Mother 82 with vascular dementia.

Gathon59

New member
May 27, 2020
3
Hi am new on here looking for inspiration. My mother lives with my wife and I. We cannot explain why going out during the pandemic is not safe for her or anyone else. If we we say we will go with her she gets angry and violent. She has tried to strangle my wife more than once. Has scratched me so often it is unbelievable. We keep the doors locked as when she goes out she gets lost. Today while I was upstairs she tried to climb over the backgate. When I finally got her down she started to wave a knife at me. Finally had enough and let her go out on her own. Left it for a few minutes then followed her. When she started wobbling caught up with her and brought her home. She acted like nothing had happened. We are at our wits end. Think that the worst thing is that we feel like we are failing her. Just no idea how to get through this.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,569
N Ireland
Hello @Gathon59 , it's important to deal with this development and also protect yourself. A chat with the GP is a good start.

There's a Factsheet about this issue and in the hope that you can get some advice from it here's a link to it https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

I have often seen it advised to have a safe room, with a safe exit, available and keep a phone to hand in case help needs to be summoned.

This may seem like a step too far. However, I have read that it can be useful to report any physical assault to the police as they will record that and this can be useful as a paper trail if you ever seek assistance from Social Services in the future.

If you want to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line can be good, details as follows

National Dementia Helpline
03331503456
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday
9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Live on-line advice is also available in the UK and you can see the details of that if you follow this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline/live-online-advice
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,916
South coast
Hello @Gathon and welcome to DTP.

You are obviously trying very hard to keep your mother safe, but, my word she sounds a handful.
Not being able to explain why they cant go out is a scenario that is being repeated up and down the country all over, but it doesnt sound like your mum is safe when she goes out, even without the coronavirus. Unfortunately, once this compulsion to get out starts it doesnt usually stop. Some people do as you did - allow them out and then follow behind and, at an opportune moment, guide them home again, but you need eyes in the back of your head.

The main thing I worry about, though, is the violence. IMO this takes it the whole thing to a completely new level. Make sure you have a room with a lock on it that you can can escape to and always keep a charged mobile on you so that you can call emergency services if it all turns nasty.

At the moment, though, you cannot keep her safe and you are at risk of her harming you too. You cannot keep this up. Please contact her GP, or the Community Psychiatric Team, if you are in contact with them. The GP needs to know what is happening and there is medication that can calm her down and reduce the aggression.

Have you considered a care home?
 

Gathon59

New member
May 27, 2020
3
Thank you for your quick reply. We have already been in touch with the doctor who has prescribed some stronger tablets for her. Hopefully it will help. Just feel so useless at the moment. The harder we try the worse it seems to get.
 

Gathon59

New member
May 27, 2020
3
Hello @Gathon and welcome to DTP.

You are obviously trying very hard to keep your mother safe, but, my word she sounds a handful.
Not being able to explain why they cant go out is a scenario that is being repeated up and down the country all over, but it doesnt sound like your mum is safe when she goes out, even without the coronavirus. Unfortunately, once this compulsion to get out starts it doesnt usually stop. Some people do as you did - allow them out and then follow behind and, at an opportune moment, guide them home again, but you need eyes in the back of your head.

The main thing I worry about, though, is the violence. IMO this takes it the whole thing to a completely new level. Make sure you have a room with a lock on it that you can can escape to and always keep a charged mobile on you so that you can call emergency services if it all turns nasty.

At the moment, though, you cannot keep her safe and you are at risk of her harming you too. You cannot keep this up. Please contact her GP, or the Community Psychiatric Team, if you are in contact with them. The GP needs to know what is happening and there is medication that can calm her down and reduce the aggression.

Have you considered a care home?
Have been seriously thinking about it. Don't like the idea but we are at our wits end. And at the moment it would seem like a death sentence to put her in one. It's even worse because my wife is one of the highest risk categorie as she has heart problems and diabetes along with other problems.
 

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