Mother's behaviour worse when husband is out

[Pennie]

Does anyone else find that when their husband/wife is out the aged parent is most aggressive and horrible?

I am starting to notice this pattern with my mother calling me names, almost implying I am the devil's daughter, and this when I am bringing her breakfast, helping to feed her, dressing her etc. in other words doing it all for her in a cheery helpful way as best I can.

My husband returns and I report back about how things have been, sadly his first question is "what did you do or say to provoke it?"

So is it REALLY all my fault after all?

 

[Big Effort]

Hiya Pennie,

In my view the answer is this:
The dementia patient knows they need care and company. They don't generally bite the hand that feeds them (except for anosognosia, but I know you have read my post on that and know why).
It is all about threat. When the key carer (husband in your case) is away, the person knows something is missing, wrong. The reptilian brain starts to ring all sorts of alarm bells, there is agitation, in Mum's case this is when she rolled out lots of confabulation and nearly drove my hubby mad. She was missing me. Something amiss.

And in their limited capacity, they can lash out at those who fill the gaps. It isn't personal, Pennie. It is a struggling brain listening to primitive reptilian brain yelling about danger, and reacting to possible threats.

Breathe deep, and close your ears to it. My husband is wise. He always tells me to either speak not at all, or if I speak to keep it to a minimum. Be there. Potter about. Be upbeat and kind. And let all the rest just wash over your consciousness.

It isn't about winning the Dementia Battle, it is about keeping them as well as we can without losing our own health. So self-preservation is important. Put on music you would like to hear, do the cleaning jobs you think should be done, serve tea, coffee, nibbles. With a smile and little talk. Talk opens the door to suspicion and offensive talk.

You can manage, I know you can. Let us know how you get on today, a difficult day for the one who misses her key person but can't articulate that. xxx BE

 

[Noorza]

I am sorry but your husband is bang out of order, YOU are caring for HIS mother who has dementia and he is blaming you. You are caring for his mother with dementia, he should be kissing the ground you walk on. He seriously needs to get educated on this horrible disease.

My awful brother asked me what I had done to deserve my mother slapping and kicking me. I had done nothing but care for her, the dementia hit me, dementia doesn't need a reason.

I really think your next task should be in educating your husband on how this disease affects the dementia patient.

 

[1954]

Yes Pennie I find that my MIL is horrible to me but not to Golden Boy (my hubby). She never argues with him, never goes against him, eternally grateful to him, obedient to him to the letter. We use it all to our advantage. We use it big time. Say very little to her. Say the minimum. Try and let it all go over your head. Walk out and deep breathe and then go back in again

Not easy at all I know

 

[Pennie]

Sorry I didn't phrase my question properly.

It is my mother I am caring for and I am the key carer, but it seems to me that because I am the softer, calmer one, when my husband is out and not there to witness it she is worse towards me than other times.

He is ex-army asks a straight question "what is the matter S?" or "Pennie will come when she's finished hanging out the washing/making bed/cooking" etc. and she accepts his firmer voice and there is no argument, no stepping out of line.

Also when the "lunchtime carer" comes in during the week she is more compliant and although does on occasions speak harshly to her, it seems she is worse with me.

I am trying hard to toughen up and not take it personally.

 

[Pennie]

Oh yes, I am trying to keep out of the way, and say the minimum because talking or explaining is probably where I get the biggest problems, oh apart from trips to the loo and getting dressed and then it really is "awful"..."you are hopeless" ..."why are you doing that" in such spiteful tones.

Life is much easier if I get the jobs done and then spend time out of earshot in the garden in this wonderful weather. Well out of mumbling earshot that is, because I can hear if she calls for me, but at least I don't have to hear about how stupid I am so clearly

 

[Noorza]

Sorry Penny misunderstood, husband could show some more empathy though.

My heart goes out to you. I don't live with my Mum, I really think anyone who has their parent live with them when they have dementia should be sainted.

 

[Big Effort]

Pennie,
Sadly what you are describing here is Dementia.
As someone said here, De-mentia means Loss of Mind.
We are looking after people who are loosing their minds.
This is an incredibly painful experience for the carer.
We expect the person who looks pretty Mum-like on the outside to be Mum on the inside.
But this is not the case.
Sometimes I google pics of a dementia brain vs a normal brain. I notice the shrinkage, and I tell myself that there is massive brain damage going on in that cranium.
Nothing is normal or right and I am the fool to expect it.

Go and enjoy your garden. That is right thinking.
I have put the venerable Jane Austen on to entertain Mum. She loves it. She doesn't enjoy being with me.
So, I too will get the Power of Attorney sorted and thereafter do things I enjoy.
In earshot of course.

Tough times, Pennie, for both of us. xx BE

 

[Pennie]

no problem, my fault for the confusing way I wrote, sorry.

 

[Pennie]

Thanks BE for your kind words xx

Hope you have a good day and achieve some of what you had planned, and hey ho, if you don't, then there's always tomorrow, which will be much like today and yesterday and last week and last month....

Edited to say, that isn't really true, each day is different, each with its own challenges - yey for the variety of it all! ;-)))

 

[Big Effort]

Yes, Pennie. Unfortunately you are absolutely right.
Today, tomorrow and yesterday...... it takes a lot of courage to deal with this.
Only to know we are going to lose in the end anyway!
Now, I am off to the sun of the garden to fill in my POA forms in French!

 

[Butter]

Pennie - it is very simple, I'm afraid. Your mother feels safest with you, so she behaves 'worst' with you. When your husband is there she is able to pull herself together.

I had this all my life. And I was the only one able to be with my mother while she died - my father (her husband) and my brother (her son) fled. So maybe she was right.


I suppose it is a back-handed compliment ...... I suppose .....

 

[Pennie]

Well done and good luck!

I am going to walk away from this site until later today (try to anyway) - had enough of dementia for just now and keep Carara in my thoughts....

 

[Pennie]

I suppose it is a back-handed compliment

Thanks Butter, I will try to find some comfort in that - and yes, there is some