1. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004

    Mum is getting quite a bit worse now, although she still likes to go out on her own and maintain a little independence.

    Problem is that Dad gives her money to go out. Each day it is all gone and she has nothing to show for it and can't remember what she's done with it. Dad has given her £15 every day this week and, frankly, can't afford to keep doing this.

    He has found the odd top that she's bought (in a size 16 or 18.....the last size she remembers being), unfortunately it's been a long time since she was that size and is now a 22!!!

    Dad thinks to give her any less would be tight on his part (in case she wants to buy something), however her concept of money is gone.

    I think he should give her less (so that if she's wasting/losing it or whatever), it won't be so bad.

    Has anyone got any experience of this type of thing?


  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    So sorry to read of dad's dilemma. Can understand that he still wants to give mum her independance but at what cost.

    Cannot help in this instance. Lionel stopped carrying any amount of money after he 'lost' about £80 one day, just going to buy a pint of milk. He had decided to put extra monies in his wallet, from the drawer where it was kept, this day, and promptly lost it, wallet, milk everything. He returned home in such a state.

    So sad for them, in their troubled world. Do hope someone gives you a solution soon. Regards,
  3. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    Hi mandyp,

    There are so many aspects to this situation. As you say, your dad wants to give your mum as much independence as possible. The question is, given your mum's state of health, is that level of independence reasonable?

    He may have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she is not able to do the types of little shopping trips that she used to.

    Is he her sole carer during the week? Does she attend any kind of day centre? It may be that her little trips out give both of them a bit of a break. Would she consider going to a day centre or perhaps you could have a some sort of "friend" (befriender, carer, etc.) to accompany her on a regular trip?

    Take care,

  4. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    I don't want to add to your worries, but I would also be concerned that she could be targeted by unscrupulous people if she has more than a few pounds on her person. There is an elderly frail and infirm lady that withdraws her own money at our local post office for whom I (and the PO staff) have grave concerns. She always takes it out at the same time each week and is so frail she could be knocked over by a feather. We all dread the day she may be targeted by someone who has observed her regular routine.

    Perhaps your Dad could be persuaded to reduce the amount he gives her to help her be less vulnerable to thieves . . .??? Nell
  5. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004

    Dad is Mum's sole carer all week, I look after her on Saturday and Sunday (as I work during the week) to give Dad a break. We're fine then as I buy us lunch/coffee etc.. She never makes any attempt to spend any money with me (sometimes I wonder if she's not smarter than we give her credit for in that respect - lol!)

    We have thought about the potential for her being ripped off, but Dad still feels he can't let her go out with no money.

    She won't have a carer or befriender (although we're trying to talk her into it). Dad was previously opposed to any of this kind of help, but is finding it harder and harder as time goes on. Sometimes he just needs the break to get housework done. Mum isn't having it, saying 'people will think I'm daft'. Very hard.

  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I don't know what my mother did with the pocket money my brother gave her when she went into respite, it could have been stolen or she could have given it away. (It was because of our fear of thieves that we only let her have little bits after she'd given it to me, when she said "you can't expect me to understand economics".)

    (I remember 2 years before I realised she had dementia, when I last took her to the theatre, we had tea and cake in the tearoom and she was wondering how much to tip, I suggested 10%, and she carefully calculated 10 times the amount we'd spent, and gave that amount to each of the waiters and waitresses, not just the one who'd served us, a lucky day for them. In those days, that was just one of her eccentricities, compulsive generosity.)

  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I can't say I've had this problem- my mother has become more like the queen: never carrying money on her (or at least thinking she isn't). Fortunately, she is not mobile without help, so the carer pays, and then I reimburse.
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Mandyp
    I can understand Dad giving money to mum.
    I think this is a conscience thing with husbands.
    I have always thought what an awful thing for a woman to be so dependent on a man and to have to ask for money.
    I have always put money in my Peg's purse,since she has been ill,she doesn't use it,she doesn't use her handbag anymore.
    If she is taken out by a carer I give some money to the carer to keep for Peg,it is always brought back.
    It makes me feel better and she is independent although she doesn't know it.
    What would a psychologist make of this!!
  9. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    Yes Norman, that's exactly how Dad feels about Mum, that she never had to rely on a man before and how awful that she has to now.

    In truth, I think it probably bothers him more than her. However she does need to carry some money, I think less is probably best.

    Neither of us would ever have dared to go into Mums handbag, we used to slag her that it would have been easier to get the Holy Grail than into her handbag:)

    All so different now.

    Thanks for all your replies.

  10. MrsP

    MrsP Registered User

    Mar 19, 2005
    Hi MandyP

    Dad used to carry his pin number on a large piece of paper in his wallet- since then my uncle has taken over resposibility of the money!!! He always has a few pounds in case he wants to go to the shop over the road, and the girls in there are very kind and take the money they need from his hand (hopefully they can be trusted) as he can't count it out himself. I certainly wouldn't feel happy for him to have £15 at a time- as others have said there are so many unscrupulous people out there who may take advantage.

    If your Mum doesn't have anything to show for the money then it probably wouldn't do any harm to give her only a small amount as she obviously isn't buying anything in particular. Sorry can't be of any more help.

    Regards, Kate x.
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I`m afraid my mother was robbed left right and centre during the progress of her dementia.
    I had a POA, and, eventually, her pension book, but as she had always been in business, she was used to carrying quite large sums of cash around with her. Remember in her days, not everything was done through the bank.
    Through one period, I was giving her money every day. It was her own money, she had an empty wallet, so what could I do.
    She was still driving, kept filling the car with diesel instead of petrol, always had garage bills, went to the hairdressers a few times a week, and had manicures and pedicures too.
    What a relief it was when she went to the Day Centre.
  12. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Hi All
    I also have a struggle with Mum and Dad about carrying large sums of money.
    My Mum is also like the Queen, never carries money, but expects my Dad (also has AD) to look after their money. She will then take control of money in the house and hide it, of course neither Mum or Dad know where it is hidden and Mum says, "some one has been in and stolen it."
    I know the answer is not to give them large sums of money, but Mum never forgets she has to collect their pension (although she forgets I am her Daughter) and it is easier to take them for their pension.
    Recently, I cannot find any money in the house and they should have quite a few hundred pounds in hand. Where it has gone, I don't know and certainly none of the family has stolen it.
    It is a difficult situation when like Mum, who has never used cheque books or cards, always paid cash insists on having lots of money around. I have tried to get their pension paid in lower denomination notes, so it looks like a lot, but she still insists she needs her pension every week.
    The things you want them to forget, they don't and the things you want them to remember, they don't. Such is life!!
  13. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    Oh Alfjss! You are SOOOO right!! I reckon the Alzheimer's Society could have this made into a bumper sticker for members!! (Only joking!!) Nell
  14. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004

    It does seem like a no win situation. If we don't give her money, what will she do? She does get angry when she thinks that Dad is not giving her enough. Dad is suspicious someone, somewhere is ripping her off (God help them if they are and Dad gets a hold of them!!) I think it's more likely she's walking off without change, although can't deny the potential for something more undesirable is possible.

    The only thing I think we can do is make sure she has a little, but not a lot.

    It's so awful, Mum has always been a 'spender', that had a passion for shoes and clothes (like most women :) My old room and their bedroom is absolutely full to the brim with shoes/tops and skirts that she's been buying (and hiding)......none of which fit as she's put on so much weight!!

    Dad said that keeping money from her makes him feel like some sort of control freak. It's strange how in spite of an illness that makes Mum totally dependant on Dad that he should feel like a control freak!! I guess this is more in connection with the relationship that they did have (where both of them did their own thing and also had time with eachother, a very independant pair).

    As if the AD itself isn't bad enough I'm sure that my Dad also beats himself up over the indiginties that have been forced onto Mum in terms of the way their marriage was and the way it is now.

    On a happier note, spent the day with Mum......I bought the coffee and chocolate eclairs:)

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