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mother

jamie-g

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
23
0
Aberdeen , Scotland
I am in the difficult position that my mother becomes abusive about me being gay putting it politely , this week i have had to spend the last 5 days at mums so my partner who is only been out of hospital 5 weeks after having a stroke is left to fend alone 150 miles away. But i feel its too much to expect my partner to cope with the journey here and back also for my partner to experience the abuse as it would cause him additional distress, hopefully social work will finally step in this week but if they don't what do i do as i dont want to put mum in a home as her wish is to stay in her own home and its not as if she is unaware of her surroundings all the time.

any suggestions would be appreciated ?
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
My first thought is that you have to protect your partner, keep him away from your mum. My second thought is that if your mum was not abusing you and your partner for being gay she would be abusing you for having black, brown, green, orange hair.

People with dementia are often abusive and there's nothing you can do about that sadly apart to grow think skin and huge shoulders. I personally am still working on that.

I think if it were me I'd call in Social Services Adult Safeguarding team to assess your mum's needs and to call in a carers assessment for yourself, both for your partner and your mum as you are having a double whammy here.

Then take it from there.

Very very hard for you, it's hard for all of us. My friends ask if I am "angel daughter or devil daughter" as her mood swings are so violent.

Protect your partner while looking after your mum, which is a hard act to balance but bring in the outside agencies. I'd also talk to her GP.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Sorry I forgot to mention, as for home versus care home. What is best for your mum now? She can't make that decision, if she is a danger to herself or others, then you know you have to act in your mum's best interest. What she said she wanted before was without the knowledge of where she is now.

If your mum could step back, which she can't, and see her need to be in her home by herself would hurt her and her son, would she still have that same view? IMO therein lies the answer.
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,791
0
Hertfordshire
My immediate response is that if your mother is putting such distress on you then you really have to back off. If she has to go into a home it is because she will not recognise your partnership. She should be glad you have someone important in your life .

Your partner deserves your love and attention too.

I feel you have to tell the authorities you have to withdraw.

Jeannetteŷ
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,849
0
54
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Jamie,

Has your mum always had a problem with you being gay, or is this only something that has come about with dementia? I think it's common for someone with dementia to take things out on their closest (which I presume is you) and can often still know precisely which buttons to press.

Whilst you and your partner may be able to tell yourselves this is the dementia talking, it doesn't make it any less hurtful. Your partner has his own health issues and I can see you don't want to put him through any extra stress. I think you should make it clear to SS that you have caring issues elsewhere and your mum needs more support than you can currently give.
 

jamie-g

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
23
0
Aberdeen , Scotland
thanks i had come to terms with mum not accepting my choices in life , as its just a generation thing , my partner has supported me with mum eg moving back to the uk when dad died then as mums health has deteriorated moving back to Scotland, but the last few months mum has been taking more episodes where she is abusive using names i never dreamed she knew .....
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,705
0
Wiltshire
Hiya Jamie,

Even if the SW turns up next week, it can take a while for carers to be set up and kick in. It is obvious that your partner needs you and that should be your priority. If it was me I would ask for some emergency respite to be organised for your mum. Even if it is for 2 weeks it would give a breathing gap for support at home to be considered, but more importantly, it gives you the ability to be at home with your partner knowing your mum is safe.

You say you want your mum to stay at home but respite might also let you see if a care home would be better for her. My mother for example thrived in her care home. She absolutely loved it there and all the loneliness and responsibilities of running her own home disappeared. It was a very freeing experience for her. So, you might find your reservations about care homes might disappear. As your partner needs you there, you could consider her respite being somewhere near you, so you can visit her without the travelling.

I don't know your mum's financial circumstances but if she is likely to be self funding, you don't need to involve a SW to arrange respite. If not, her GP could help get the respite in place if SW is elusive.

BTW don't tell your mum it is a care home or respite, it's just a wee holiday for her that you've arranged. It was funny at my mothers care home. Everyone spoke of it being a hotel ... Never heard them mention care home!

Fiona
 

jamie-g

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
23
0
Aberdeen , Scotland
lol i took her to Tesco on Friday and drove past a care home and she started screaming at me as she thought i was taking her to a home ....... i have suggest a sheltered housing which is attached to a nursing home which has facility's to support her which was near her twin sister and would of been a 40 min drive for me and she flatly refused as its not her home and that was even before the dementia kicked in
 

MeganCat

Registered User
Jan 29, 2013
359
0
South Wales
My mum has had to be taken into hospital - I felt dreadful as, although appropriate, she had always wanted to remain alone at home. I think she actually thinks she is still at home - however she appears to have settled really well - much more than I would have ever thought possible - I think the contact with other people is probably benefitting her. Next step is a care home but I do feel easier about it now (I hope this continues!)
I'm going to move her to S wales from NE Scotland for this
 

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