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Mixed Feelings!!

Silver Lining

Registered User
Nov 20, 2013
224
I visit my OH every other day in a Care/Nursing Home not far from where we live. Mostly every visit I have to listen to him saying how "unhappy" he is and how his life has been taken away from him, this usually goes on for 1 out of my 3 hour visits.

I come away feeling mostly guilt ridden that yes his life as he knew it has changed very significantly but with a review for CHC next week I have been thinking about trying to cope with him at home with support.

When my visit came to an end at almost 5'oclock ( I always time it for when he goes into the Dining Room as I have had in the past great difficulty in leaving although now I can leave without a fuss) he didn't even say goodbye and went into the Dining Room, and I just left on my own..... Mixed Feelings !!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,636
Kent
If you think about it carefully, was your husband saying the same at home as he does in his care home?

Mine was. I knew he was no happier in his own home than he was in residential care.

Eventually , as the dementia progressed, he was happier .
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,891
London
Have you asked the staff how he is behaving when you are not around? It is well possible that he is fine and only plays up when you around. Think very carefully before you take him home - who says he will be happier there?
 

stefania

Registered User
Dec 13, 2011
24
My dad used to ask to go home even when he was at home. They are stages that you go through with them. I have lied so much to my dad but if it keeps him happy and safe which I couldn't do at home then I feel that is best. he has a lovely time when I'm not there as the staff have a good laugh most of the time
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
My hubby is still at home, he moans all the time now he hates being here, is going to sell everything in the house and move, this is a new phase, he wouldn't be happy anywhere.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
di, I was thinking some more last night about my post on Mabbs(?) thread about this - the wanting to go home, and how it's not always wanting to go "home" as we think of it. And I got to thinking, that even myself, at times, when I look at the way the world around me is going - especially when I read the news, and then when I get worried about keeping up with the bills on my very tiny income, about "what if's" and "maybe's", and just how stressful modern life has gone, and I start thinking how nice it was when I was a child, and had no worries - my parents took care of everything. It feels at times like it would be very comforting to go "home" to that - to go home, as a child, to my parents and have them take care of everything so I wouldn't have to worry about everything. Now if I, not having dementia, can get to thinking like that - and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone - imagine how easy it is, if you had dementia, to just forget that it's not possible to go "home" to all that? I think that home, for many, is not a place, but a feeling of safety & security that with dementia, when you are losing your grasp of so much, would indeed be something you would desperately want.
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Made me cry LadyA - today not a good one - woke up not exactly depressed but feeling low and thought how much I would like to "go home" to be with all my family who have gone on before me - and feel peaceful and free from constant nagging anxiety about now and the future - financial and otherwise.. So "going home" seems to be about getting away from the confusion, sadness, and anxiety of the present. I suspected when visiting my husband in the NH that his "lets go" was probably just wanting to be free from the muddle and confusion in his poor head and that I represented his security even if he did not recognise me as his wife. What a tragedy dementia is. WIFE
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
sorry to hear you are having a not so good day today, I think both of your comments are right, even if our OH aren't sure who we are, they recognise us as being their safe haven. Its sort of nice to know they still feel safe with us.

Big hugs all round xxx (sandra)
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
Sorry, Silverlining- got you confused with di65;1101067.
Sorry you're feeling low today Wife. One of those days? Hope it passes.
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
It has passed - long walk with dog - unexpected telephone call from a long time friend and two baby robins trying to bathe in my pond on top of the water weed and drown at the same time. Their antics made me laugh and we all know that is the very best medicine. Back on the straight and level for the time being but still pondering the whys and wherefores of this "wanting to go home" so many experience with their loved ones who are in care.
 

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