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Moral dilemma.

Champers

Registered User
Jan 3, 2019
228
Thank you all for your replies. Ever single one resonates with me, particularly Grannie G/Sylvi.

“I didn'`t grieve for my mother either. She gave me a hard time as a child and as a carer. It was a relief when I was freed from my duty.”

Wow, this is exactly how I would sum up the whole situation. I’m not looking forward to the funeral, selfishly because people will give polite platitudes and expect me to be ‘feeling’ a certain way. My wonderful daughter, who knew and saw the behaviour throughout the years, volunteered and has written the most appropriate eulogy already. She has worded it respectfully and positively but not added any fluffy untruths or tried to perpetuate the myth that Mother always tried to create about herself.

I spent my whole life, from childhood to middle age, trying to either keep Mother happy or meet with her approval. She could destroy my efforts with a single vicious comment but with regard to her care in her later years, my conscience is clear. Even if she was furious with me, I knew that I did the correct thing to initially employ carers and eventually to move her to a CH. Everyone is so right - it’s time to move on and live my life without having the guilt monkey on my back.

It’s strange to reflect back over the last 18 months since Mother’s first Alzheimer’s and subsequent cancer diagnosis. We’ve had to deal with her very steady decline plus the major issues we had last year with MIL and our battle with SS - who is incidentally, very happy and settled in the CH. Here’s to hoping we are about to enter a period of tranquilit!
 

Champers

Registered User
Jan 3, 2019
228
Just a quick update and yet another moral dilemma I had to face. I hope this one, however, will reassure others that may well have to face the same one that it will be OK.

After organising Mother’s funeral, and because she specifically wanted a Catholic service at her cremation, the earliest date everything could be coordinated was 3 April. Of course, the whole Covid 19 situation changed daily.

I had appointed a lovely, local firm of funeral directors with a great reputation. They were wonderful and incredibly supportive. It was agreed they would take care of catering and booking an appropriate venue. Sadly, within days, there was the government directive about no gatherings and understandably, they were obliged to cancel as a duty of care to their staff.

Meanwhile, I got more and more messages from the few family and friends that were going to attend that, because most of them were in the vulnerable age range, it wouldn’t be wise for them to come. Finally, numbers were down to myself, my husband and our daughter and son. Then our son, who is worked based in Spain, was unable to leave because of their lockdown and our daughter found out she may have been directly exposed to infection, so that was them out of the picture. That just left me and my over 70s husband.

i wrestled for some days with my final decision and then ran it past the four of us. I decided that the cremation would go ahead with not even me there on my own. There just seemed no point and even more harrowing. As soon as I rang my daughter, she said, “Mum, I know exactly what you’re going to suggest and yes, you’re right. We were hoping you would consider this but it had to come from you.”
I was concerned about the funeral directors response but they were brilliant. They said it made perfect sense in these strange times, that many families were also doing the same and assured me Mother would get a Catholic service with mass and a priest. They arranged the music I wanted and the priest rang me in the morning to confirm everything would be done as I wished.

I stopped and thought about Mother at the time of the cremation on Friday and even though I’m not religious, I said a prayer for her as her faith was very important to her. Out of respect, I’ll organise some kind of memorial service when this has all blown over but I feel, even though it was hard, it was absolutely the right choice in this exceptional period.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,853
Just a quick update and yet another moral dilemma I had to face. I hope this one, however, will reassure others that may well have to face the same one that it will be OK.

After organising Mother’s funeral, and because she specifically wanted a Catholic service at her cremation, the earliest date everything could be coordinated was 3 April. Of course, the whole Covid 19 situation changed daily.

I had appointed a lovely, local firm of funeral directors with a great reputation. They were wonderful and incredibly supportive. It was agreed they would take care of catering and booking an appropriate venue. Sadly, within days, there was the government directive about no gatherings and understandably, they were obliged to cancel as a duty of care to their staff.

Meanwhile, I got more and more messages from the few family and friends that were going to attend that, because most of them were in the vulnerable age range, it wouldn’t be wise for them to come. Finally, numbers were down to myself, my husband and our daughter and son. Then our son, who is worked based in Spain, was unable to leave because of their lockdown and our daughter found out she may have been directly exposed to infection, so that was them out of the picture. That just left me and my over 70s husband.

i wrestled for some days with my final decision and then ran it past the four of us. I decided that the cremation would go ahead with not even me there on my own. There just seemed no point and even more harrowing. As soon as I rang my daughter, she said, “Mum, I know exactly what you’re going to suggest and yes, you’re right. We were hoping you would consider this but it had to come from you.”
I was concerned about the funeral directors response but they were brilliant. They said it made perfect sense in these strange times, that many families were also doing the same and assured me Mother would get a Catholic service with mass and a priest. They arranged the music I wanted and the priest rang me in the morning to confirm everything would be done as I wished.

I stopped and thought about Mother at the time of the cremation on Friday and even though I’m not religious, I said a prayer for her as her faith was very important to her. Out of respect, I’ll organise some kind of memorial service when this has all blown over but I feel, even though it was hard, it was absolutely the right choice in this exceptional period.
That sounds like a sensible decision @Champers and I am glad that everyone was in agreement with you. I suppose we were lucky in some ways as we had dads funeral a week or so before the lock down and it all went ahead and it was a nice gathering of cousins and friends. We tried to make it a celebration of dads life and not too sad and I think we succeeded in that.

The thing I find so heartbreaking at the moment is that people are not allowed to see their loved ones who are dying in hospital, it must be unbearable to lose someone to this virus and not see them. I cannot imagine how painful that must be. I find it hard to think about it.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,239
@Champers, that must have been hard, but at least your mum got the service she wanted. Later on, when this is passed you can arrange a memorial Mass and a proper send off for her.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,956
London
You did what you had to do. I think some funeral directors now offer videostreaming of the service so relatives and friends can still watch it from their homes. That seems to me a good alternative.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
274
@Champers thank you for updating us. What a strange situation. I agree you have done exactly the right thing. Also I just wanted to say how much I admire your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are clearly close and have a much better relationship. You have obviously done a wonderful job there, as well as the great care you took with your mother. Mass or no mass later, your mum left in the way she wanted.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,234
South coast
These are indeed strange times, but Im sure you did the right thing.
Formal services can always be done later - perhaps combined with interring the ashes - if (and only if) you want to.