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mom is refusing carers and social adult services are not helping her


Registered User
Jul 12, 2014
hi all
im in turmoil I really don't know what to do or which way to turn , my mom was diagnosed last year with vascular dimetia, she has recently had a stroke this yes a big stroke , mom has changed dramatically , she is now swearing at me terrible , wishing me dead , saying everything is my fault , its so upsetting I cannot go round to visit her , she had become very aggressive , threatening her carers and even going to hit them , she says she doesn't want the carers as she does not like the way they are with her , when they call she refuses them to make food for her in microwave , she is a very high diabetic on insulin ,
the Solihull adult social care are well aware of this mom not having food yet they say to me "she has got carers and we cannot force her to eat food"
they say she has full capacity to make her own choices and she knows what choice she is making ,
surely social adult care sevices have to do something , the one senior care social worker said to the carers I am telling the nurses not to feed her or anyone feed her , then she will call the carers for them to go in her home and make food , im devastated she is being treated as an animal ,
I really don't know what to do , I cant go round and visit her when she is so so abusive to me and everyone else , im in limbo here I don't know what to do , I just feel adult Solihull social services cant wait till my mom dies and shes off there hands as they don't do a thing for her . if anyone has any answers for me id appreciate it , im so scared and worried ,


Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
Firstly may I send you a big gentle hug, as you are in need of one. Secondly, don't beat yourself up so much you are doing all you can but hitting your head against a wall.

How can anyone with dementia as badly as your mother be able to make her own decisions? I think the social services are trying to fob you off. May I suggest you make a few phone calls to Admiral nurses, age UK, her GP and more importantly if nothing is done her MP.

She can't carry on like this and neither can you. You will end up I'll too. Does she get attendance allowance, council tax discount and more importantly do you have power of attorney for health and welfare? I was just think in respect of the benefits this alone should prove to them how she needs help. Social services I would imagine in your area, as in the majority of the country, are overstretched so are probably waiting for a crisis and will then take action, after hospital admittance. Was she not assigned a social worker after leaving hospital? If so contact them.

Have just retread your post and when the Senior person says you are telling them not to feed her, do you think maybe your Mum has said this to the carers and they are believing her, not realising she is delusional and making things up. This is common in dementia and they do become very believable with their stories. It sounds to me that when the carers pop in she is saying my daughter/son says ........ And they are believing he Really! A senior staff member should be aware of this possibility but are choosing to take her word for it, unbelievable!

You need to speak to whoever will listen and I would mention the words 'vulnerable adult' and duty of care to as many people in authority as you can, GP, SW, and adult care. You can always ask for a telephone appointment with the GP without having to go in to make him aware of your Mums situation. I'm afraid the loudest spoke of a wheel gets oiled first so you must keep on at them. She sounds to me like she is very vulnerable, needy and in need of constant care so may need a care home. It's horrible when your loved one changes from all recognition and hard to remember it's the stroke and disease that makes her this way and I'm sure she would be mortified if she knew how she had become bless her.

Please keep us updated, and don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing well in a situation you never asked for, as well as trying to live your own life which I know is hard to do.
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