Mom seems lucid and dad getting weaker

[Caroleca]

Mom has been in a CH for over a year now. Dad will still not let us decorate her room as she still wants to go home. My sister and I feel like it's time to put some pics up. Dad is completely worn out of course and goes to the home for at lease 5 hours a day. Mom was originally put in the home as she didn't recognize dad and was calling the police to take the strange man out of her home. This of course went on for months until we finally decided as dad nor Mom couldn't deal with caregivers in their home, dad pretty much had to put ma in the home. mom had dementia for quite a few years and dad kept it a secret. She ended up in AE with gall bladder problems to the extent where she had sepsis and ended up in the dementia world to the point that he finally asked us for help.
The sad part is (other than mom not recognizing us) is that she seems to realize that she was out of the home because of her memory loss. The hard part is when she ask me and my sister "do you think I'm cooky"? It is so hard....I know the compassionate care would be to say no...you r Here because the doctor wants you to be until u get better.

She will say to me...I've only been here for a few days...but then she will say..I know I have to be here u till I get better....not sure who put me in here.

It has become apparent that for the most part she thinks dad is a friend that my dad sends to visit her.

Honestly mom for the most part is fine. She appears lucid but then it is obvious that she is really confused. The problem is dad. I went to his house eventually as he has been keeping us away...and it is obvious that he needs a cleaner. My sister and I spent a day cleaning the kitchen and bedroom...it seemed to buck up his spirits...we r going back tomorrow to finish the house.

I guess I am rambling on as I know this is all killing dad. His breathing is laboured and he can bearly walk without getting out of breath. I realize that being 86 and having many surgeries over the years...he is getting worn out.

My biggest concern is with him visiting every day ...she has no idea of how he is physically and Im Afraid what will happen to her if his health completely fails. Maybe I should cross that Bridge when we get there but I am at a loss on how to get him to take time off of the visits.

For moms sake...she needs to interact with the other people at the home...but she pleasures herself in the fact that she has a husband and none else On her floor has...which of course makes her very jealous and won't let dad chat with anyone...especially other women there.

We have tried to get dad to take time away by saying we can make a schedule to visit mom...but he is clearly motived by guilt and ends up going anyway.

Sorry, not looking for a fix...just rambling really...both my sister and I are now on anti-depressants which believe me r great....but mom and dad r still on my mind twenty four seven. It is so hard
Carole

 

[Sad Misty]

Dear Carole first let me offer my sincere condolences about you're situation

What you have to try to understand is you're dad is doing al this and sacrifice him self in this matter out of love (be it right or wrong ) and the best thing i believe in this case is try to support you're dad (and obviesly mum ) and if its his wish to come visit every day his wife then let him hun it means allot fore him and im shore somewhere deep inside fore you're mum as well ,same with the time to move on and so on (putting up some pics etc..... in this case if it were my situation i would let my dad have as he whonts it (of course help him with the ground work etc..... along with you're sister.what you have to accept and understand is by keeping things as is helps you're father to cope and hang onto his dream of someday she will be able to come back (as you say he is already 86 so whats wrong with letting him have his dream ? ) , reg the question vs answer back in this case i believe its better to try to give her the answers she wont's

you r Here because the doctor wants you to be until u get better.

again better fore her dear

Believe me i understand how tough it must be to have to hear you're mother saying things like that but we have to keep in mind its not her its her mind and brain that messing her memory up

Again i can understand how that must feel to you (and i dread the day this happens between me and mum, but if this is the way things work then i would say let it be hun try to swallow the sadness of you're mum dont recognize you or dad and be glad that you're utliest allowed to come visit her be it that she thinks you're relatives ,friends or whatever

If you do have the keys then do as i do i do most ground work when my mum is on day care (work in the background s )

Nothing is ever wrong in talking to others and ask fore a listening ear or reading eyes in this case

from what i understand she will simply just continue her life and more or less forget he was there at one point dear . So i wouldent worry so mush about this as this is probably more important fore you're dad then it is fore her at this stage

from what ive red this is also common in the later stages and although sad noone can actually force her to interact with others

Again what i believe is this is the way he manage to cope with this situation and keep the dream alive that someday ........... Probably will continue as long as he lives (i know i will until my mum takes her final breath regardless how hard and tough it is fore me )

let me give you advice that ive been given al this years from the few family members still whonting to try to help support me as best they can (its high time that you Carole and you're sister starts taking care of you're own life's as well dear (not saying leave them but do try to get you're own life's together as well (you're mum is well takend care of in the home ,and well you're dad needs help shore but on the other hand you cant run you're self´s into the ground like this ether Carole nether you're mum or you're dad will win anything by that and defenetly not you two sisters ether Belive i know its a tough desition (i had to take a similar desition as well recently with my mum/still struggling with what to do but i know its gonna be the best desition fore both me as well as my mother)

try to take care of you're sell as well Carole dear i know its not easy but the path you're on right now without trying to get back is not a pretty one dear