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Mom in a care home demanding us to take her home

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
My Mother has vascular dementia and has been in a care home since being transferred from hospital nearly 12 months ago , just lately she seems more agitated is aware she is in a care home and keeps asking why she can’t come home ( when she was at home she did not recognise it as her home of 60 years ) was constantly trying to leave some times in the middle of the night saying she needed to go home she would become very hostile and violent towards my Dad who is 87 several times he would call me to go round as he did not know what to do , the rest is a long story
My Mother is now saying she wants to end her life ! On visits she is crying hysterically it’s all becoming very stressful and upsetting for us all especially my Dad , we have found out today the home is closed for 2 weeks due to staff with covid , after re opening for only a week home was closed for 2 weeks prior to Christmas due to d&v outbreak, this further closure is going to have a massive impact on moms mental health Dad as an essential visitor is allowed in however I don’t know how he will cope on his own , can someone please advise how we can help our poor tormented Mom thank you
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,802
0
Hello @MKW

This sounds very familiar to how my mum was. I would firstly ask whether the staff have checked your mum for urine infection, as these can cause havoc with behaviour. I would then ask for a review of medication. My mum was often very agitated and aggressive, and regular tweaks in medication were helpful. Something like Mirtazapine, for anxiety and depression can really improve quality of life.

Ask the staff how your mum is when not being visited. Is it visits which are causing the agitated behaviour? If so, try sending cards and small gifts rather than visiting for a while and see if she settles.

This may be just a bad patch which you need to ride out. If not, I would suggest pushing for a review of med’s. It’s not the answer to everything but can really help.

I’m sorry, this is really difficult stuff. Keep posting for help and support and let us know how things are going.
 
Last edited:

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,148
0
South coast
I wonder which home she wants to go to? When mum got to this stage she was insistent that she wanted to go home, but she didnt mean her home of 30 years that she had lived in before she moved to her care home - she meant her childhood home. It may be that this was the home your mum was trying to get back to when she lived with your dad too.

Asking to "go home" is actually very common, but its not just about bricks and mortar. What your mum actually wants is to go to a different time/place where she can escape the confusions of dementia and feel safe, not understanding that where ever she went she would just take the confusion with her. The confusion may be the reason why she says she wants to die, too - another way to escape it. It may be that some anti-anxiety medication would help. I would talk to her GP about this.
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Thank you I really appreciate your reply , you are right in what you say about wanting to go home , when we asked Mom where is home ? She replied with the address she lived at as a child !
Thank you for taking the time to reply I will keep you posted bless you
 

Lemonaid

New member
Jul 25, 2020
8
0
I am dealing with something very similar. Dad has been in a care home since the beginning of September. It was a traumatic shift as he thought he was going for a few days. He was isolated for 14 days because of covid in the home and then mum, his key carer, got so sick that she couldn’t care for him any more. He suffered a lot at the first home but we have worked hard to find him a lovely one now. However, he is grief stricken over the loss of being at home with mum and we can’t explain to him why. He can’t remember from one day to the next. It’s like he is in a perpetual cycle of sadness and despair and it breaks my heart. We were able to visit at Christmas and he was delighted and really perked up, but when we have to leave he always gets upset and can’t understand why he can’t come. I don’t know whether it would be better to take a step back and leave him to ‘settle’ or whether that is too cruel. You have my heartfelt sympathy and you are not alone.
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Hello @MKW

This sounds very familiar to how my mum was. I would firstly ask whether the staff have checked your mum for urine infection, as these can cause havoc with behaviour. I would then ask for a review of medication. My mum was often very agitated and aggressive, and regular tweaks in medication were helpful. Something like Mirtazapine, for anxiety and depression can really improve quality of life.

Ask the staff how your mum is when not being visited. Is it visits which are causing the agitated behaviour? If so, try sending cards and small gifts rather than visiting for a while and see if she settles.

This may be just a bad patch which you need to ride out. If not, I would suggest pushing for a review of med’s. It’s not the answer to everything but can really help.

I’m sorry, this is really difficult stuff. Keep posting for help and support and let us know how things are going.
Thank you so much for taking time out to reply I really appreciate your advise and kind words I will keep you posted bless you
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
I am dealing with something very similar. Dad has been in a care home since the beginning of September. It was a traumatic shift as he thought he was going for a few days. He was isolated for 14 days because of covid in the home and then mum, his key carer, got so sick that she couldn’t care for him any more. He suffered a lot at the first home but we have worked hard to find him a lovely one now. However, he is grief stricken over the loss of being at home with mum and we can’t explain to him why. He can’t remember from one day to the next. It’s like he is in a perpetual cycle of sadness and despair and it breaks my heart. We were able to visit at Christmas and he was delighted and really perked up, but when we have to leave he always gets upset and can’t understand why he can’t come. I don’t know whether it would be better to take a step back and leave him to ‘settle’ or whether that is too cruel. You have my heartfelt sympathy and you are not alone.
Thank you so much for taking time to reply to me I really appreciate it especially as you are also suffering , it breaks my heart when I leave Mom at the care home after a visit and she is asking me to get her coat and handbag because she thinks she is leaving with me , take care I will be thinking of you too
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Hello @MKW

This sounds very familiar to how my mum was. I would firstly ask whether the staff have checked your mum for urine infection, as these can cause havoc with behaviour. I would then ask for a review of medication. My mum was often very agitated and aggressive, and regular tweaks in medication were helpful. Something like Mirtazapine, for anxiety and depression can really improve quality of life.

Ask the staff how your mum is when not being visited. Is it visits which are causing the agitated behaviour? If so, try sending cards and small gifts rather than visiting for a while and see if she settles.

This may be just a bad patch which you need to ride out. If not, I would suggest pushing for a review of med’s. It’s not the answer to everything but can really help.

I’m sorry, this is really difficult stuff. Keep posting for help and support and let us know how things are going.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me so glad I found this support line and it really helps to be in contact with people who understand, bless you
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
156
0
Hello MKW! My mum has Vascular Dementia and is in a Care Home. She has been in since the beginning of Sept. Whenever I visit it breaks my heart. Mum also after my visit walks down the corridor trying to follow me and wants to come home with me. The carers have to stop her and shut the doors quickly. I hate Dementia and the situation. I am sorry for you too. All the best.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,148
0
South coast
Hi @MKW and @Roman223 . Leaving was a flash point for my mum too - it is very common - so after advice from here I never took my coat in when I visited mum (so she didnt get the visual cue that I was leaving when I picked it up), never actually said goodbye but made some excuse why I was leaving (I needed the loo or had to speak to the manager) and used some distraction at the time when I left (time it for when a meal arrives, or get a carer to talk to her)
"Oh look mum, your dinner has arrived! I must go to the loo - Ill be back soon"

It worked - I left her happy and within a few minutes she had forgotten that I was supposed to be coming back.
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Hello MKW! My mum has Vascular Dementia and is in a Care Home. She has been in since the beginning of Sept. Whenever I visit it breaks my heart. Mum also after my visit walks down the corridor trying to follow me and wants to come home with me. The carers have to stop her and shut the doors quickly. I hate Dementia and the situation. I am sorry for you too. All the best.
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Thank you for your reply I really appreciate your kind words and advice take care and all my best wishes to you
 

MKW

Registered User
Jan 5, 2022
11
0
Hi @MKW and @Roman223 . Leaving was a flash point for my mum too - it is very common - so after advice from here I never took my coat in when I visited mum (so she didnt get the visual cue that I was leaving when I picked it up), never actually said goodbye but made some excuse why I was leaving (I needed the loo or had to speak to the manager) and used some distraction at the time when I left (time it for when a meal arrives, or get a carer to talk to her)
"Oh look mum, your dinner has arrived! I must go to the loo - Ill be back soon"

It worked - I left her happy and within a few minutes she had forgotten that I was supposed to be coming back.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advice I appreciate you sharing your story with me , take care ,sending you best wishes
 

Darloony

Registered User
Dec 26, 2021
22
0
My Mother has vascular dementia and has been in a care home since being transferred from hospital nearly 12 months ago , just lately she seems more agitated is aware she is in a care home and keeps asking why she can’t come home ( when she was at home she did not recognise it as her home of 60 years ) was constantly trying to leave some times in the middle of the night saying she needed to go home she would become very hostile and violent towards my Dad who is 87 several times he would call me to go round as he did not know what to do , the rest is a long story
My Mother is now saying she wants to end her life ! On visits she is crying hysterically it’s all becoming very stressful and upsetting for us all especially my Dad , we have found out today the home is closed for 2 weeks due to staff with covid , after re opening for only a week home was closed for 2 weeks prior to Christmas due to d&v outbreak, this further closure is going to have a massive impact on moms mental health Dad as an essential visitor is allowed in however I don’t know how he will cope on his own , can someone please advise how we can help our poor tormented Mom thank you
Omg sounds so much like what we are going through. I am so tempted too bring her her home she asked me yesterday can no one look after me.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
267
0
Omg sounds so much like what we are going through. I am so tempted too bring her her home she asked me yesterday can no one look after me.
Oh, that’s so sad. It must be terrible to hear her say that 😭. Have the care home tried any medication yet?
 

Peony21

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
38
0
Diazepam small dose yesterday. But only slept 12.30 to 4.30am . Mum never sleeps.
Hi @Darloony ,
I empathise with the distress you feel due to her distress. My mum frequently says she wants to go home but is being kept prisoner etc.
Whilst what I'm going to suggest won't make it all go away, they are a couple of things that sometimes help, which is about as good as it gets with dementia.

I agree with what other people have said. And I've found the following sometimes help:
- when leaving from a visit, if she gets upset that I'm leaving, I say I've got to pop into work for a bit but will drop by again later, which of course she forgets but helps her accept my leaving
- on the phone, I remind her that due to covid, people can't travel or leave where they are, so as soon as the covid situation is over, we can look into it properly
- if nothing else works, I'll say I'm sorry she's having to be there and will make enquiries. It might take a day or two but I'll look into it for her

Hope some of that might help, but as we all know, there's no guarantee. Take care
 

Peony21

Registered User
Dec 27, 2021
38
0
Taking or sending favourite food/sweetie treats has also provided some distraction during this extended lockdown