Mother with suspected dementia

[SUE031067]

My dad died of Leukaemia 2 years ago so mum was more or less on her own during lockdown , she was part of our bubble and we saw her daily until Christmas when my household contracted covid. After that happened mum had a fear of coming into contact with us and would talk to us from the garden path. in the last 3 months she has gone downhill fast and we are waiting for a memory test to confirm the diagnosis.
She is currently so distressed , she is adamant that she does not own her house freehold and that she owes someone hundreds of thousands of pounds for the land that her house stands on , she thinks that when anything happens to her these people will take the money owed , from every single family member to repay her debt. This includes nieces , nephews , in-laws , her brothers , my husbands mum , literally everyone. My dad left her in a comfortable position financially but she says no money is hers and she cannot afford any clothes or to put the tv and heating on.
She is also convinced that she has 1. skin cancer 2. pancreatic cancer 3. Heart problems and that by coming into contact with her we can all catch it . She has now started to hallucinate that there are flies in her house and apparently sleeps with a hat on so the bugs don't crawl in her ears.
I have spoken to the doctor but even though we have lasting power of attorney , the doctor says that she is of sound mind and will not connect with us , he offered her tablets to help with her anxiety but of course she refused . We have tried to explain that her worries are found less but she starts to cry and shout and sob and gets very agitated , But we tried to agree with her and tell her we would look into it and sort it out for her and it makes her worse as she then cries that its all true and there is nothing anyone can do and she is like a frightened rabbit,
We do not know where to turn next as her doctor is not offering us any support and goes direct to mum and she cannot remember anything that he says to her when we ask. She is constantly on the phone to family members sobbing and we feel totally helpless. Has anyone been through anything similar with the house and money worries and can you offer any advice on what we can do to stop her being distressed .

 

[margherita]

Hi @SUE031067 ,
Your mum's behaviour is not uncommon.
If she needs medication to reduce her anxiety and hallucinations, but she doesn't want to take them, the only way out seems to be covert administration.
That's what I do. My husband has his anti psychotic pills crushed in his dessert, which makes his life ( and mine) a bit more bearable.

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @SUE031067, you'll get lots of support and advice and this is a very friendly place and a safe one to let off steam.
You mention a memory test, is your mum due to visit the memory clinic? My mum has vascular dementia and the sort of test the GP did don't show that up as mum's short term memory was OK at the time. Certainly mum's GP thought she was fine till we managed to steer the conversation round to mum's obsession that the neighbours sneaked into her flat took her things and then bought them back. That's when the GP saw there really was a problem. However due to mum's refusing to go anywhere near the memory clinic it wasn't till she had a meltdown in the surgery and they organised a psychiatrist to visit her at home that we got a diagnosis of vascular dementia. Shortly afterwards I organised a move to a care home.
Now that was all pre-covid and, of course, things are more complicated now. I'd send the GP a bullet pointed list of your concerns and see if that makes him become more pro-active. You might also find phoning the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 helpful as it sounds as though your mother could really do with some help sooner rather than later, and they will have some good suggestions.
I'm sure other people will be along shortly with more ideas and advice, but in the meantime have a look around the forums The search bar at the top is really useful for finding threads from people who have faced similar situations

 

[Weasell]

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

The above thread on compassionate communication is very useful !

Did the GP suggest you contact social services?

I would be keeping a diary of events.

If things continue to deteriorate then sometimes people get sectioned. If this happens then do not be afraid. Sectioning can be a gift. Well trained staff and plenty of them are then able to sort out a good medication regime to manage the symptoms.

If you get bored one evening it might be a good idea to look at a quick read of the mental capacity act.

 

[Weasell]

Also next time she is concerned about the house /land you could consider saying.
’ Let me take this paperwork home and I will look into it’. I will return it tomorrow.
It can be very annoying when they destroy important documents.

 

[silkiest]

Hi @SUE031067, both my mum and MIL had recurring anxieties about money, even though both of them should have no money worries. I found this was often set off by the monthly bank statement for current accounts. They focused on the amounts going out, not that more was coming in than out and got very anxious. I cancelled paper statements for them both. I print out the electronic statements if they ask so I can be there to explain it to them, but to be honest MIL has stopped asking after 18 months and mum has only asked once. I have also stopped utility bills and local council bills going to them - all the utilities and local council have accepted the POA finance and send them either electronically or by post to me. This has dramatically reduced trigger points re money and calmed them both down a lot.

 

[SUE031067]

Thank you so much for all for your suggestions , We have taken all paperwork from mums house so that she does not get confused , but there does not seem to be trigger points that set the worry off, this is a daily occurrence on seeing or talking to a family member. She owns 2 properties which makes it worse as she is getting confused between both houses as i think during lockdown she read each set of deeds from front to back while not understanding any of it . She is convinced she has shredded something important (she has not , its all there ) and even though i go and tidy her house , on my next visit there is paperwork everywhere and little notes written down trying to explain why she is right and we are wrong . I have a son with managed psychosis so am familiar with the mental health act , this has created considerable guilt as mum was there to help with her grandson but i dont seem to be able to help her in the same way as no matter what i say it does not put her mind at rest. The memory clinic is monday so i will see what the diagnosis is but speaking with the doctor is a challenge due to the surgery not seeing anyone . In normal circumstances i would of taken her straight to the doctors so he could see for himself.