagne and sort of got her to settle while I disappeared. For months afterwards she tried to escape, until her dementia moved on. Now she is more or less content, though she still wants to go home. Though it is her mum's home rather than her own she wants to go to.
Lessons learned. If possible have more than one of you on the day. I'd taken a suitcase there a couple of days before and her room was ready. If there had been two of us I think we could have kept things a lot calmer, as it was I was so stressed out I was handling it badly. With two of us we could have kept the chat up. Look we're visiting my friends you met a couple of weeks ago for longer. Secondly your MiL might not be happy, but I guess she isn't happy at home either and at least you know she will be safer in her new home, so try not to feel too much guilt. Thirdly it does get better though it might take a while
I agree with all the above. From my perspective, be aware the PWD may not react , especially in the long term, in the way you expect. For example, I found taking my Mum to a CH very hard, and was very emotional for days. When I went to visit her after a few days, she seemed perfectly happy.
I would say, do not say goodbye, wait for lunch and just go when they are occupied, letting the staff know what you are doing. They are well used to this. After leaving, give it at least a few days before visiting. Phone for updates, but let them settle in.
Mummy actually went for "daycare" - she attended the home during the day for a period before moving in entirely, to get her used to the staff. You have to pay for this, but I do think it made the process easier. You do need a bit of time for this though, so it depends on what stage you are at.
I would agree with the above, try to maintain a positive "face" whilst with the PWD, but accept that you may well grieve afterwards. It is a change for everyone, but one we as a family are very glad we made.
I would say, do not say goodbye, wait for lunch and just go when they are occupied, letting the staff know what you are doing. They are well used to this. After leaving, give it at least a few days before visiting. Phone for updates, but let them settle in.
Mummy actually went for "daycare" - she attended the home during the day for a period before moving in entirely, to get her used to the staff. You have to pay for this, but I do think it made the process easier. You do need a bit of time for this though, so it depends on what stage you are at.
I would agree with the above, try to maintain a positive "face" whilst with the PWD, but accept that you may well grieve afterwards. It is a change for everyone, but one we as a family are very glad we made.
One factor might be what the building looks like from the outside. When I first tried to get my wife into the day centre she noticed a big sign proclaiming 'dementia' and was hostile in seconds. Her care home looks like a big house with no signs to suggest otherwise. I did not tell my wife where we were going. She asked a few times but I gave no real answer. When we arrived I said that I needed to call in to see someone. I asked her if she wanted to come with me or wait in the car. We went in and the staff made tea for us. I drifted out as the staff kept her busy, gave her suitcase to one of the staff then headed on home. She had lost a lot of her ability to see through things so it was easier than I thought. It rather depends on the individual. Staff have seen it all before and will be adept at turning potential awkward moments into ordinariness. Subterfuge does not come easy but may be the best strategy initially.
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Some good suggestions, although bear in mind that if your MIL goes into a home whilst they are on lockdown then it will be a case of having to leave her at the door rather than you going in with her, unpacking her things etc. I suggest having a chat with the manager about how they are managing this situation at the moment. Also, trying to 'sell' the home as a hotel etc may not be as plausible when the staff will be wearing masks and other PPE. There will be pros & cons to you not being allowed into the home at the moment to settle her in or visit but I know that my Mum's home have recently started to take in new residents so I'm sure that the staff will have a few techniques in place to deal with the situation. I don't know if someone from the home will be able to visit your mum to assess her at the moment but if so that may help as when mum had an assessment visit she took to the lady straight away and I was able to say that I had arranged for her to stay with the nice lady for a while whilst I was working away (which I actually was). Good luck and I hope everything goes OK and your mum soon settles in to her new home.
they are not coming out to assess which is difficult (for me) because there is so much they dont know. what they are doing is admissions during meal times so other residents arnt there. masks and ppe i hadnt considered so good to know.
thank you. subterfuge is hard but best way i think. not saying goodbye also a good plan.
thank you love the idea of taking her things at a different time and having it there also having more than one person there. i do feel guilty particularly because of the times we are in and risk and at the same time i have done all i can and her complete inability to social distance has been (one of) the final straw(s).
thank you in my head i am imagining prising her fingers off the door frames as she realises what is happening. i think we just need a plan and to stick to it!
