Money

[Katy44]

I have two current problems with money!
My Grandma seems to constantly have large amounts of money in her purse. I estimated last time she had over £200 as she was taking me out for a pub lunch! We presume that she harrasses my Grandad to get it out for her, and if he refuses she becomes fixated on it and makes his life h**l until he agrees. She must feel she needs this much as she can no longer use her debit card or write a cheque.
Not only is she in danger of being mugged (as she will quite often get this money out in the street in shops etc) but she may be being conned.
Also, she has always been very generous with us (her grandchildren) but now it is getting out of hand. She hands out money for taking her on the shortest car journey (as petrol money) - she can easily give £40 for a 5 mile journey. She doesn't only give it to grandchildren, but also to our parents. We now try (especially parents) to sneak it back to my grandad, but it upsets my mum, as she wonders if in moments of clarity my grandma realises how much money she is giving out and how greedy we all must seem. Any attempts to refuse money are met with arguments and can really put her in a bad mood.
Obviously the most important problem is how to stop her wandering around with large quantities of cash. She will accuse my Grandad of all sorts if he refuses to get it out for her - does anyone have any reasonable excuses we could use?

 

[Jude]

Dear Katy,

I too have money problems with my father, but at the opposite end of the scale because he won't part with it for any reason.

Having said that, I suspect that the symptoms are similar ones of security. What I did was to ascertain just how much my father needed to have in his wallet to feel 'secure'. He settled on £50 and I now top this amount up secretly so that he always has this amount available - not that I have to refill it very often.....! He also, very occasionally, decides to sent money to various family members. I have given him a cheque book and he writes fairly enormous cheques which I then ensure that he gives to me to post. I then tear them up, which is a much cheaper option.

Since your Nan has always been generous, it might work for her to establish a 'security wallet' amount - especially since your family are so good about returning the money to be recycled and then perhaps give her a cheque book under supervision.
Your Grandfather will also have to be in on the act, but it may work.

Another way would be to ensure that there are two signatories on the cheques so that they aren't cleared. That might stop her writing cheques without your knowledge. All of my father's cheques are countersigned by myself as POA. A lesser amount in her wallet might help to prevent her being mugged for her money as well, which is a real worry. My mother used to carry the money for shopping in her handbag and I got around that by leaving her bag at home and 'forgetting' it. She now never carries a bag.

Hope some of these ideas may work for you.

Jude

 

[Kriss]

A word of warning on the dual signature bit. I was informed when registering the EPA with my aunts bank that cheques under - I think it was - £2,000 are not checked for signatures - how re-assuring! Its usually aound £20,000 for business cheques!!!

Kriss

 

[Jude]

Dear Kriss,

Thanks for the info. I didn't know that!

Jude

 

[Katy44]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think cheques are too much of a problem, as I doubt she is capable of writing a cheque any more - she wouldn't even know what the process is for I don't think.
The idea of having a set amount in her purse every week may be a good one. My grandad would have to introduce it as something they were both going to do, in order to keep a track of their money. If that became a habit it may be more acceptable to her. We can certainly try!

 

[thompsonsom]

Hi

We got around the problem of money with my mum in law by copying £10 notes and giving her fakes. she carried them around with her till she wore the print of but it kept her happy, only problem is that if your mum pays anyone outside the home you could get done for passing forged notes. Most of the time with mum it was just like a security blanket and she needed to know she had money but would not part with it.

janice

 

[Jude]

Dear Janice,

Great idea, BUT.......!

I can just see my father passing forged photocopied tenners in Tescos. [hey, say that last sentence really fast - it's great alliteration actually.....do not try this with a mouth full of spaghetti, it's messy] That could be 'aliteration' - one or two l's - oh please yourselves. It doesn't look quite right either way now actually.

Anyway, whichever way you look at photocopied money, it is still going to look dodgy and probably going to annoy the 'powers that be' somewhere, somtime, somehow.

Whatever, you may need a bit more than fast talking to get you out of the ensuing dramas.

Cheers,

Jude

 

[Katy44]

Someone should set up a Bank of Alzheimer's and it should issue its own notes!

 

[Chesca]

Dear Katy

I used to have a similar problem with Mum. Eventually, instead of trying to give money back to Mum, I gave it to Dad who put it back in her purse, so it just made the rounds and nobody got hurt. It was easier in the long run.

As for being mugged, I suspect there are not many occasions when your Grandma is left to her own devices, so try not to worry too much.

Best wishes
Chesca

 

[Katy44]

Hi Chesca,

Thanks for your advice. The money-recycling thing is what we are trying to do at the moment, but we just have to hope she doesn't see!
As for being mugged, you are right, she doesn't go out on her own much, but on ocassions she fights with my Grandad and then leaves and absolutely refuses to let him go with her. Last time it was evening, she ended up in a taxi, where the taxi driver wasn't nice to her (and this upset her a lot) and then in a shop where the woman on the till realised there was something wrong and called the police and stopped her leaving until they had arrived. I suppose the solution would be for my Grandad to insist on going with her, but this would absolutely infuriate her!
I'm sorry that I go on and on in my posts but it's so good just to have somewhere to do it.

 

[Chesca]

YOU go on? Darling, you're a novice! People see my name and clear the board. In fact I have a theory that the recent carryingson with my crashing PC was sabotage. Why do you think there are very few on TP in the early hours of the morning? Oh, they are all up alright............. until I put them to sleep or they lose the will to live.

So, don't be apologising for what you have to say however long it takes. I promise there is always somebody to listen.

On more important matters, and I hate saying this, but the time may shortly come when your gran will not be able to go out alone at all. In the meantime you can only all do your best to protect her, struggle though it is, I know. The taxi rides are a bit scary though!

Thinking of you (not much help but thinking of you nevertheless)
Chesca

 

[Katy44]

I don't think it was sabotage - just overheating!
I can really see the decline in my gran, she seems to be deteriorating much faster than she was 6 months ago. I just hope she will be around and aware enough to enjoy my wedding in a few months.
I wish I could get my Grandad on this forum - he is her carer and I think it would really help him. However that would involve buying him a computer and teaching him how to use it...I'm sure he could manage it but I don't think he would want the extra hassle at the moment. I sometimes feel like printing posts off and sending them to him!
I really admire all of you on this board who are carers, I don't know how I'd cope in the same position.

 

[Jude]

Dear Katy,

When is the wedding? I hope you will post some photos! I also hope that Gran will have a wonderful day with you.

Jude

 

[Chesca]

Dear Katy

Thanks be it's overheating! My central heating system has now collapsed so it will be useful to sit around the PC and keep warm whilst I rant.

I always feel a wry smile coming on when people say that they are not really the carer; in your case, you feel your grandad is. Within the official definition I suppose he is, but you are also - you are watching out for them and finding out information and you also have a big heart - a very useful attribute, particularly as you're marrying in a couple of months! Unless your betrothed is only marrying you for gran's largesse with her funds!!!

I tried to get Dad to use a computer but he is too old for new tricks and has been too seriously depressed by the events of Mum's illness to absorb anything. But the one surprising thing he has done, encouraged by one of his support workers, is to join a local carers' group. And he has taken to it; offering the benefit of his experience and support to others going through their own particular nightmare has given him an interest. In addition, they also provide him with all kinds of information and advice on how to get support and sometimes do it for him. I never thought he would go but he did, in his time.

Why not print selected posts off for your Grandad? Brilliant idea. He may be able to see that what he is experiencing is shared by many and may feel a little less alone with some of the dreadful feelings and confusion that must be so big in his life at the moment.

I hope in all of this chaos that your wedding plans are going tickety boo and we shall all be in receipt of wedding cake and a photo posted here.

Lots of love
Chesca

 

[storm]

Dear Katy44, I think thats a great idea to print off some of the posts for your grandad maybe you should leave out the ones were we are having our mad half hour unless he as a mad sense of humor!also maybe you could print out some fact sheets for him unless you have already done so.I think the more we learn about A/D the better able we are to cope as carers.I know it might be hard to stop your gran going out on her own but we all have to be tough at times and i think your grandad should stop her for his own peace of mind and your grans safety.It proves you are a carer by the fact you care enough to come on this site and its obviuse that you love your grandparents very much.Good luck with the wedding plans. storm

 

[Katy44]

Thanks!
I think you're right about stopping my Grandma going out alone - he will just have to be firm and put his foot down, it's not worth the stress and possible danger.

 

[storm]

Dear Katy44,Well done you are sounding a lot more positive and once you make a stand things seem to fall into place, its hard at first but mum seemed better once someone had taken charge and given her rules she had to stick to good luck storm

 

[Jude]

Dear Katy,

It also might be an idea to speak to your grandfather about how he would feel about locking the doors to ensure that she can't go out alone and get in to any danger.

It's a pretty hard thing to have to do initially, but I quite often have to lock up and hide the keys when my father is agitated and wants to run off. This hasn't happened for quite a long time now since he has settled in to our new home, but for the first few weeks it became essential.

Jude

 

[Katy44]

I am a lot more positive thank you. I saw her at the weekend, and although she was talking about her two husbands, the one she married and the one that follows her around now (as I'm sure you have guessed, they are one and the same) she seemed happy enough.
As far as locking the doors go, that may be something he would have to do. Unfortunately they live in a tiny one bedroom flat, and I can imagine they would both get a little cabin fever! There haven't been any reports of her wandering for a while now, touch wood, so maybe this is something he's started doing. I can well imagine he wouldn't tell us, as he likes to go along with her version of events - that there's nothing wrong with her, as much as possible.
From reading the posts here I am getting an idea of how hard this must be for him, I have no idea how I could cope in his situation and I just hope I never have to.

 

[Jude]

Dear Katy,

Caring is a very difficult job and it must be so much more exhausting for elderly carers. Would your Grandfather be amenable to day care to give him a short break during the week - that is assuming that your Grandmother would consent to go?

Jude