Start the day off by persuading Mum to go in Bathroom so I can give her a good wash down (since she broke her hip she can't get into the bath and the shower is over the bath), so no choice but good wash down. On way to bathroom she wets herself. Give her good wash down, wash her hair, get her dressed, put pad on which I have a large pack of just in case. Start up washing machine. Go home have bath myself. Phone rings, can you come in straightaway - eh - I know what THAT means. Sure enough poo everywhere. She's already walking around on her zimmer, stark naked, clothes piled up on kitchen worktop on top of tea towel, lovely! Can't put in wash because machine still going from first load. Wash her down again, change all clothes again, put another pad on. 30 minutes later, phone rings, oh no! Go in again wee and poo everywhere but Mum decided between me leaving and my very fast next visit to take the pad off and throw it into kitchen bin. Third lot of washing, machine stopped. Take out clean clothes, hang up to dry, replace by two more 'accidents' of clothing, start machine again. Clean her up, change again, put fresh pad on telling her not to take it off (you get my drift tho' as pointless saying this cause she won't remember anyway). I am assuming, unless she's having a bad tummy day that this is now the start of Stage 6 of her AD as she's been wee incontinent before but not every day, but not poo. As many of you know if you've followed my journey Mum has been difficult all of my life so she's never been an easy person to deal with. My health is now very poor and I'm going for a stomach scan on Tuesday because of this. I think if this is the start of permanent double incontinence I'm going to have to put her into a home. God knows, I'm stressed enough without the incontinence side of things caring for this objectionable person whose always been nasty, short tempered and narcissistic. Do I sound hard? I've done my very best but now its impacting seriously on my own well being and being a lone carer I can't take much more. It comes to something when your own Mother who doesn't even know which day of the week it is says to you, you look ever so ill, you want to go and see a Doctor! I've neither the willingness nor energy to keep saying to her I have Mum, and I'm going up the hospital on Tuesday.
Most days are now terrible, today its a nightmare!
- Thread starter SueShell
- Start date
You are not selfish, you are exhausted and have done much more for your mother it seems, than she did for you. You have done your best, and I'll be honest if I end up with my Mum being doubly incontinent, it will be time for her to go into a home.
It doesn't sound as if she is mentally well enough to be living alone.
My heart goes out to you but if you need her to be in a home and in all honesty it sounds like the best place FOR HER too, then do it. No guilt, you've done more than your fair share.
It doesn't sound as if she is mentally well enough to be living alone.
My heart goes out to you but if you need her to be in a home and in all honesty it sounds like the best place FOR HER too, then do it. No guilt, you've done more than your fair share.
Sue, I've followed your posts and honestly don't know how you've managed to keep going for so long. It will only get worse so you really, really need to back off and refuse to do any more. She'll survive.
Sue
That sounds like a terrible day. I think you may have to realise that you need help with your Mum. After having experienced double incontinence with my husband I know it's a very difficult thing to deal with. Pete used to remove his protection just like your Mum and indeed there is no point in in trying to explain.
As others have said your Mum doesn't sound too safe on her own and when your own health starts to suffer things have to change. It's better to get more help/ consider the CH action before a crisis situation happens.(I'm an expert in crisis situations
)
Perhaps you could phone SS's tomorrow morning?
Take care
Lyn T
That sounds like a terrible day. I think you may have to realise that you need help with your Mum. After having experienced double incontinence with my husband I know it's a very difficult thing to deal with. Pete used to remove his protection just like your Mum and indeed there is no point in in trying to explain.
As others have said your Mum doesn't sound too safe on her own and when your own health starts to suffer things have to change. It's better to get more help/ consider the CH action before a crisis situation happens.(I'm an expert in crisis situations
)Perhaps you could phone SS's tomorrow morning?
Take care
Lyn T
This was one of the reason's why I decided that I could no longer look after my Mum at home any longer and I lived with her. I could tell she wanted to go to the loo but to get her up off the chair and onto the commode was a trial because she was afraid that as soon as she stood up she would go. what happened was she waited so long that when I did manage to get her up of course she'd left it too long and off she would go fulfilling her own worry. That and her mobility took a sudden downturn which resulted in to an admission to hospital where she sadly died just over a year ago. I broke my heart when I finally admitted to myself that I could no longer cope but I knew that I was doing the best for my Mum and it was Mum I should be concerned about not my feelings of guilt.
You must consider what is best for your Mum and if it is 24 hour care in a ch where they have facilities for her to have a bath/shower and someone else to clean up after her then I would take it. you can then spend quality time with your Mum and leave the rest to others. That is what I had for the last few weeks of Mums life. Time when in hospital where I could visit, hold her hand, talk to her, listen to music with her and tell her I loved her without the worry and pressure of looking after her as well.
Please don't feel guilty about what you are feeling.
Jude
You must consider what is best for your Mum and if it is 24 hour care in a ch where they have facilities for her to have a bath/shower and someone else to clean up after her then I would take it. you can then spend quality time with your Mum and leave the rest to others. That is what I had for the last few weeks of Mums life. Time when in hospital where I could visit, hold her hand, talk to her, listen to music with her and tell her I loved her without the worry and pressure of looking after her as well.
Please don't feel guilty about what you are feeling.
Jude
Please call SS tomorrow Sue, you really can't go on like this for your own health's sake. If something happened to you, then she would have to go into a care home, I don't think that you can or should do this any longer xxxxx
She is at stage 6 sadly
Thanks so much for your comments and of course, you are all so correct in what you say.
She is now fully incontinent sadly Just went in again, she wanted to go to the toilet but too late, and she'd removed the pad yet again. Wash and change again. Her washing machine has pretty much been on non-stop today. I will need to ring SS tomorrow. I feel dreadful doing this because Mum forgets two minutes after she's done such a distressing thing for her, and the rest of the time she's in total denial that there is anything wrong with her. I need to be strong and tell SS that I am not willing to care for her anymore and that a CH is the only solution for her now. I've reached the end of my tether, I can't do anymore, and as my GP once said to me, youre not a 24 hour nursing care department, and of course he's right, but its the guilt of having to do this, but it will be best for her where she will be safe and at least have some company and better for me to hopefully get my own health back on track.
Thanks so much for your comments and of course, you are all so correct in what you say.
She is now fully incontinent sadly Just went in again, she wanted to go to the toilet but too late, and she'd removed the pad yet again. Wash and change again. Her washing machine has pretty much been on non-stop today. I will need to ring SS tomorrow. I feel dreadful doing this because Mum forgets two minutes after she's done such a distressing thing for her, and the rest of the time she's in total denial that there is anything wrong with her. I need to be strong and tell SS that I am not willing to care for her anymore and that a CH is the only solution for her now. I've reached the end of my tether, I can't do anymore, and as my GP once said to me, youre not a 24 hour nursing care department, and of course he's right, but its the guilt of having to do this, but it will be best for her where she will be safe and at least have some company and better for me to hopefully get my own health back on track.
I think you have done more than enough; in fact, I don't know how you have coped this far. This is just too much to deal with and it's not as if it will be the odd occasion. It will be several times a day. I could not do it and a CH will be well equipped to deal with this side of things, with trained staff, proper walk in showers and a laundry room. I think you should start investigating a CH for your mother and that may keep you focussed during this awful time. My heart goes out to you.
Am not placed really to comment Sue - have never been where you are (OH and I have agreed to throw in the towel well before that stage), but can only echo other people's sentiments on here...
Please put yourself first or you will be no good to anyone, let along mum...
Please put yourself first or you will be no good to anyone, let along mum...
You've put it really well Sue, good luck for tomorrow and let us know what happens. Lots of support to you xxxx
Hi Sue
I think you may well have followed my own journey with mum and poo/pee dilemma. It just doesn't get any easier. Mum is now safe in the care home where she can be changed and cleaned as often as necessary. They find pants/pads in all sorts of places as she tries to hide the evidence. Again like you my relationship with my mother pre-dementia was not good either and again like you the whole caring thing made me really ill. I think for your own sake the time has come where you must put yourself first and tell social services that you are no longer prepared to provide the care your mother needs. Try telling them you are off on holiday for x number of weeks so they will be forced to get an emergency respite bed. Once in the bed you can refuse to take your mother home and they are then duty bound to look after her. This may sound like a sneaky way of doing things but believe me it is sometimes the only way to get things done.
I think you may well have followed my own journey with mum and poo/pee dilemma. It just doesn't get any easier. Mum is now safe in the care home where she can be changed and cleaned as often as necessary. They find pants/pads in all sorts of places as she tries to hide the evidence. Again like you my relationship with my mother pre-dementia was not good either and again like you the whole caring thing made me really ill. I think for your own sake the time has come where you must put yourself first and tell social services that you are no longer prepared to provide the care your mother needs. Try telling them you are off on holiday for x number of weeks so they will be forced to get an emergency respite bed. Once in the bed you can refuse to take your mother home and they are then duty bound to look after her. This may sound like a sneaky way of doing things but believe me it is sometimes the only way to get things done.
Oh Sue, how on earth have you managed until now? I take my hat off to you. Now it's time for YOU. Stay strong and please do phone SS tomorrow and get the ball rolling.
Big humongous hugs xx
Big humongous hugs xx
Hello Sue,
Your story sounds like a carbon copy of my Mum's journey and no doubt many other carers too!
At least I share Mums care with my sister, I couldn't cope on my own. You've done an amazing job
so far.
We're just coming up to the incontinence stage and already we're finding it tough. We've recently asked for extra help from Social Services but I'm already thinking that perhaps the time has come to hand over to someone who can take better care of Mum.
Hope you get extra help that you need soon.
<<Hugs>> to you.
Your story sounds like a carbon copy of my Mum's journey and no doubt many other carers too!
At least I share Mums care with my sister, I couldn't cope on my own. You've done an amazing job
so far.
We're just coming up to the incontinence stage and already we're finding it tough. We've recently asked for extra help from Social Services but I'm already thinking that perhaps the time has come to hand over to someone who can take better care of Mum.
Hope you get extra help that you need soon.
<<Hugs>> to you.
Update!
SS rang me whilst I was visiting a friend. SS asked stupid questions that they already know the answers to. I did say yet again she lives in a HA flat. I expect if I'd have said she lived in a £1 million house she'd be in a CH by tonight! My Dad worked all his life, never had a penny off the state and died at 62 before he even got his pension. Mum worked all her life, not a penny has she ever claimed. I worked full-time from 15 to 58 then had to pack up to care for Mum. The only thing we claim for is AA. I don't even claim CA, but because Mum isn't self-funding they just do not want her to go into a CH. SW said that I need to contact Mum's GP to get a home visit so she can have a health check to rule out any other reason for her sudden double incontinence. Rang Surgery. duty doc needs to ring me back. He rings me back, no home visit, just told me to get a urine sample from Mum and he'd keep the pot in reception so I can decant it tomorrow morning (before I go to the hospital for my scan). Easier said than done! I then decided this isn't good enough so rang SW up and told her what had happened re refusal of GP to do home visit to Mum. She said I will ring him up and explain to which I burst out crying saying can't you tell I'm seriously stressed and I'm sick of being given the run around by everyone. She will ring me again tomorrow afternoon. Why do SW keeps banging on about with her agreement? She's got b****y Alzheimers, she cannot make decisions anymore. I get so frustrated and infuriated by all this. You go round and round in circles and get nowhere. By the way, my friend said if I ever want to pack a bag and leave she is happy for me to stay with her as long as I want. It may come to this if SS do not take me seriously when I say I've had enough. This IS the most difficult decision of my life. No-one wants to put anyone in care, but the time comes when your own health becomes even more important than the person you are caring for.
SS rang me whilst I was visiting a friend. SS asked stupid questions that they already know the answers to. I did say yet again she lives in a HA flat. I expect if I'd have said she lived in a £1 million house she'd be in a CH by tonight! My Dad worked all his life, never had a penny off the state and died at 62 before he even got his pension. Mum worked all her life, not a penny has she ever claimed. I worked full-time from 15 to 58 then had to pack up to care for Mum. The only thing we claim for is AA. I don't even claim CA, but because Mum isn't self-funding they just do not want her to go into a CH. SW said that I need to contact Mum's GP to get a home visit so she can have a health check to rule out any other reason for her sudden double incontinence. Rang Surgery. duty doc needs to ring me back. He rings me back, no home visit, just told me to get a urine sample from Mum and he'd keep the pot in reception so I can decant it tomorrow morning (before I go to the hospital for my scan). Easier said than done! I then decided this isn't good enough so rang SW up and told her what had happened re refusal of GP to do home visit to Mum. She said I will ring him up and explain to which I burst out crying saying can't you tell I'm seriously stressed and I'm sick of being given the run around by everyone. She will ring me again tomorrow afternoon. Why do SW keeps banging on about with her agreement? She's got b****y Alzheimers, she cannot make decisions anymore. I get so frustrated and infuriated by all this. You go round and round in circles and get nowhere. By the way, my friend said if I ever want to pack a bag and leave she is happy for me to stay with her as long as I want. It may come to this if SS do not take me seriously when I say I've had enough. This IS the most difficult decision of my life. No-one wants to put anyone in care, but the time comes when your own health becomes even more important than the person you are caring for.
If the SW is arguing that it is your mother's choice NOT to go into a CH, it is also your choice to withdraw your input, particulary in view of YOUR health needs.
Without your input your mother would be classed as a vulnerable adult and social care and health will have a 'duty of care' to protect her.
It is so sad that when carers have given their best and are reaching the point where they just cannot 'do this anymore' and are feeling guilty etc, etc, that the impression is given that the responsibility to care remains with the 'carer'.
You have the RIGHT to decide what contribution you are able to make. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty, if you have done your best you can do more.
Reading your experience I think you have been an absolute 'STAR'.
Look after yourself and your health, and hopefully you will be in a position in the future
where you can have a relationship with your mother that is beneficial to you both.
Sending you loads of love & light x
Without your input your mother would be classed as a vulnerable adult and social care and health will have a 'duty of care' to protect her.
It is so sad that when carers have given their best and are reaching the point where they just cannot 'do this anymore' and are feeling guilty etc, etc, that the impression is given that the responsibility to care remains with the 'carer'.
You have the RIGHT to decide what contribution you are able to make. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty, if you have done your best you can do more.
Reading your experience I think you have been an absolute 'STAR'.
Look after yourself and your health, and hopefully you will be in a position in the future
where you can have a relationship with your mother that is beneficial to you both.
Sending you loads of love & light x
My Dad was physically brilliant, didn't take a tab for anything but was doubly incontinent. Mum had carers coming in three times a day, they'd come in, shower etc help to dress, them mins after they'd gone he was starkers again, they'd come to get him ready for bed and it reversed, he was up and dressed in his own way in ten mins. He'd go to the day centre, loved his "work" asked them to sign his book so he'd get paid, come home, pull down his trousers and perform in the kitchen, or go in the garden!
The day Mum rang me in tears I knew that was it and I was on my way to having an ill Mum too. I rang the social worker and said Mum needed Dad to go in, he went for two weeks immed respite with the aim of staying permanently afterwards.....they still said to Mum maybe she'd feel better when she had a rest, Mum said she couldn't cope any more and I did too. It was an awful time.......but that was the turning point for Mum, it was so hard. My heart goes out to you.......((((hugs))))
The day Mum rang me in tears I knew that was it and I was on my way to having an ill Mum too. I rang the social worker and said Mum needed Dad to go in, he went for two weeks immed respite with the aim of staying permanently afterwards.....they still said to Mum maybe she'd feel better when she had a rest, Mum said she couldn't cope any more and I did too. It was an awful time.......but that was the turning point for Mum, it was so hard. My heart goes out to you.......((((hugs))))
