Mother in law refusing nursing home

[DM1]

Canary,
When we went to the Carehome for the first two trial days we said our goodbyes and MIL got into a state as she thought we were staying with her, although we made it clear we weren't. She didn't settle at all on those days. On the third day we were told just to ease out of the room and not say goodbye. We did this and when we came to collect her in the evening the manager said she had spent the day searching for us and didn't engage nor eat anything all day. What a stressful day that was for her and she was totally exhausted when we took her home. We do think a Nursing home will be better as she will get a bit more attention and does react well one to one. She is not a people person and doesn't like lots of people around. We will do what the Care home advise tomorrow.

My MIL sounds like your mum she just doesn't let things go. For example she will ask me what time her son is coming to see her and I tell her the time he is coming. She then asks me again and again and again and I reply each time by giving her the time. After a dozen times I try to change the subject and talk about something else but she will keeps going back to the same question. Then she will forget what she was asking me and then says she wants to ask me something but can't remember what it is and this is her new question and so it carries on. It is a catch 22.

I am afraid my MIL is very strong headed and although she has very bad Alzheimer's she seems to see through everything. She believes in her heart that we should be looking after her and as I mentioned before no amount of Alzheimer's is going to let her forget that. It is really hard to distract her, if she thinks something is going on her antenna is up and she is on red alert.

Dreading taking her to Carehome so much but it is the right thing to do and really the only thing to do.

 

[AliceA]

Canary,
When we went to the Carehome for the first two trial days we said our goodbyes and MIL got into a state as she thought we were staying with her, although we made it clear we weren't. She didn't settle at all on those days. On the third day we were told just to ease out of the room and not say goodbye. We did this and when we came to collect her in the evening the manager said she had spent the day searching for us and didn't engage nor eat anything all day. What a stressful day that was for her and she was totally exhausted when we took her home. We do think a Nursing home will be better as she will get a bit more attention and does react well one to one. She is not a people person and doesn't like lots of people around. We will do what the Care home advise tomorrow.

My MIL sounds like your mum she just doesn't let things go. For example she will ask me what time her son is coming to see her and I tell her the time he is coming. She then asks me again and again and again and I reply each time by giving her the time. After a dozen times I try to change the subject and talk about something else but she will keeps going back to the same question. Then she will forget what she was asking me and then says she wants to ask me something but can't remember what it is and this is her new question and so it carries on. It is a catch 22.

I am afraid my MIL is very strong headed and although she has very bad Alzheimer's she seems to see through everything. She believes in her heart that we should be looking after her and as I mentioned before no amount of Alzheimer's is going to let her forget that. It is really hard to distract her, if she thinks something is going on her antenna is up and she is on red alert.

Dreading taking her to Carehome so much but it is the right thing to do and really the only thing to do.

Tough one, for you and for her too. Sometimes our identity must feel at stake when taken from familiar people, places and things. I hope she will be reassured soon so she can settle, in the meantime be kind to yourself, do share when you can.

 

[canary]

Dreading taking her to Carehome so much but it is the right thing to do and really the only thing to do.

Dont keep talking to her about the care/nursing home and once you know the date that she is moving phone up the home and talk to them about the problems. Forewarned is forearmed and they might be able to give you some tips.

 

[Sirena]

That's all very well, but people with dementia will hardly ever say they're willing to move to a care home. Frequently they have zero insight into their own condition or their own needs. Yet many may be able to put on a good temporary front for a social worker who doesn't know them.
What if they are living with relatives who are worn out with trying to cope?
What about their needs?


. ,

Did you think I was agreeing with SS? If so, I'm sorry I didn't make it clear - I'm not. I completely agree what you've said. I was just pointing out that this is the stance SS tend to take. The OP sounded as if she was relying on SS helping to get her MIL into a care home, and it's possible that help may not be forthcoming. The relatives may need to do a lot of the work themselves (as I did).

 

[vldt56]

Hi

I think I’d be inclined to gently say that you are going into hospital and that he can’t be left alone kind of thing. The next step I’d take is to contact Social Services asap, talk everything through with them and make arrangements to have him assessed. It’s a starting point - you’ve an awful lot on and need some kind of support now - I think he could be assessed in the home

 

[vldt56]

He's in, was quite easy. However, today he's disoriented and shouting for someone called 'Bob'....

 

[canary]

Hes bound to be disorientated @vldt56 - it will take a few weeks to get settled
xx

 

[vldt56]

Am pleased you got him sorted & am sure things will settle down quite soon - it must be a big relief

Thanks Ducky601

 

[DM1]

Hi everyone just an update,
Events happened quickly and my mother-in-law has been in a nursing home for just over a week. She isn't settling at all and wanders the corridors day and night looking for my husband; her son. The medication she was taking before she went in to help her calm down and sleep doesn't seem to be working anymore. They have asked us not to go for two weeks as that will help them get her into a routine. We ring to see how she is everyday but we have taken their advice and not gone to see her. We had a call this morning to say she fell at 3.30am this morning while 'looking for her son', it isn't serious but I understand they have to tell us. My husband wanted to go but they advised against it. I think we just have to 'see it out' and there is no possibility of her going back home. One positive thing they said is that she is eating well. What do you think?​

 

[DM1]

Thanks Ducky601 so kind of you to reply so quickly as sitting here getting more anxious about MIL. The trouble is that she isn't like anyone else (I expect that is what everyone says) and I just know she will never give in and that is what is so distressing about it all. We phoned the Dr and he said he isn't allowed to give her any stronger medication without the Alzheimer's Society approval so we have to contact them. Her anxiety levels must be going through the roof, that certainly can't be good for her.

 

[Lindy50]

Hello @DM1
Oh, how I feel for you!! I agree with @Ducky601 that its best to be guided by the home, and that it's a good sign she's eating.
However....I have to be honest and tell you that my mum has never settled in three years, first in a care home and now in nursing care. She is someone who simply cannot accept it. I find it incredibly distressing even now....but I tell myself that at least she is clean, well fed and safe, and has constant care and company, which couldn't be achieved when she was at home. Sometimes we have to take the crumbs of comfort that we can get, and acknowledge that some people do settle better than others.
I hope your MIL does settle, against expectations though this is. The home sound caring and knowledgeable so don't despair yet....
Thinking of you and your husband.
Love
Lindy X

 

[Louise7]

We phoned the Dr and he said he isn't allowed to give her any stronger medication without the Alzheimer's Society approval so we have to contact them.

That seems a bit odd. When my Mum was suffering severe agitation and the GP tried some medication but then wasn't sure what to prescribe next he referred her to the older adult's mental health team. He said that they are specialists so would be best placed to consider other options.

 

[Lindy50]

That seems a bit odd. When my Mum was suffering severe agitation and the GP tried some medication but then wasn't sure what to prescribe next he referred her to the older adult's mental health team. He said that they are specialists so would be best placed to consider other options.

I agree @Louise7 it sounded odd to me too....mum has also been referred by the GP to the older adults mental health team.

 

[marionq]

Thanks Ducky601 so kind of you to reply so quickly as sitting here getting more anxious about MIL. The trouble is that she isn't like anyone else (I expect that is what everyone says) and I just know she will never give in and that is what is so distressing about it all. We phoned the Dr and he said he isn't allowed to give her any stronger medication without the Alzheimer's Society approval so we have to contact them. Her anxiety levels must be going through the roof, that certainly can't be good for her.

The Alzheimer’s Society has nothing to do with it. The psychiatrist who dealt with her at the memory clinic probably first prescribed and they can adjust medication whereas it is difficult for a GP to do that as they are not specialists. Our GP told me there are some meds they cannot prescribe at all. They will want her referred back to the Alzheimer’s psychiatrist not The Alzheimer’s Society. A mishearing?

 

[canary]

Its very early days @DM1 so dont despair yet.
Mum settled really well in her care home, but it still took 6 weeks and the first couple of weeks she was up all night wandering and "packing". In fact she continued to wander around at night until she totally lost mobility, but she stopped being distressed after a couple of months.

 

[DM1]

Canary, that is very helpful and reassuring - she hasn't started packing yet! We just had a phone call from the care home and they said they have settled her down now and my husband can visit her for a short while tomorrow as it might help her (and him).

 

[DM1]

Marionq, I stand corrected, they do want to be referred back to the Alzheimer's psychiatrist, not mishearing - mistyping.

 

[DM1]

Louise7, sorry he told us to contact the Alzheimer’s psychiatrist who first diagnosed her which we have just done and they have told us that he has to refer her back to them. So we have phoned the Doctor and left a message......

 

[DM1]

....but I tell myself that at least she is clean, well fed and safe, and has constant care and company, which couldn't be achieved when she was at home. Sometimes we have to take the crumbs of comfort that we can get, and acknowledge that some people do settle better than others.
Lindy70, thankyou for your warm thoughts, this could have only have come from someone who 'had been there'.
Everyone says my MIL will settle down but I have a gut feeling that she won't. What we are hoping for is for her to 'settle a bit' if you know what I mean. I don't expect her to ever say she likes it there or that she doesn't want to go home; this is just not in her DNA. If she could just get a little bit of peace in the knowledge that there is always someone there for her and she is safe, clean and cared for (as you quoted). I hate the fact she has all those things and yet is searching for her son, night and day. If this eased off it would be enough. We could take her out and enjoy some time with her other than just looking after her as we did before. There are lots of family who want to visit her and it could be enjoyable for her. My MIL is quite a private person and hasn't really mixed a lot in her life other than with her family. She has always hated gatherings of any sort all her life so she isn't going to change Alzheimer's or no Alzheimer's. As this is all so new to us can you let me know - if it isn't too upsetting how your mum behaves when you visit.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It took my mother over 2 months to stop packing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This even though we had taken away all bags etc. She was using the bin liners the housekeeping staff had - how she got them I don't know.

But eventually she stopped and settled. Yet, I don't think it was a complete settlement until the disease had progressed to such an extent that she was no longer aware.