Mother now in nursing home- I am struggling mentally

[Worthitprincess]

Hi all

it’s been a long time since I have used this forum as I used to post when my mum has very early stages of dementia.
Fast forwarding to now and mum has deteriorated rapidly so much she is now a nursing patient in a dementia nursing home. I had the news two days before my birthday and then had to organise moving her across from her residential home with covid restrictions in place also! Part of her decline has been abusive behaviour, screaming and shouting. It wasn't something I had seen due to lockdown restrictions until this morning when I first saw this behaviour for myself and it really upset me- so much I broke down in front of the nurse who was with her. I am only 33 years old and I just couldn’t hold it together after seeing her act that way. It’s now left me feeling emotionally drained after that visit and tearful, low and sad. I know she is being looked after but this whole process plus restrictions for covid have made things so difficult - I don’t even know any of the new staff in her new home too so it’s always a different person who is with her when I visit. Visits are behind a screen with speakers and poor mum just has no idea how to make sense of it all. Today is the lowest I have felt in such a long time

 

[Shedrech]

oh @Worthitprincess your distress is palpable
I'm so sorry for both your mum and for you
you really don't need to keep it together, best to let it all out ... and it's good that you thought to come back here as members do understand
It's good that you do believe your mum is being well looked after ... I hope that as restrictions are lifted you may have a chance to get to know the staff: I remember how much it meant to me that I had good relations with the staff who looked after my dad

keep posting ... we maybe can't make your situation better but we can offer sympathy and a place to get it off your chest

 

[Peace lily]

Sending you a virtual hug @Worthitprincess . My dad has been in a nursing for 3 weeks and have only been able to see him in a pod. He tried to reach through to hug me. My heartbreaks everytime see him. I to cried Infront of a staff member on Monday. We have to trust that our parents are being well looked after and aren't suffering the emotional pain that we are? Take good care xxx

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Worthitprincess

I'm so sorry, it is extremely distressing to see our loved ones act this way, I have often heard and seen my mum in this state and the first time was utterly shocking, something I will never forget - but I am sure mum has no recollection of any of these times.

Take heart that your mum is now in a home which will be able to provide the care she needs and hopefully she will be calmer very soon. Keep asking about medication reviews, which we have found extremely beneficial along the way.

I would like you to know that, although it has been a very difficult few years, my mum has actually had some happy days at her current care home (I had to move her from the previous one, as they could not cope) and, despite her behaviour which I'm afraid has involved some minor injuries to the carers at times, they love her to bits.

I'm not sure that screen visits will be doing either of you any good. I wonder if you could perhaps send cards and little gifts instead while your mum is settling. She will know you are thinking of her - and you will know you are thinking of her. This might be a lot less distressing all round.

Keep posting for support and advice. This is very difficult stuff but lots of us out here to help you along.

 

[Everest1969]

Hi all

it’s been a long time since I have used this forum as I used to post when my mum has very early stages of dementia.
Fast forwarding to now and mum has deteriorated rapidly so much she is now a nursing patient in a dementia nursing home. I had the news two days before my birthday and then had to organise moving her across from her residential home with covid restrictions in place also! Part of her decline has been abusive behaviour, screaming and shouting. It wasn't something I had seen due to lockdown restrictions until this morning when I first saw this behaviour for myself and it really upset me- so much I broke down in front of the nurse who was with her. I am only 33 years old and I just couldn’t hold it together after seeing her act that way. It’s now left me feeling emotionally drained after that visit and tearful, low and sad. I know she is being looked after but this whole process plus restrictions for covid have made things so difficult - I don’t even know any of the new staff in her new home too so it’s always a different person who is with her when I visit. Visits are behind a screen with speakers and poor mum just has no idea how to make sense of it all. Today is the lowest I have felt in such a long time

So sorry to read this and it's completely understandable how you are feeling. It must also be distressing to be having to deal with this at a relatively young age. I am 52 and am only just learning what life with someone suffering with dementia is like. Covid has certainly made the situation even more difficult to handle. At Christmas I had to put both of my parents into a care home and still haven't been able to visit or see inside. However, as everyone says here, they are where they can be cared for best and I also think it can be easier to care for someone when you don't have the deep emotional attachment. My parents carers are superb and I am gradually getting to know them. Hopefully you will soon find out who your mum's main carers are and be able to develop a rapport with them. I think this connection is important. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, know that you are doing everything you can for you mum. There will be days when you feel this way, and days when you feel better too. Hang in there xxx

 

[Sarasa]

So sorry the visit was distressing @Worthitprincess. My mother can have screaming sessions too, which left me feeling I was an awful daughter for leaving her in her care home. She had them at home too. I would be emotionally wrung out by it all, but mum would have no recollection the next morning. All this is made so much harder by not being able to visit properly, to see her room and get to know the staff and other residents. I'd agree about not visiting for a while but sending in cards and small gifts instead for a couple of weeks.