1. maude

    maude Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    17
    Hi all

    Am feeling very low after what i can only describe as a miserable mothers day. Had mum and dad and mother in law for lunch. Mum has been very tetchy lately. Whilst she remains fairly stable on the medication , she has started to display signs of anxiety and this manifests itself in her nasty comments. Unfortunately, it is me that becomes the target!! Its like you cant hold a conversation without her butting in and trying to control it. She has always suffered from low self esteem but all her bad traits seems to have magnified with the progression of her dementia. At the end of yesterday I felt like i just wanted to withdraw from her. I do lots for her and that is probably why dad and I take most of the insults. . I know I could never stop helping them out and dad is always so appreciative bless him. so I would be punishing him as well. I realise that you have to let these things just go but sometimes I feels pretty awful eh?My brother is her bule eyed boy and can do no wrong and my sister does her own thing and sees them when she feels like it. Sometimes I wonder if it is the illness or just mum getting back to what she was like before. It makes it very hard to like her, dont get me wrong i love her to bits, but she is not pleasant to be around. Then she rings me when she gets home and says what a lovely day she had etc. I just wanted to scream at her and say "mine was awful". But i am guessing she just doesn't remember the bad bits.
    Thanks for listening to me going on. Just needed to get that off my chest. Sure there are lots of you going through much worse but its always good to get feed back from those who know what its like.
    Take care and you are all in my thoughs
    Love Maureen
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    Dear Maureen,

    I don`t know why it is but those who care the most seem to get the lion`s share of grief.

    It`s really hard to accept insults and bad behaviour when you do so much to help. It`s not that you want gratitude, but a little bit of recognition wouldn`t go amiss.

    And it hurts, however much you know it`s the illness.

    But as well as helping your mother you are helping your father and he knows you for who you are. Take comfort from that. Also know your conscience is clear and you are doing the right thing.

    I`m sorry you had such a rotten mother`s day, but your mother probably has no idea how much she upsets you.

    Take care xx
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Maureen,

    Sorry you had bad day yesterday......maybe you do need to take a step back for a few days. Yesterday must have been difficult for you. I imagine it might have been quite difficult having MIL there too.....cos makes your own mums illness more apparent.

    Try and find some time for you today, and give yourself a treat!!

    Love Helen
     
  4. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Hello, Maureen,

    Sorry to hear about your Mum's behaviour yesterday.

    You know...we had a similar situation. We booked a lovely local restaurant and my older sister went to the trouble of picking her up (after a two hour drive) and parking near the restaurant (nightmare where I live). Brother...absent....My other sister and I met her outside the restaurant and made sure that she was OK.

    Well, to cut a long story short, she started out well but after an hour she started to get anxious and to complain about things: "grilled radichio? what's this? I don't like it; where's my pudding? Tsk...do you think they've forgotten us; They must have forgotten us...shall we have coffee at home? do you think they've forgotten us"

    She also thought the service was slow - can you tell from the comments above?! (I think she wants dessert to arrive 30 seconds after the main course and for us to be in and out of there in an hour). Also, I could see that her eyes were glazing over and that was ceasing to be "engaged" with us.

    Did you have these sorts of issues with your Mum yesterday? In addition to the grousing about complaining, I mean.

    I don't think your Mum realised that she had upset you, I really don't. Bizarre, isn't it? You'd think that if you or I had been fractious, complaining and critical in a social situation we'd be on the phone saying sorry - but that's the dementia for you.
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #5 Margarita, Mar 3, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2008
    yeah it sure is , my mother in that kind of mood your mother in, but now its no more targeted at me but at day center staff .

    but she been at home for 3 days with out going out , so she really had the hump, as my kids have been around a lot all together this weekend, they use to Joke around with her to make her smile now she just get rude with them , wants to be left alone .

    My mother always got the hump when they lots of people around her, but when alone with me she fine, soon as someone come along to talk to me , she of on one . like your mother butting into a conversation that she can't even follow it , use to really get on my nerves in the early days . now she doing it less less.

    So now she like ( she asking me ) " what did he say ? " what did she say ? " I tell her but she still not taking it in , but she still wants to feel included in the conversation
     
  6. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi Maureen

    I'm sorry to hear about your day yesterday.

    Dad is very similar with me, he can verbally launch into me sometimes while being nice as pie to everybody else. It can get a bit hard to take when you've been up since 5.45, at work all day, had an hours stressful drive home on the motorway, driven straight past home to go to his then have an agressive verbal attack the second I walk in the door to make him a meal and walk his dog.

    It's very hard to tell yourself that it's the disease but it is and sadly it's the ones closest that get the aggression. I started to grit my teeth and get out of there asap, Dad always realised that something was wrong, would be very worried about my sharp exit and be on the phone to find out why before I'd even got back home. It would all start again the next day.

    I think he picked up on my stress levels and reacted, and of course the more he reacted the more stressed I got. Now he's in residential care our relationship has changed vastly and we're much much easier with each other.

    AJay xxx
     
  7. maude

    maude Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    17
    Bless you all. I'm reading your kind and reassuring messages and taking great comfort from them.
    Am going to chill out for a few days , take on board all the advice and i am sure i will start afresh.
    You are all truly amazing and i am so grateful you took time to share your experiences with me and it has reminded me that i am not in this alone ,we are all in this together.

    Will keep you posted.
    Always in my thoughts
    love Maureen :)xx
     
  8. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    My son and girlfriend, my elderly mother, Ken and self went to a lovely place for mother's day lunch. It was so very lovely although looking after both Ken and mum kept me very busy and I hardly ate any lunch at all. As the meal progressed Ken got more and more agitated and of course I bore the brunt of it. At the time this is happening I feel resentful and it is unfair on me.

    Thinking it over last night when I was by myself and reflecting on the day, it suddenly dawned on me that Christmas and New Year were also difficult for him. He cannot cope with 'social' situations even when there are only a few close family members present. Looking after Ken is a continuous learning curve! He can cope if we are on our own together but only in a very short burst of time if there are others present.

    So now I know that even close family gatherings are going to be difficult, I can now deal with them better and perhaps keep them to just an hour in length.

    xxTinaT
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    I find this too Tina, although at this stage perhaps not to the extent that you do with Ken.

    Dhiren is only comfortable in a one to one conversation. Even when our son comes round, if Paul and I are talking, Dhiren opts out. If I leave the room, he will talk to Paul, if I return to the room, he goes quiet.
     
  10. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    In many ways I am glad I have no siblings! Everything is down to me, I know it is down to me, I have no-one else to rely on, but no-one else to criticise.

    Mothers' day was okay, mum came to me for a glass of sherry, but wanted to get back to the care home, so the lovely tea I had prepared with her favourite salmon sandwiches and a traditional home-made trife (my one forte!) were untouched, but she enjoyed the change of scene nevertheless. Unfortunately she returned to her "friend" Netta who would be very cross that she had been abandoned by mum, and not invited. I cannot cope with someone else's demented relative, it is a shame cos mum has struck up this relationship with her, and I know her relatives are all in Australia, so she has no visitors. Has anyone else "taken on" another person from their relative's care home? Is it allowed? Is it dangerous? I suspect so.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia


    Margaret, I think you'll find most care home won't allow you to take out another person (not your own relative). And I think it could be "opening a can of worms" for yourself if you did so.

    Could you consider taking a "treat" (such as your delicious Mother's Day tea) to the home and inviting your Mum's "friend" to join you and your Mum there?? (Wish I was with you! I LOVE trifle!! :))
     
  12. sandie

    sandie Registered User

    Feb 26, 2007
    7
    north devon
    I have just read these posts and thought I would add my own Mothers day experience. I usually have mum every other sunday, I also see her at least three other days in the week as I share her care with my sister. mothers day fell on my turn this year . I usually pick her up aboult two o clock we have tea and cake and later, we enjoy a family dinner. Usally works well but lately she has not wanted to come to my house saying that it was too cold or she didnt feel well etc. Well mothers day dawns so decide to do lunch instead as only myself and 17 year old daughter were at home, she was going to work in the evening also my husband was due back from a ten day trip to africa and I wanted to spend some time with him. We had a pleasent lunch, enjoyed a sherry and a glass of wine toasted ourselves for mothers day, generally relaxed all round. Husband arrives back from his trip, we decide to walk the dogs and drop mum off about four. Even before we returned home mum has phoned my daughter saying did I remember what day it was, had i forgotten her how could i for mothers day and that she had been on her own all day! I was so deflated, so demoralised I just burst into tears. My poor husband doesnt know what the hell is goung on. Sorry to ramble on but need to get it off my chest as it has been bothering me ever since.
     
  13. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Sandie

    It sounds to me as if your mum had a (temporary?) problem appreciating the passage of time. The relatively short time you were away from her suddenly presented itself as being hours and hours. My mum has this problem unless she constantly checks her watch (which she does, every five minutes or more, and I now realise was doing it long before I twigged she might have AD).

    It's sometimes the same with visiting. "Oh, I'm glad you've come, I was getting worried, you haven't been for about 3 weeks". Now, granted, I was going through a busy period at work, but I have NEVER left a visit for more than 7 days. But prior to that it was 2-3 times a week for a while, and she had clearly got used to that. She probably thought those visits were a week apart, so the genuine week became 3 weeks in her mind.

    I know it is distressing when you have done all that a good daughter should do - and very successfully - and the edge gets knocked off it. Just put it down to this strange disease if you can.

    Love

    Margaret
     

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