Mother in law

[bedfordshire4]

My mother in law was diagnosed with Alzheimers two and a half years ago. Over the last year we have seen her deteriorate, despite being on Aricept. My father in law is looking after and providing all her care. The problem we have is that although we only live half an hour away, we have 2 small children and both work so it is difficult to get across to see her more than once a week. Although my father in law is very good at looking after her, he is reluctant to join any local groups, have any care in the house or keep services updated about her condition. We have rung local services and gathered information about what is around in their area, but he is adamant that he does not want her assessed as they may 'take her away'.
My mother in law is becoming aggressive towards her husband and is doubly incontinent now and just seems generally unhappy at home. I strongly feel that her G.P. and the local alzheimers society should be involved and that my mother in law should at least be being regularly monitored.
Her husband is 73, whilst my mother in law is only 64 years old. My husband and I are extremely worried about her, but have been told that unless we feel she is being neglected, there is essentially nothing we can do. Can anyone offer any advice please?? We would desperately like to help more but feel that we are playing a waiting game until my father in law can no longer cope.
Thanks in anticipation x:

 

[AlsoConfused]

No advice, just sympathy. You've described a situation very similar to the one we're dealing with.

 

[Sandy]

Hi bedfordshire4 and AlsoConfused,

Welcome both of you to Talking Point (TP).

There are a number of members on TP who have had the double duty of supporting a person with dementia and also the primary carer. Often these members are supporting their in-laws or parents, some of whom have very strong feelings/worries about involving 'the authorities' and someone being 'taken away'.

It very rarely happens of course. There may be a small number of instances where someone is admitted to an assessment unit in hospital, but only if their behaviour is a risk to themselves or others - and only after every other option has been tried.

The real emphasis these days is to support people with dementia and their carers in the community.

It can be especially difficult in the cases of younger people with dementia, such as beds4's MIL as it can be harder to find the right types of services/support for them. It might be worth looking at the factsheet on Younger People with Dementia:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheet/440

You might also look at the factsheet on Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) which is one of the more common forms of dementia affecting younger people and see if it rings any bells:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/factsheet/404

Some younger people with dementia do find that the anti-dementia drug Ebixa (Memantine) has improved their quality of life.

Does your mum have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) who can support both your mum and dad and can help step in when things like aggressive behaviour are becoming an issue.

I think the thing to explain to your FIL is that refusing to take advantage of support and advice is actually more likely to lead to some breakdown of the home care arrangements - either due to a problem with his health or your MIL's condition becoming more and more unstable.

None of this is easy - but it does feel less lonely with support (including TP).

Take care,

 

[sistermillicent]

Hi Bedfordshire4

My mum has had Alzheimers for at leat 5 years, my dad looks after her, but, like your situation, he is reluctant to accept any help whatsoever, even difficult about it. This year has been a nightmare, seeing mum deteriorate a lot and arranging things for him which are constantly turned down, only to get to crisis point a couple of weeks ago.

I am going to send you a private message which will be quite long and I will do it tomorrow (later today, I suppose) as I am too tired now to be properly coherent.

You are certainly not alone in this,

love

 

[sistermillicent]

I have sent message, forgot to say that you can ring the Alz Soc to talk to them, and also that my mum is aggressive too.

x

 

[piedwarbler]

Just to say hi and welcome to TP both of you and hope you find solace here like I have. You're not alone. X

 

[bedfordshire4]

I just wanted to say I had just popped on this site in the vain hope that someone may have read my message, and it turns out I have had several replies! Thanks you so mucch for taking the time and the trouble to write back to me. It was very heart warming and I really am so grateful, so thank you. I will reply again when I have digested all the comments and when I work out how to access my messages!
Thank you again xx

 

[Onlyme]

You can read your message by scrolling up the page. They are located under your user name
on the top right corner. Click private message.

HTH