I posted this but I just realized this is for UK members and I'm in the USA.
My apologies.
I have removed my post.
My apologies.
I have removed my post.
Mom might have dementia but doesn't think so
- Thread starter TiredAlready
- Start date
Hi @TiredAlready . This is indeed a UK site, but we have several members from other countries, including US. We cant help with legal things or services not in UK, but dementia is the same the world over and we can suggest things that might help
Hi @TiredAlready and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm sorry that such a difficult situation with your mother has bought you here.
I'm glad she got an appointment on Thursday. What I'd do is email or drop a letter off at the surgery with a bullet point list of your concerns. Put in bold that you don't want the doctor to say that you've done this. I did with for my mother and though it took several visits before he realised that my mum did have a problem it got the ball rolling.
I also wonder if this thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired might help you find ways to communicate with your mother that don't lead to major rows. Don't beat yourself up if you don't always succeed, I found it very tricky with my mum and I didn't live with her.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions, but in the meantime have a look round this very friendly and supportive site.
I'm glad she got an appointment on Thursday. What I'd do is email or drop a letter off at the surgery with a bullet point list of your concerns. Put in bold that you don't want the doctor to say that you've done this. I did with for my mother and though it took several visits before he realised that my mum did have a problem it got the ball rolling.
I also wonder if this thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired might help you find ways to communicate with your mother that don't lead to major rows. Don't beat yourself up if you don't always succeed, I found it very tricky with my mum and I didn't live with her.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions, but in the meantime have a look round this very friendly and supportive site.
Welcome to the forum @TiredAlready.
We have members from all over the world so please don’t think that you can’t use the site because you‘re not in the UK.
You might be able to find local support using this link -
www.alzint.org
Having said that please keep posting here You will get lots of understanding and support.
We have members from all over the world so please don’t think that you can’t use the site because you‘re not in the UK.
You might be able to find local support using this link -
ADI - Member associations
Alzheimer associations bring together people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias, their carers and family members, and professionals. Associations provide support to people with dementia and their carers and campaign for change. Some associations also provide services and support research.
www.alzint.org
Having said that please keep posting here You will get lots of understanding and support.
Thank you so much! I have friends in the UK (I'm a vintage doll collector including Barbie, Pippa, Dawn & similar dolls) so I know how sweet you all are. In case I didn't mention it, I'm 57.
Here is the situation: My mom, a narcissist, is 92. I retired last year to move in and care for her. Lately, I've noticed that it seems like stressful or "exciting" situations can trigger tantrums in her. She's always had tantrums, and was quite emotionally & verbally abusive to me growing up and well into my 30s and 40s. But now that she's older they've gotten worse. I am wondering if it's dementia or just "old age."
Today, for instance, we had company. She was a little nervous and already acting somewhat out of sorts. That should've been a warning to me that she was about to act out. She mentioned to me something and I said I knew. That caused her to get all upset. She rolled her eyes, gritted her teeth, GROWLED at me, then proceeded to make threats (she often says I should move out), she thinks I hate her, I haven't changed, I'm a b****, I never loved her, etc. (Backstory - for years she & I didn't get along but thanks to counseling and God's help I have learned to control my anger and not react. I've been going thru some burnout and I overreacted to her today.) Normally, she is kind. I make sure to tell her daily that I love her, I enjoy caring for her, I appreciate all she does, etc. She usually knows these things & appreciates the compliments. Today during her tantrum, she wouldn't believe me. Instead she LAUGHED in a sadistic tone. When I told her how cruel she was, she just laughed more. I couldn't believe she would stoop so low as to laugh, in an almost "delightfully evil" tone. Unfortunately, I rose to her level and gave it right back to her. When I realized what I did, I IMMEDIATELY calmed down and apologized. I went to gently touch her shoulder and she started growling and saying "Don't you dare hit me or I'll have you arrested!" I told her I'd never hit her. She also accused me of clenching my fists, while clenching hers. I showed her my OPEN hands and said my fists aren't clenched but yours are.
Bottom line: when mom is having a tantrum, you can't reason with her or touch her. It's almost like she becomes temporarily insane during these moments. Then, once it's over, she STAYS angry and nurses her grudges. My entire life, she's held grudges against me and brought up my past mistakes, while - in typical narcissist fashion - expecting me to forget and forgive her abusive behavior (she can't be confronted about it, tried but she just gets worse). If I dare to bring up HER past, she turns on the crocodile tears and says things like "I'll remember this" etc. It takes her HOURS and sometimes a few DAYS for her to calm down.
I suspect she may have dementia, because she gets confused easily, forgets things, and often forgets (???) when she's gotten angry with me. However I don't know if it's truly dementia, or just her narcissism.
My 2 brothers don't want to get involved, and when I told them this morning, they just said "I don't how a dementia diagnosis is going to help you, Mom IS 92."
Mom thinks she doesn't have dementia because she can pretty much care for herself...she just needs me to help with making her tea, getting her meds and groceries, taking her to appointments & other places, etc. EVERYONE that sees her thinks the same. Even the aides and caregivers that came in to help her prior to my moving down here. I contacted a local aide who I knew helped mom before and told her the problem, and she basically blamed me for Mom's behavior. She said I don't keep her house as clean as I should and that is why Mom's upset, so I should just move out and only come in when needed. I informed the aide that even though Mom & I's home isn't immaculate like hers, I do all I can and I do housework all the time, also that Mom is more than happy with my services & has said so. I couldn't believe an aide would try to blame ME for Mom's behavior!
So now, I'd like to see if I can get her primary doctor to do some kind of "test" for dementia, without Mom knowing. She has always been suspicious of anyone who does that, because as I said she thinks she does well for her age. And she DOES...except for the occasional confusion, forgetfulness, and most of all TANTRUMS and rage.
Help me if you can!
Here is the situation: My mom, a narcissist, is 92. I retired last year to move in and care for her. Lately, I've noticed that it seems like stressful or "exciting" situations can trigger tantrums in her. She's always had tantrums, and was quite emotionally & verbally abusive to me growing up and well into my 30s and 40s. But now that she's older they've gotten worse. I am wondering if it's dementia or just "old age."
Today, for instance, we had company. She was a little nervous and already acting somewhat out of sorts. That should've been a warning to me that she was about to act out. She mentioned to me something and I said I knew. That caused her to get all upset. She rolled her eyes, gritted her teeth, GROWLED at me, then proceeded to make threats (she often says I should move out), she thinks I hate her, I haven't changed, I'm a b****, I never loved her, etc. (Backstory - for years she & I didn't get along but thanks to counseling and God's help I have learned to control my anger and not react. I've been going thru some burnout and I overreacted to her today.) Normally, she is kind. I make sure to tell her daily that I love her, I enjoy caring for her, I appreciate all she does, etc. She usually knows these things & appreciates the compliments. Today during her tantrum, she wouldn't believe me. Instead she LAUGHED in a sadistic tone. When I told her how cruel she was, she just laughed more. I couldn't believe she would stoop so low as to laugh, in an almost "delightfully evil" tone. Unfortunately, I rose to her level and gave it right back to her. When I realized what I did, I IMMEDIATELY calmed down and apologized. I went to gently touch her shoulder and she started growling and saying "Don't you dare hit me or I'll have you arrested!" I told her I'd never hit her. She also accused me of clenching my fists, while clenching hers. I showed her my OPEN hands and said my fists aren't clenched but yours are.
Bottom line: when mom is having a tantrum, you can't reason with her or touch her. It's almost like she becomes temporarily insane during these moments. Then, once it's over, she STAYS angry and nurses her grudges. My entire life, she's held grudges against me and brought up my past mistakes, while - in typical narcissist fashion - expecting me to forget and forgive her abusive behavior (she can't be confronted about it, tried but she just gets worse). If I dare to bring up HER past, she turns on the crocodile tears and says things like "I'll remember this" etc. It takes her HOURS and sometimes a few DAYS for her to calm down.
I suspect she may have dementia, because she gets confused easily, forgets things, and often forgets (???) when she's gotten angry with me. However I don't know if it's truly dementia, or just her narcissism.
My 2 brothers don't want to get involved, and when I told them this morning, they just said "I don't how a dementia diagnosis is going to help you, Mom IS 92."
Mom thinks she doesn't have dementia because she can pretty much care for herself...she just needs me to help with making her tea, getting her meds and groceries, taking her to appointments & other places, etc. EVERYONE that sees her thinks the same. Even the aides and caregivers that came in to help her prior to my moving down here. I contacted a local aide who I knew helped mom before and told her the problem, and she basically blamed me for Mom's behavior. She said I don't keep her house as clean as I should and that is why Mom's upset, so I should just move out and only come in when needed.
I informed the aide that even though Mom & I's home isn't immaculate like hers, I do all I can and I do housework all the time, also that Mom is more than happy with my services & has said so. I couldn't believe an aide would try to blame ME for Mom's behavior!So now, I'd like to see if I can get her primary doctor to do some kind of "test" for dementia, without Mom knowing. She has always been suspicious of anyone who does that, because as I said she thinks she does well for her age. And she DOES...except for the occasional confusion, forgetfulness, and most of all TANTRUMS and rage.
Help me if you can!
Last edited:
Hi @TiredAlready may I first say how generous (and brave) of you to go and live with, in order to look after, a parent that you have had a very difficult relationship with.
When someone has a prior existing mental health problem it can be difficult to tease out new symptoms of dementia. All the things you have mentioned - including denying that there are problems and refusing to see the doctor about it - can be symptoms of dementia and if these were new I think we would all be saying - get her round to the doctors as soon as. However, as these are old symptoms that just seem to have been magnified it is harder.
In UK their GP (General Practitioner - the equivalent of your Primary doctor) is often open to the suggestion that they might invite them to a "well woman" clinic in order to do one or two checks - blood pressure, eye sight etc including memory tests and if the memory test is suspect, send them for blood tests to rule out other problems. [Id just like to point out here that a "well woman clinic" doesnt exist - it is a ruse to get them to an appointment and a way of doing the memory test without them realising]. I dont know if her Primary doctor would be willing to do similar. Ultimately, though, it will require an MRI scan to see if there is any damage from dementia to tell the difference and that might be difficult to get her there, although you might want to tell her it is for some other reason than possible dementia.
If it is going to be difficult, though, your brothers may have a point. There is no cure for dementia and very little in the way of treatment, what there is only works for Alzheimers, not for any other type of dementia, and doesnt always work then. In UK a diagnosis of dementia will open up doors for financial benefits and services for things like dementia hubs, day care etc. You already have aides going in, so how much will a diagnosis change things? If your answer is - not much - then you may decide not to pursue it. You can still come on here to get tips on how to deal with it.
When someone has a prior existing mental health problem it can be difficult to tease out new symptoms of dementia. All the things you have mentioned - including denying that there are problems and refusing to see the doctor about it - can be symptoms of dementia and if these were new I think we would all be saying - get her round to the doctors as soon as. However, as these are old symptoms that just seem to have been magnified it is harder.
In UK their GP (General Practitioner - the equivalent of your Primary doctor) is often open to the suggestion that they might invite them to a "well woman" clinic in order to do one or two checks - blood pressure, eye sight etc including memory tests and if the memory test is suspect, send them for blood tests to rule out other problems. [Id just like to point out here that a "well woman clinic" doesnt exist - it is a ruse to get them to an appointment and a way of doing the memory test without them realising]. I dont know if her Primary doctor would be willing to do similar. Ultimately, though, it will require an MRI scan to see if there is any damage from dementia to tell the difference and that might be difficult to get her there, although you might want to tell her it is for some other reason than possible dementia.
If it is going to be difficult, though, your brothers may have a point. There is no cure for dementia and very little in the way of treatment, what there is only works for Alzheimers, not for any other type of dementia, and doesnt always work then. In UK a diagnosis of dementia will open up doors for financial benefits and services for things like dementia hubs, day care etc. You already have aides going in, so how much will a diagnosis change things? If your answer is - not much - then you may decide not to pursue it. You can still come on here to get tips on how to deal with it.
Hi again everyone!
Canary, my mom no longer has aides coming over. I was only referring to one who had been prior to my moving here. I realize Mom may not have dementia, but it just seems like her violent outbursts are getting worse. I did leave a message with her doctors office that I would like to have her tested for dementia. She does have diabetes and heart failure, which she takes meds for. She had colon cancer about two years ago and had to have a colectomy. Fortunately they were able to do “robotic surgery“ which was minimally invasive. She is a very strong woman emotionally. There have also been times when she has admitted to me she can be a b—-.
I will have to think on this and also pray.
Canary, my mom no longer has aides coming over. I was only referring to one who had been prior to my moving here. I realize Mom may not have dementia, but it just seems like her violent outbursts are getting worse. I did leave a message with her doctors office that I would like to have her tested for dementia. She does have diabetes and heart failure, which she takes meds for. She had colon cancer about two years ago and had to have a colectomy. Fortunately they were able to do “robotic surgery“ which was minimally invasive. She is a very strong woman emotionally. There have also been times when she has admitted to me she can be a b—-.
I will have to think on this and also pray.
You cannot live with violent episodes.
In UK people with dementia who have violent episodes are referred to the local Mental Health Team for medication review as the drugs used to help these outbursts are the ones used for mental health problems (even though dementia is not a mental health problem). Does your mum have access to a psychiatrist about her MH problems who you might be able to talk to, explain the current problems and they might be able to review meds?
I know she wouldn’t go to a psychiatrist. Many years ago, when she and my dad were still alive, and I was about five years old, they went to a clinic primarily for me. (I have ADHD and mild autism.) The clinic told them they should not be married because they were emotionally abusive to one another. After that, my mom swore off psychiatrists forever. I should point out that my mom was also emotionally abusive towards my dad, who also had ADHD but was never treated for it. She also refuses to take medication for depression. Her doctor gives her vitamin D2 in a 50,000iu weekly dose via prescription. I personally believe she needs more but her doctor disagrees. I should also point out that we live in the country and the doctors here are not always the greatest. I lived in a major city for 30 years and we definitely had better doctors there
Difficult.
Just make sure you keep yourself safe. Always have a fully charged mobile on you, keep out of her way when she gets violent and have a room with a lock you can lock from the inside plus external access (even if only a window) that contains a go-bag with money and essentials.
Just make sure you keep yourself safe. Always have a fully charged mobile on you, keep out of her way when she gets violent and have a room with a lock you can lock from the inside plus external access (even if only a window) that contains a go-bag with money and essentials.
