Mom went to care home today but going very badly ?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by blackb15, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    After much consultation with the relevant people I place my mum in a care home today.The care home is very expensive it has the top marks what is been reviewed, it is a dementia nursing home and also comes highly recommended.my mother who as vascular dementia did not want to go into care.I visited the home of a number of occasions and was very impressed
    i've had an update today she is banging on the door, shouting constantly ,pacing refusing to eat and constantly trying to escape and they are very concerned about the behaviour ,despite the fact I told them she would not want to be there any advice appreciated.
    Thanks
    Paul
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,106
    Toronto, Canada
    First, let me say that it can take several weeks or more for a person to settle into a home. It took my mother 2 months before she stopped packing up her clothes every day. I wouldn't even think of getting concerned unless there is absolutely no change after a couple of months.

    If it is a dementia care home, they should understand and have seen this behaviour many times before. Ask them how they have dealt with it before - I cannot imagine they wouldn't have seen it before.
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,486
    Female
    England
    My husband was in an assessment unit before going into a nursing home and he spent weeks with his coat on and his clothes tucked under his arms pacing around wanting to get out.

    It was 9 weeks before he left the unit and he was completely settled and walked into the nursing home without a problem. It won't happen overnight so take heart.

    As for the behaviour it is very common and a dementia home should be able to handle it. They will have seen your Mum's behaviour many times before and if they are showing concern maybe they are not up to the job of caring properly for someone dealing with dementia. As you say they are being paid a lot of money and should be providing an appropriate level of care.
     
  4. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Paul, I just wanted to reiterate what Canadian Joanne has said really - It can weeks/months for someone to 'settle down' and distressed behaviour should really be expected with a change of environment for a dementia sufferer - if they are a home specialising in dementia they should not be AT ALL fazed by your mum's behaviour and unless the update from them was along the lines of 'well this is how she is but don't worry, she'll be fine, we'll manage' etc. I would be a little concerned that they may have a good 'front' but no substance? Surely the way your mum is why she needs to be there...
     
  5. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,400
    Kent
    I agree, Dad is in a specialist dementia nursing home, been there just over 7 months now, it took him a good 2 to 3 months to accept and adapt to a certain extent. He didn't bang doors but continuously paced, said he was going, didn't eat well etc. The home worked hard to settle him in and showed their experience and understanding of dementia in doing so which is what we looked for, expected and so far haven't been let down. I can never say to dad in a direct way that I am leaving, he would start to come with me each time, we don't take him out which makes me feel guilty but as he has accepted things as they are I don't want to undo all the hard work by me and particularly the staff. The behaviour you have described without any doubt at all, they should be able to handle, it is normal dementia presentation for a lot of people, if they can't then they can't provide the expertise they have told you they can. Maybe they were just giving you an honest idea of how things are going in such early days rather than them meaning they can't already cope. I would ask, better to be clear straightaway what they are capable of dealing with. Good luck
     
  6. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    The nurse I spoke about my mom to seemed very worried ,when I said it must happen a lot like this she said not like this with my mom.I am hopping for a better update today and advice as when to visit.The home also took a £2200 admin fee non refundable which is worrying if they won't continue with her.anyway thanks for the advice.
    Paul
     
  7. supertrooper

    supertrooper Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    33
    In addition to all the other helpful posts..It is natural to feel uneasy, uncomfortable with a myriad of thoughts...
    One of your concerns is that the home may not be able to cope, let's be realistic you know your mum better than anyone here, she's making a fuss. This you expected and you put the home on notice saying mum had vascular dementia and wouldn't want to stay. They accepted to care for your mother. I hate giving advice here but if I were you I would be trying to "weather the storm", and it could last for some time.

    I think the home is keeping you informed letting you know that its not an easy transition for anyone. I think you would be more concerned if she hadn't for want of a better term 'kicked off'. You'd be saying, what's the matter with her I didn't expect this?

    Paul, just do what you have to do, in other words, watch from a distance, let the home tell you the problems and events they are coping with and let it go. You won't find this easy but it should help you cope. Try not to think they are going to evict mum because of her behaviour. They have seen it all before and it is not your responsibility, in that you cannot change mum's behaviour, she is ill. Try not to doubt the home give them a chance. Since you mentioned the fee paid, look at it as the staff justifying their fee if it helps. (That sounds awful but I hope you understand what I mean). After all if Mum wasn't ill and didn't need care......

    Listen to their concerns and what they want/ need to say AND RETREAT. They will soon communicate if there is anything you could do to help.

    Save your battles, for when you really need to fight, you know what I mean, take care of yourself, for what it's worth I think you are doing a marvellous job looking out for mum.
     
  8. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    Thanks so much for the last post that's really good advice I'm waiting for an update today much appreciated
    Paul
     
  9. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    It took my mum quite a long time to settle, and she was very determined to 'go traveling' and basically get out and about to see to many an imagined thing. And she'd get very cross if anyone tried stopping her! But she did settle, and is now doing very well indeed.

    One thing I'd say is that if someone is being aggressive or very distressed then a little bit of medication can make a huge difference. I would have thought that the care home would be asking a doctor, to see if anything can be given to calm her down.

    I'm not usually a fan of medication but my mum went from almost constantly paranoid and angry (or afraid) back to her usual self. Yes, she still has Alzheimer's and her memory is getting worse and worse, but she's able to enjoy life now, to have a sing, to gossip with friends, to enjoy her food. And she's bright and alert, so I'm definitely not talking about a medical cosh.
     
  10. pippop1

    pippop1 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2013
    518
    Just to add another voice, it took my MIL many months not to say that she was coming home with us each time we visited. She could be agressive about it.

    For ages we had to beat a tactical retreat and just let the staff get on with it. It's not nice but has to be done. Our retreat consisted of saying we had to get something from the car or were just nipping to the loo. Then we didn't come back.

    Now she says "how lovely to see you" (never did that in the 30 years before, when we visited her at home) and is much more content. She doesn't know she's in a care home though and we don't mention it. We think she thinks she's in some sort of day care place.
     
  11. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    Had a update she got out the unit yesterday and had a physical incident with a career trying to get her back has not settled at all ,they have asked a doctor re medication but no decision yet.
    Thanks for all the advice
    Paul
     
  12. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    The mention of medication ran an alarm bell for me.
    As others have said, if this is a nursing home which accepts residents with dementia, then they should know how to manage this sort of behaviour.
    It could be it that if it is only a residential Care home rather than a nursing home, then perhaps it is not the right place for your mother .
    I'm not suggesting that medication is wrong but that it depends on what is used and ensuring that it is appropriate.

    It must be very worrying for you, especially as it is so soul-destroying to have to place someone you care about in a home of any sort. I wish you the very best.
     
  13. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    People wanting to get out is very common with dementia, so Im also a bit concerned that she managed it! :eek:

    From these posts Im beginning to wonder if they cater specifically for dementia, or whether its a general care/nursing home that will also accept people with dementia. If its the latter, they may not know how to deal with the more challenging aspects,
     
  14. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    It is a dementia nursing home with very high ratings from the care quality commission otherwise I would not have put my mom their
    Paul
     
  15. Droid

    Droid Registered User

    Mar 6, 2015
    1

    Hi paul,

    I am curious how you got your mum into a care home. My MIL has had dementia for last 5 and now gone into alzheimers and in the last six months she had really gone downhill. She lives with FIL and my wife and sIster in law care for her. Both are late 70's, my FIL rings daily and says he can't cope but won't committ to putting her a home. I understand that. But now enough is enough, how did you go about entering a care home. Not really had a great service from The mental health services,
    Thanks

    Kris
     
  16. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    As I have been the sole carer for my mum for 9 years and I have power of deputy I just looked is about 30 care home found the right one they assessed her and then admitted are we are self funding so it was really just my decision.i hope that helps.
    Paul
     
  17. blackb15

    blackb15 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    23
    Better news

    Just to let you know my mum has settled down over the last two days she is trying to get out but only asking now ,they was no need to medicate her as it turned out .
    I'm hoping to start visiting when the home think it's a good time for me to do so thanks for your help
    Paul
     
  18. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,106
    Toronto, Canada
    That's good to hear. Your mother seems to have started settling in fairly early, which is good all around. Here's to it continuing.
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Ah, that is good news :)
     
  20. Goldi

    Goldi Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    10
    I have had a very similar experience recently. My dad has gone into a care home after a very challenging few months which has seen my mum (his full time carer) been taken into hospital, him falling and ending up in hospital himself and now moving into the home. He has coped with all of this surprisingly well until the last few days where he has completely retreated into himself - he will not open his eyes and keeps pushing people away, is very agitated and not eating well.

    I just hope people's comments here are true and that he settles in eventually. The care home he is in is great - and the staff seem to be very competent and loving so I am less worried about that, just concerned that he is desperately unhappy and that he feels that he has been abandoned by his family.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.