Hello, newbie here looking for advice and/or strategies. My mother, who I see pretty much every day, thinks that I am not her daughter even though “you look and sound like her”. I have tried explaining over and over again that the person in her mind and me are one and the same but she just can’t grasp it. Clearly my approach isn’t working and I wondered if anyone had any ideas I could try. Thanks
Mother thinks I’m two people
- Thread starter Preciousdaisybear
- Start date
Welcome to DTP @Preciousdaisybear
What you’re describing is quite common with dementia. You may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
What you’re describing is quite common with dementia. You may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
The wisest advice I have read here on TP is " never argue, never explain".
Trying to make a PWD reason is useless.
I let my husband think whatever he wants, unless it brings dangerous consequences.
Trying to make a PWD reason is useless.
I let my husband think whatever he wants, unless it brings dangerous consequences.
Its called Capgras syndrome and its very common in dementia. Whatever you do or say is not going to convince her that you are who you say you are and trying to do will probably just make her angry. It is very sad, but you will probably have to go along with whoever she thinks you are. It is even worse when she is asking for you and cannot understand that you are standing right in front of her.
My mum suffers from this from time to time. Last Christmas she thought my sister in law and her sister were both themselves and the hired help. She usually knows I'm someone important, though I'm not always her daughter. She sometimes talks about me in the third person, which is weird, but I try to answer as me and gloss it over.
As @margherita said never explain or argue, but just change the subject if you can. Tricky I know.
As @margherita said never explain or argue, but just change the subject if you can. Tricky I know.
Mum was like that for the last 2 years of her life. She always recognised me as someone she knew when I visited but could not accept me as her daughter. Unfortunately it's very common. As we had a straight-talking relationship I would try to explain. Sometimes she understood in the moment but it was instantly forgotten. This is what you're up against:
She called me J but insisted there was another J who she hadn't seen for years.
She would introduce me variously as her sister/cousin/mother.
She acquired 2 imaginary sons who lived in the USA but visited her every other day...
She laughed at the idea of me being her daughter - I was far too old.
She would say, 'Yes, I know you're my daughter, but I'm not your mother!'
At that point I gave up. It's really horrible, hurtful and immensely frustrating. But we live in a world of logical explanations and the PWD does not. You can't argue with dementia. (Well, you can but there comes a point where you're just wasting your breath and winding yourself up.)
She called me J but insisted there was another J who she hadn't seen for years.
She would introduce me variously as her sister/cousin/mother.
She acquired 2 imaginary sons who lived in the USA but visited her every other day...
She laughed at the idea of me being her daughter - I was far too old.
She would say, 'Yes, I know you're my daughter, but I'm not your mother!'
At that point I gave up. It's really horrible, hurtful and immensely frustrating. But we live in a world of logical explanations and the PWD does not. You can't argue with dementia. (Well, you can but there comes a point where you're just wasting your breath and winding yourself up.)
I had that with my mum. You will probably find that you develop another side to yourself, another skill if you like. As has been said, there is absolutely no point in arguing; you have to go with the flow. I was referred to variously as her sister, her best friend, her niece or the lady who ran the care home where she went for day care. So I am guessing she knew I was someone 'important' but couldn't place me. I was certainly not her daughter as I was far too old (bearing in mind she thought she was in her thirties). If she asked for me (her daughter) I would often say that she had popped out to the shops and would be back soon, or was upstairs, or on the phone. Then I'd offer a cup of tea or some other distraction on the television or in the garden. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter who she thinks you are, just as long as she feels safe and happy.
