Mother refusing to talk to me

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by carol4444, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    Hi, just wondering if anyone else has found that their mother refuses to talk to them. the longer it goes in, the more it seems to upset me. It's been months now that she has a dislike for me. The whole family harmony / happiness seems to have gone septic. All my usual happy relationships with brother, aunt etc are no longer easy going as they are desperate not to upset me more and so don't mention the obvious. I'm stuck between such a strong desire to know how Mum is and at the same time wanting to run away. I'm trying to train my brain to think of other things but that just doesn't seem to happen. Seems so strange as we have been so close for all of our lives and never had a cross word. Any ideas would be appreciated.. Would it be very wrong to stop visiting?
  2. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    If it's any help, my mother in law was close to her daughter, but she got to a stage where she was really nasty to her and accused her of terrible things.

    I think people suffering with dementia often turn on the people they are closest to.

    Maybe you could stop visiting for a few weeks and then see if it is a phase that passes.
    J x
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    I'm the bad guy to my dad at the moment. I can't do anything right.
    Hopefully it's just a phase of this blo*dy disease.
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I am very sorry to hear that you are in this situation and it must be very difficult for you.

    You asked if it would be very wrong to stop visiting. I don't think it would be wrong at all for you to stop visiting. Only you know what is best for you and what you need. You might try reducing your visits (frequency and/or duration) to see if that's different, or you might try stopping your visits for a trial period as jasmine suggested.

    You could also ask the staff (if she is in a care home or hospital or other facility) for their input. In my situation, both the staff at the hospital and the staff at the care home where my mother went after the hospital were very direct with me and advised me not to visit for some time after my mother went to the care home. They were experienced with the difficult transition my mother was having and I took their advice. It was good to hear it from people who knew more about this than I did and on some level it did feel like "permission" although I am not implying that is the case in your situation. (But if you are seeking permission to not visit, I hereby grant it to you!)
  5. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    Dementia sufferers sometimes seem to get stuck in an unhelpful behavioural groove ... and time's the only thing that moves them on, in our experience. Eventually they forget whatever notion was causing the problem .... One often just has to wait patiently and graciously until they do forget and relationships can go back to normal.

    My Mum imagined that my sister-in-law had whipped my Dad off to do a household job for her and that was why Dad didn't return instantly from hospital (where he'd had a major operation). Mum flatly denied the hospital was 12 - 14 miles away and the round journey by car alone would take nearly an hour. It took several months for Mum to forgive my poor sister-in-law for something she hadn't done!
  6. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    Thanks so much for the input everyone. Funny enough I coped better with the accusations of theft than this cold shoulder treatment. Mum is still at home at the moment and no doubt if I walk away it will hasten her journey towards a care home. It might just be something that I have to live with, not sure which is worse, guilt or sorrow! No easy way for any of us but it definitely helps to offload to talking point friends. Thanks so much.
  7. Rosiegirl

    Rosiegirl Registered User

    Apr 2, 2015
    I came on here tonight because my mom is in one of her "I don't know what I have done to upset you" moods. I am used to this - she gets it into her head that I don't like her and don't want her around. She goes on and on untill I bite and that of course confirms what she thinks. I try so hard not to rise to it but if I don't say anything it's worse and she does not stop or she will go into a huge sulk. Tonight she said that she is fed up with me pushing her around all the time and treating her like something I have dragged in off the street. I finally cracked and said I was going to bed. After I wouldn't engage in an argument she then phoned my brother (we have fallen out and not spoken for a couple of years over mom's care) and was telling him how badly I treat her and how I had been shouting at her all night and that she just doesn't know wbat she has done. My brother will use tis against me and throw it at me to score points even though he knows what the illnes can do and this is my point - what do people do when someone is saying you are pushing them around and shouting at them all the time, my mom is deaf but won't wear her hearing aid so yes I do have to raise my voice and yes sometimes my tone is probably one of frustration but never anger and I have never pushed her or manhandled her. I don't know how to deal with this. Do I tell other people about this is it a safeguarding issue because of course for all anyone knows she could be telling the truth, I could be pushing her about. What should I do?
  8. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    This sounds so similar to my mum. Seems no matter what we do we will be in the wrong. As you say, the picture appears so different from an outsider's view. I don't really have any answers but think I will reduce my visits. All the time thinking to myself that 'I should know better' and I will be cross with myself as I should be able to handle it. Oh dear, it is so much worse for Mum I know.
  9. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    I don't think it is worse for your mum, if this is any comfort. Observing my father's decline into vascular dementia, I have formed the honest opinion it's worse for the prime carers. The disease insulates the sufferer from any self-knowledge whatsoever.
  10. milly01

    milly01 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2014
    I agree, mum had to go into respite due to emergency repairs to her house, whilst there her CPN and a Dr in mental health both assessed her as not having capacity to make a decision on her long term care and was to remain in a residential setting. She refused to agree, SS appointed a young advocate and he challenged the decision, from then on it has been a complete nightmare. SS overturned the assessments and sent her home.

    I have been her primary carer for 10 years and for the last 18 months have had no contact with her as she has accused me and my brother of putting her into a CH so we can sell the house plus all sorts of financial abuse. With the aid of the advocate she revoked our LPA, which we did not contest as how are we to look after her if she will not speak to us. Unfortunately SS have not picked up their responsibility as deputy. Nothing has come out of her bank account other than DDs which I previously set up. I dont even know how she is feeding herself.

    As you say the sufferer is insulated, she has no idea what she has put our family through with all her accusations.

    Keep your chin up as you are not on your own.
  11. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    Thank you for sharing your experiences with this type of behaviour. I have been feeling so alone and a bizarre sense of shame in my mother's treatment of me. Like many of you I have been her primary carer and about a year ago, before an official diagnosis of dementia, the accusations of theft started. It all escalated dramatically with her phoning the police repeatedly saying I was trying to murder her. She was sectioned 7 months ago and her section 3 has just been renewed for another 6 months. During her time in hospital she has been physically violent to me when I have visited and on the occasions she hasn't hit me she has been verbally abusive and aggressive. It is such a 180 degree turnaround in our relationship, as I would say we were unnaturally close before the start of the accusations for my entire life. Last week she threatened to beat the s*** out of me and I left resolving never to return. I just can't take it any more.

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