Mother has dementia, is not being cared for properly by partner, and he has financially abused her.

[DebK1969]

My mother was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 whilst she was living on her own. 12 months later she moved in with her "chap". Since then her dementia has worsened, and social services have been involved recently due to the lack of care she gets from her partner. The static caravan they live in (belongs to her partner) is quite frankly a tip, with all sorts of things left lying around everywhere. Neither of them have the means to shower, as the shower is used as storage, and quite frankly it is clearly apparent they are not washing properly or washing clothes. In dealing with the social services, it has also become very apparent to me that he has been taking advantage financially, with approx £20,000 of her money being spent in the last 4 years, of which there has been very little benefit to my mother. Although social services and safe guarding are aware, they are not taking any action as of yet. Both my brother and I feel we need to remove her, but although social services have been made aware of everything we have found and our concerns, they are stating they cannot doing anything themselves straight away, and will observe for 3 months. So I am really upset, frustrated and extremely concerned about my mothers vulnerability and well being. Any advice will be very much appreciated.
D

 

[Sarasa]

Hi DebK1969, welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm not surprised you are concerned. I think it might be a good idea to phone the support line and talk through options. Their number is 0333 150 3456 or email dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk. Certainly three months seems too long to be leaving your mother in that situation. I assume social services are aware that she has a diagnosis of dementia and is therefore a vulnerable adult towards whom they have a duty of care?
Do you or anyone else in the family have Lasting Power of Attorney. if you do you could start taking over your mother's bank account and make sure her money is spent on her well being. If you don't it might be a good idea to start the process to become your mother's deputy https://www.gov.uk/become-deputy.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their input, but in the meantime do have a look round. This is a very friendly and supportive place.

 

[DebK1969]

Hi Sarasa, thank you so much for your comments. I will certainly phone the support line. Social services are aware of my moms dementia. Only as recently as last week, the social worker we have been dealing with did a spot check and reported that my mom did not have the capacity to make decisions for herself regarding personal care and finances, but today has reported she has the capacity to decide where she lives. All very confusing. We have not yet told my mom the facts about the financial abuse, we plan to do so before the weekend. Social services are aware of our suspicions of financial abuse.

We do not have LPA, we did start to apply for this last year, but realised we had left it too late. But I have been able to be added as a 3rd party mandate to my moms account, and now I have her card, so at least we have control on how her money is spent now. I think because of this, safe guarding are not actively investigating the historic financial abuse we have reported. Of course this leaves us in a very difficult situation, as my moms partner is expecting to receive half towards their monthly outgoings, which would be perfectly fine if it wasn't for my moms money being spent the way it has right up to when I took her card. As such we dont want to give him another penny until the money side is discussed/resolved. But in doing so leaves my mom at greater risk as I am sure her partner will start to get aggressive, especially has we know he is drinking alcohol far too much on a daily basis.

Thank you again

D

 

[nitram]

With no LPA in place if your mother lacks capacity to grant one a COP deputy is the only way to gain full control of her finances.

You could apply to become a DWP appointee which would give you control of all DWP pensions and benefits.

Becoming an appointee is quick and free, your mother would be interviewed to see if an appointee is required and you would be interviewed to check your suitability.

Become an appointee for someone claiming benefits

Apply to become an appointee for someone claiming benefits - how to apply, stop being an appointee

www.gov.uk

Note that legally the third party mandate ceases if your mother looses capacity.

@DebK1969

 

[DebK1969]

Thanks Nitram. My brother is in process of discussing COP with social services, so thanks for the pointer on that.

Its all a bit of a minefield.

 

[nitram]

My brother is in process of discussing COP with social services,

In order to obtain a COP deputyship a >>COP3<< is essential.
An appropriate practitioner being prepared to sign incapacity is proof that a COP deputy is required.
H&W deputyships are very rarely granted.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi @DebK1969
I appreciate that you have real concerns about the behaviour of your mum's partner.... and that you want to make your mum aware of your worries

However, you also say that raising these issues may cause an aggressive reaction from the partner

It is possible that your mum will not grasp why you are concerned and will see your intervention as interfering, which may turn her against you and make supporting her more difficult

Your mum's safety is paramount, and having her continue to trust you and your brother is really important

So I wonder whether you'd be wise to quietly get DWP Apointeeship and Deputyship in place and work with Social Services in the background without mentioning your concerns to your mum and her partner, simply to keep the peace for your mum.... this will mean also paying over your mum's share of bills/expenses, to give the partner no reason to kick off

I'm not suggesting you do nothing to support your mum, just to act in a way that will cause least distress for your mum.... and keep a diary of all troubling incidents so you have more evidence for SS that it's time for a move to residential care for your mum's safety

 

[DebK1969]

Hi, and thank you again everyone for taking the time to post your comments. The situation with my mother has changed. We now have her living with me and my family, temporarily. We approached her partner regarding the money, and initially he said he would look at the statements with us. But a day later he emailed to say he wanted no further contact with us (including my mother), and we now have to deal with his sister. He also stated he had bagged up my mothers possessions and left them out for us to collect, and would dispose of them if we didn't. We are currently waiting for his sister to review the money situation. In the meantime we are battling with social services, trying to get my mother re-assessed and care home options made available. However initial assessment is quite frankly a joke, stating that my mother has no mental capacity to make decisions herself regarding wellbeing, personal cleanliness and finances, nor have sensible conversations with carers/social worker, yet they say she can decide for herself where she lives, even though at the time of assessment, she was completely oblivious to how she was living and to the fact that her partner was spending her money. I'm really starting to struggle to cope with all of this, as well as dealing with my mothers dementia whilst she is staying with us. I will call the helpline, as I just don't know what options are available to us.

Deb