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Mother just gone into nursing home with vd

Gomo

New member
Apr 8, 2021
4
0
Hi my mam 87 went into nursing home yesterday, she has mid/ late stage vascular dementia, she is also blind and in a wheelchair with very little mobility, we told her she was going to convalese, my dad has been caring for her but it has started to affect his health too, when I rang her today she literally screamed at me down the phone as to why we left her there yesterday and said she wanted to come home that she would do whatever it takes, ie let carers in, which she has refused before, mam has been very bad the past few weeks memory wise and has been having a lot of hallucinations which don't frighten her, she was venomous today and threw the phone away while I was trying to talk to her, will she ever settle down? I can't understand how she was so lucid today after being extremely bad over the past few weeks , at her last appointment with geriatrician they recommended nursing home care.
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
174
0
HI @Gomo - welcome to this forum. You will find lots of posts from people who have been through similar nightmares.

It's early days for your mum and a whole new experience, she is shouting at you in frustration because she cannot control what is happening to her.

My OH went into care a week ago and was swearing at staff and getting stroppy, at first. He seems to have calmed down a bit but still wants to 'come home' which is heartbreaking.

It sounds like your dad needs this to happen. She may well settle down- let the staff get to know her- you have handed her care over to the professionals and she wont be the first difficult case that they have had. They will have ways to deal with her, so step back and let them try.
 

Gomo

New member
Apr 8, 2021
4
0
HI @Gomo - welcome to this forum. You will find lots of posts from people who have been through similar nightmares.

It's early days for your mum and a whole new experience, she is shouting at you in frustration because she cannot control what is happening to her.

My OH went into care a week ago and was swearing at staff and getting stroppy, at first. He seems to have calmed down a bit but still wants to 'come home' which is heartbreaking.

It sounds like your dad needs this to happen. She may well settle down- let the staff get to know her- you have handed her care over to the professionals and she wont be the first difficult case that they have had. They will have ways to deal with her, so step back and let them try.
Thankyou so much for your reply, it's so hard to cope with it all 😪 as they say this illness is also known as the long goodbye .
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,818
0
Hi @Gomo and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. My mother, who also has Vascular Dementia, was extremely unhappy when I moved her to a care home. She too refused to have any help at home, I didn't live close by, and she was putting herself at risk with her behaviour so I had no choice. It's taken nearly two years, but she does seem pretty well settled now.
Although it may sound counter-intuitive it might be a good idea to not speak to her for a week or so, so she can settle into the home and get to know the carers. You could still phone up to check how she is.
I'm sure other's will be along with their experiences and advice shortly, but in the meantime I hope you and your dad are managing OK and not feeling too guilty.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,395
0
Hello @Gomo
It's very difficult to deal with a loved one being so distressed but sadly not uncommon when they first move into care homes. Your mum will be feeling very disorientated just now but the staff will be used to this and should be able to help her settle in. If she does not settle after a few weeks, speak to the care home manager about a medication review, which may help. I agree with @Sarasa and wouldn't call her again for a little while but just ring the staff to see how things are. I understand that your mum is unable to see but could you send some little gift (favourite chocolate?) to her to let her know you are thinking of her. Perhaps the staff could read out a card from you too. Keep posting to let us know how things are. There are lots of us who truly understand and will help you along.
 

Colin12

New member
May 18, 2020
2
0
Hi, we have also recently persuaded my mum to go into a care home. She has been there 3 montgs now. She went under the pretense that it was a trial however we knew she wouldn't be coming home again. I have never felt so wretched in my whole life. I used to see her everyday but now see her for a 15 minute visit and just call her once a week. Sometimes.es I call and she can't talk because she is doing an activity, and is fairly lucid, she will tell ne she loves me and say goodbye. However the next time I call she can be horrible to me or be really distressed, I am so nervous to call as I never know what to expect, but am coming to accept that that's dementia, (my mum is mid to late stage). I think it can take a good while for them to settle. What comforts me is to know that when she is distressed on our call that when she hangs up their is someone with her to hold her hand comfort her and distract her and above all to know she is safe.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,395
0
Hello @Colin12

It is very stressful when our loved one varies so much but your positive take on it will be very helpful along the way. We so often have to just remind ourselves that's it's the best it can be under the circumstances. It's all very difficult stuff, so keep posting to let us know how things are going or just to tell us how you are feeling. Lots of us out here who understand.
 

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