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Mother diagnosed dementia and grieving husband - we are struggling :(

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Janey65, Jan 11, 2016.

  1. Janey65

    Janey65 Registered User

    Jan 11, 2016
    My mother, 83 yrs was diagnosed on Xmas Eve, and this is our first xmas without our Dad. We have had challenging year. Mum has taken Dad's loss hard, married 64 yrs!

    Each day she seems to get worse, from convinced Dad or people in house with her, she gets very upset when tell her otherwise, also aggressive in the manner she speaks

    Mum is now saying we all against her and we making out she going mad to put her in home! Exactly opposite we are totally supportive, but it is getting harder - we go to see her 4 to 6 times per day, ensure she is fed, make her tea. When not with her she is phoning us, constant calls, some days up to 43 per day starting at 4am! The calls can be anything from voices telling her to do something or just to tell us something. When we tell her she just called she says no she hasn't.
    Also she cannot remember Dads funeral and also keeps asking after her Mum and Dad and gets really upset when we say they passed away.

    It is all very tough on us and Mum, we are at breaking point. Social services have given 2 carer visits - but mum says why they coming as she is fine! Also she panics prior to them coming and constantly calls us.

    Any tips on how to cope as this is really testing us .. love my mum and so out of character how she is behaving..
  2. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I really feel for you. In many ways my Ma was very similar - I did unplug her phone at night when she went through spells of phoning into the early hours (I was only 3 minutes away). In the end she couldn't use the phone anyway so it wasn't a problem but I needed to do it in order to be fit for work and fit to care!

    I have to say that many of the things you mention were phases which mum went through. I think the putting into a home bit comes from fear as they realise that their control is slipping away and in many ways they are testing the boundaries of what you can cope with

    I lived by this

    This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

    Do have a look at it

    You might find it helpful

    I had two other lifelines - my carers cafe where I went to have a cuppa with people who just understood!

    my mum's lunch club and morning carer.

    I found that two paracetamol at night helped her settle a bit more during the night. It doesn't interfere with other drugs

    Your mum is also grieving but can't work it through the system in a logical way - I can't even imagine how this must be hurting. I'm wondering if a trip to the GP to see if they can suggest any meds to take the edge off for a short time might be helpful.

    This is a really hard time and you need to build in some breaks for you or you will crack
    keep posting lots of support on here x
  3. Janey65

    Janey65 Registered User

    Jan 11, 2016
    Thank you - that is really helpful, as I see some of the don't in how we respond.
    This is a huge help and sure will make easier.

    It is easier to see that most of Mums actions are the illness - as at the beginning we thought it was Mum and it was horrible.

    I do find it hard not take some things she says personally as its my Mum. She used to be such a strong lady.

    We have thought of switching off phones, but she would get so upset and get self into a panic attack, if not call me then brother, then neighbours / nephew/ she goes round until gets the response she wants. I do find myself shouting at her at times and I feel awful but when woken every 2 hrs, then have to do school run at 8am and be at work for 9am, and then she calls throughout day. My work is very understanding - as I am the boss! but I cant keep taking calls and leaving work to sit with her.. But when I say it not acceptable she denies that she does it and says that she doesn't need us to call in etc....

    We really do not know what the future holds as we do not have room in our houses so she can live with us, and to be honest I am not sure I could cope with the stress, as however she really does not want to go into a home and not be fair to go against her wishes..
    I thought my Dad having parkinsons was bad, but this is awful :(
    Having this forum really helps x
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Dementia follows no logic or reasoning and you soon learn that actually there isn't any point, it is easier and less stressful to agree and move on and then it is all forgotten - i came to the conclusion 'it's only words'

    There are loads of options. Lunch club holds it for a while for a lot of people, live in carers are another option but you will get lots of help, advice and support on here so just keep posting x

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