Moral dilemma.

[Pete1]

Hi @Champers, its a dreadful position to be in - we went through something similar with Dad. He had late stage dementia (and other associated physical issues) and suspected cancer, we made the decision for palliative care (at the right time), rather that further exploratory procedures (and potential subsequent treatment) that I know would have caused Dad a lot more distress. He passed away peacefully three months later. I know it is so hard, but you are doing the right thing in my opinion. Stay strong, my best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Moggymad]

For what it's worth @Champers I also agree you have made the right decision by being guided by the doctor. Palliative care, if her time left is as short as they say, is the only way to go. X

 

[TNJJ]

After several different blood tests, I’ve received a call from the haematologist. She is 99% sure that Mother does have multiple myeloma - all the classic symptoms, markers etc. She thinks that we might be talking about days rather than weeks as the kidneys are virtually shutting down. She told me that she is blissfully unaware of any issues but the specialist asked if I was happy with just referring Mother to the palliative care team and that no further intervention be made.

Still feeling a bit like I’m almost signing her death warrant though. I guess I have to remember that Alzheimer’s is terminal anyway and that even if I could save her from this, the underlying disease is still there. Despite my poor relationship with Mother, I still feel bad making this choice.

I think you have made the correct decision. But it isn’t easy.It never is when it involves family,whether you get on with them or not. .

 

[Champers]

I truly thank you all. I really appreciate the reassurances. I suppose if the medics could do something and thought it would make a difference - they would - and that the decision has already really been made. They just needed my affirmation.

 

[Sarasa]

@Champers, I'm sorry to hear that news, but agree that you've made the right decision. I know the case isn't exactly the same but having seen my brother cope with and manage his ill health for the last few months has made me realise that if treatment is to succeed the person having the treatment has to manage and orchestrate a lot of the care themselves. Your mother wouldn't be able to do that, and any treatment would only confuse and upset her.
Thinking of you {{{hugs}}}

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm sorry to hear your news. Such a short time frame being given is always a shock.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

After several different blood tests, I’ve received a call from the haematologist. She is 99% sure that Mother does have multiple myeloma - all the classic symptoms, markers etc. She thinks that we might be talking about days rather than weeks as the kidneys are virtually shutting down. She told me that she is blissfully unaware of any issues but the specialist asked if I was happy with just referring Mother to the palliative care team and that no further intervention be made.

Still feeling a bit like I’m almost signing her death warrant though. I guess I have to remember that Alzheimer’s is terminal anyway and that even if I could save her from this, the underlying disease is still there. Despite my poor relationship with Mother, I still feel bad making this choice.

Palliative care team is what she requires - I’d have crawled & (did try ) over broken glass to have got this team out - hospitals are quicker to respond than care homes to these situations sometimes.
No you aren’t signing anything this is natures natural shutdown routine.
I hope you find some comfort in my words; I’m not very eloquent at the moment.

making sure mums pain free& comfortable is the most important issue, you are amazingly loving & thoughtful given difficult circumstances.
Parents aren’t always made able to cope with parenthood- yet here you are on the forum pouring your innermost feelings out .......that tells me what a loving honest person you are.
((((((Big hugs)))))))
Xxxx

 

[Champers]

Palliative care team is what she requires - I’d have crawled & (did try ) over broken glass to have got this team out - hospitals are quicker to respond than care homes to these situations sometimes.
No you aren’t signing anything this is natures natural shutdown routine.
I hope you find some comfort in my words; I’m not very eloquent at the moment.

making sure mums pain free& comfortable is the most important issue, you are amazingly loving & thoughtful given difficult circumstances.
Parents aren’t always made able to cope with parenthood- yet here you are on the forum pouring your innermost feelings out .......that tells me what a loving honest person you are.
((((((Big hugs)))))))
Xxxx

I’m in tears from your kind words DofD - I can’t thank you enough, you have given me amazing comfort and your virtual hugs are truly appreciated.

To be fair to the haematologist when she spoke to me, she said exactly that; “I’ll notify and instruct the palliative care team to get everything in place.” So the support Mother will be receiving should be excellent.

I visited her today and although her colour isn’t brilliant, she was still feisty enough to tell me she “has had enough of this place and don’t be surprised not to find me here when you next visit” Gulp!
It’s funny isn’t it? I’ve never felt that we’ve ever had an appropriate loving mother daughter relationship and all of my life I have either been experiencing feelings of fear or anger over her bullying and narcissistic behaviour. Now, she’s just a vulnerable little old lady who is at last trying to reach out to me. If only she had done so years ago, we could have now been so close and not lost all that precious time.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I’m in tears from your kind words DofD - I can’t thank you enough, you have given me amazing comfort and your virtual hugs are truly appreciated.

To be fair to the haematologist when she spoke to me, she said exactly that; “I’ll notify and instruct the palliative care team to get everything in place.” So the support Mother will be receiving should be excellent.

I visited her today and although her colour isn’t brilliant, she was still feisty enough to tell me she “has had enough of this place and don’t be surprised not to find me here when you next visit” Gulp!
It’s funny isn’t it? I’ve never felt that we’ve ever had an appropriate loving mother daughter relationship and all of my life I have either been experiencing feelings of fear or anger over her bullying and narcissistic behaviour. Now, she’s just a vulnerable little old lady who is at last trying to reach out to me. If only she had done so years ago, we could have now been so close and not lost all that precious time.

I do understand that relationship & craving the maternal instinct that Aged Mother never has had, she still manages to play mind games on her good days though!

sadly we can’t create that relationship with our Mums - but the future generations will be very loved & cherished in the way we wanted to be. xxx
Sending you love & light
You have got this xxx
((((Hugs)))))

 

[Champers]

Visited Mother today and I think we’re now entering the last 24-48 hours. She’s wanted to stay in bed the last few days and is sleeping most of the time and refusing food and drink. She also has a yellowy sunken look to her face and is complaining that she’s cold. She recognised me when I sat by her bed but asked me who the man in grey was who was standing next to me although I was alone. I chatted to her for a bit and she still complained that she hated the place, wanted to kill herself and was still planning on walking out.

It’s a very weird feeling. I’m not sure what my emotions are. I feel I should be weeping because I’m about to lose my mother, but our relationship was always fraught as I was always trying to please her and optimistically hoped to earn her praise. I feel sad that her life is coming to an end but also have a strange detached feeling about her. There is an element of guilt although I know I did everything I could by taking charge and making sure her last few months were as dignified and caring as they could be but because she could never resist a snide remark, it makes me question whether I could have done more.

I’m sorry to offload. I think I just need to get my emotions straight in my head.

Thank you all on TP for your support through all of this. Xx

 

[Sarasa]

@Champers, this all sounds so hard, but you’ve done the very best by your mum. {{{hugs}}
Thinking of you.

 

[Shedrech]

just to send you sympathy and best wishes @Champers

do not doubt, you have done and still are doing all you can

 

[Ponddweller]

Oh @Champers I do feel for you. You’ll be going through every emotion under the sun in the next few days and I bet they’ll all feel strange. This is such a disorientating time and there’s no right way to feel. You’ve done a terrific job looking after your mums welfare. Big hugs and look after yourself.

 

[Bunpoots]

We’re here for you @Champers. Offload as much as you need to to get through the next few hours or days.

 

[Champers]

Thank you all so much. You are all truly appreciated. Xx

 

[Duggies-girl]

I had to post @Champers because I am in the same situation with dad although we have always had a very good relationship. Sorry that you are going through this difficult time as well but I don't think you need to reproach yourself as you have done the best possible for your mum.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

 

[Jale]

Keeping you in our thoughts Champers, and sending some hugs for you

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Dear @Champers those emotions..... like being in a snow globe continually shaken about - ever changing & extremely disorienting.
You have been & are still amazing in the level of care, compassion & love - please never doubt that.
My Dad I adored, my Mums a “queer fish” & I dread what’s to come with her deterioration. Mixed emotions & extremes.
Be kind to yourself my lovely
Xxxxx
((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

I hear you, Champers, I really do. I would like it if you keep us updated.

 

[canary]

I am coming to this thread very late. Im sorry.
Reading through the whole saga, Im sure you have done everything that you could have done. I remember when mum was placed on palliative care. It seems so final.
Sending you big ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))