Missing my mum

Promogirl

New member
Dec 7, 2019
3
i am struggling so much losing my beloved mum to pneumonia. She passed away over three weeks ago and I always thought I’d be prepared for the day but while I got through the funeral I am now distraught without her. She lived at home and I took care of her. I know I was lucky to have her so long and I try and think of the positives but I lost my father just over a year ago and they were devoted to one another. I never thought I’d lose her so soon. It feels like too much to cope with but I’m comforted they are now together. I feel so different and I’m trying hard to ‘pull myself together “.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
79
It's early days, rest and recover you will feel better able to cope, but not yet. Grief does not follow a timetable so be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Take care of yourself
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,645
Merseyside
I’m so sorry to read your news @Promogirl. I found it very difficult to get my head around the fact I was an orphan. My thoughts are with you.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,790
Nottinghamshire
It is very early days for you @Promogirl. My dad passed away almost a year ago and my mum 10 years ago but I, like @Cat27, am finding it hard to come to terms with being an orphan. Oddly enough I was having this conversation yesterday with a friend who lost both of her parents years before I lost mine. I think it’s especially hard at this time of year while the “happy family” vibe is everywhere..
 

Brendan2000

Registered User
Sep 22, 2019
11
@Promogirl Sorry to hear about your mum and you dad. Sometimes pulling yourself together doesn't work. Just go with the grieving process. You have had two major losses. Give yourself space to grieve. Its ok to "fall apart" or even breakdown for a while. Its part of the healing process. Cry as much as you need to. You need good friends who you can talk to while you go through this.. Don't bottle it up. Talk talk talk talk if you can.It will get better through time. Although right now it may not feel that way.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,022
I'm so sorry for your loss, you are still mourning for your father, added to that is the fresh grief for mum. Staying busy organising the funeral keeps sad thoughts at bay and then when the final act that you can do for your loved one is over, it's natural that you are overwhelmed with sorrow and emptiness.

These are early days for you in the grieving process and your emotions will be all over the place. Let your friends and family support you, share your hurt on this forum, we can help too, most of all, be kind to yourself, it will bring peace and acceptance in time.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,450
Dundee
I’m sorry for your loss @Promogirl. Grieving is a slow process and you’ll experience ups and downs along the way. Wishing you strength for the days and weeks to come.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,246
East Midlands
@Promogirl yep it was also hard for me to get round to the fact that I’m now an orphan. My dad died over 20 yrs ago but my mum died at the end of March this year. Life has been very fraught this year with dealing with the aftermath & I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% at all with what has happened & with Xmas around the corner, it does feel weird to be without her.... I don’t have that many close relatives either, well those that are interested anyway!

Care about you, do things you want to do & don’t push yourself too hard. Talk to people on here! Xx
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
107
I can identify with you totally. I lived at home with mum, and altho' for over a month before she passed, she had been mainly in hospital or upstairs in bed, I do still miss her. She used to sing, something she never did before she developed dementia. I would hear snippets of By yon bonnie banks, The northern lights of old Aberdeen, Come back Paddy Reilly, as well as My bonnie lies over the ocean. When she was here it used to drive me mad at times, the constant repetition of one or two lines of a song, but now the house seems dead somehow. Incidentally, in the last months, she used to sing sometimes " I dreamt that I was dead" rather than " I dreamt that my bonnie was dead".
Latterly, she would sit, eyes closed, either silent or singing to herself, occasionally making sensible remarks but as often making random comments.
I used to love it when she was settledin bed, sometimes she would be singing to herself in bed. I take consolation in remembering that she was mainly happy, and that I managed to look after her even with her advanced dementia. Most of the time I am ok, but it doesnt take much to start me off ( It is recent,only Nov 30th, so I know it will take time).
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,509
I’m so sorry for your loss my lovely. I’m adopted & my biological Mum passed away last year- we’d been in contact for 20 years. I still grieve & miss her, yet the dementia journey that Mum & Dad are on means grieving those losses daily. As a carer for a PWD for so long you are an amazingly strong resilient person.
You need to grieve, & give yourself time to do so.
I felt & still do that grief is like shaking a snow globe & all the pieces of life flutter about & settle down in a different order; only for it to happen again.
At this time of year we are bombarded with family images on media - all happy & jolly!

it can make anyone feel isolated & sad, add to that grief & it’s a double whammy. but my lovely you aren’t alone, your TP family are here with you to hold your hand & support you through this sad time. A lot of tears will be shed but I promise you that it will get easier, I can now talk about my Tummy mummy who I loved dearly & smile. Laugh at memories, but I still cry & miss her.

With dementia we daily lose little bits of our loved ones. It’s a traumatic journey, let yourself have time out to grieve all you have lost.
I cannot imagine how you feel with losing your Mum & last year your Dad, but hope that knowing you are in my thoughts brings you a little comfort.
((((((((Big hugs))))))))))))
Lots of love
Xxx
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,022
I can identify with you totally. I lived at home with mum, and altho' for over a month before she passed, she had been mainly in hospital or upstairs in bed, I do still miss her. She used to sing, something she never did before she developed dementia. I would hear snippets of By yon bonnie banks, The northern lights of old Aberdeen, Come back Paddy Reilly, as well as My bonnie lies over the ocean. When she was here it used to drive me mad at times, the constant repetition of one or two lines of a song, but now the house seems dead somehow. Incidentally, in the last months, she used to sing sometimes " I dreamt that I was dead" rather than " I dreamt that my bonnie was dead".
Latterly, she would sit, eyes closed, either silent or singing to herself, occasionally making sensible remarks but as often making random comments.
I used to love it when she was settledin bed, sometimes she would be singing to herself in bed. I take consolation in remembering that she was mainly happy, and that I managed to look after her even with her advanced dementia. Most of the time I am ok, but it doesnt take much to start me off ( It is recent,only Nov 30th, so I know it will take time).
I'm very sorry to read of the recent passing of your mum @CWR, you must be feeling emotionally raw.
My mum lives with us and, like you, I love to see her tucked up in bed, she sleeps like a child and has the vulnerability of a child.
I hope you can find some peace and acceptance in remembering your mum x
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,537
Yorkshire
I am sorry to hear about your recent loss.
May your Mum rest in peace, @Promogirl - at last your beloved parents are together again.

I so agree with the advice given above - don't try to 'pull yourself together'.

You were a kind & loving daughter and now you are an orphan - no wonder you feel so sad.

Be kind to yourself - try to rest and eat well - talk to friends, and walk outside when weather permits.

It will get better, but slowly. Everyone on this lovely forum is here for you. xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
483
Hi @Promogirl, the loss of a loved one through the dementia journey is very difficult, please accept my condolences on your Mum's passing. I experienced similar feelings when my Mum passed away last year, you need time to grief and that is different for everyone. Can I perhaps suggest bereavement counselling? I found that it helped me and I would never have anticipated that would be something I would access. Perhaps make and appointment with your GP and tell her/him how you are feeling and they may be able to arrange it for you via the Surgery. All the best.
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
62
I can identify with you totally. I lived at home with mum, and altho' for over a month before she passed, she had been mainly in hospital or upstairs in bed, I do still miss her. She used to sing, something she never did before she developed dementia. I would hear snippets of By yon bonnie banks, The northern lights of old Aberdeen, Come back Paddy Reilly, as well as My bonnie lies over the ocean. When she was here it used to drive me mad at times, the constant repetition of one or two lines of a song, but now the house seems dead somehow. Incidentally, in the last months, she used to sing sometimes " I dreamt that I was dead" rather than " I dreamt that my bonnie was dead".
Latterly, she would sit, eyes closed, either silent or singing to herself, occasionally making sensible remarks but as often making random comments.
I used to love it when she was settledin bed, sometimes she would be singing to herself in bed. I take consolation in remembering that she was mainly happy, and that I managed to look after her even with her advanced dementia. Most of the time I am ok, but it doesnt take much to start me off ( It is recent,only Nov 30th, so I know it will take time).
@CWR I am sorry for your recent loss, I wanted to tell you that you made me smile, and then cry with your post. My Mum has been singing, now humming for the last year, sometimes for days straight, around the clock. While sitting, while eating, while going to sleep. Galway Bay- she is Irish born, Oh my Darlin Clementine and a hymn we think is Alleluia to the Saints. Snippets then mash ups then odd words, often sounded like 'someone is dead' or who's dead?' until a week ago when she fell silent. I used to wish she would just sing something different or nothing at all, but the silence is deafening. For the last few days she has been exactly as you described, eyes closed, some sensible remarks, random comments and a lot of gibberish. I believe she is approaching 'End of Life' and when that day comes I will try to heed your words and take consolation in remembering that she has been mainly happy, and I have done everything I can to try and provide for her care and comfort. Thank you for that

@Promogirl I am sorry for your loss, please don't get caught up in trying to pull yourself together, give yourself permission to grieve for as long as it takes. In my experience there WILL come a day when the grief eases, even though it never leaves you completely. I wish you strength to get through the days until then.
 
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Snooziefloozie

Registered User
May 1, 2017
1
Hi all. First post here. I lost my mom on 19 November after caring for her at home for over eight years and the sense of loss is profound. Her funeral was yesterday and went so well, but I would give anything to still be caring for her. We hadn't had any singing or chatting for over 12 months but she would hum to communicate, or you could tell things by her eyes. It was so sad to see her deteriorate. I am hopefully doing all the things I should, crying when sad, getting out for a walk with the dog and keeping busy. No-one can prepare you for losing someone you have cared for, and even though I lost my dad 12 years ago, the fact that I did everything for my mom has made it all the harder. Time heals and I am looking forward to the spring again, and being able to come and go as I please and visit places with my husband, a thing we have been unable to do for do long. Take care everyone and good wishes for Christmas.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,022
Condolences for the loss of your mum, she is at peace now and knowing that she isn't suffering any longer will bring comfort to you.
xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
483
Hi @Snooziefloozie, my condolences on your Mum's passing. I'm sure the sense of loss is profound after everything you have done for your Mum. Stay strong and take care of yourself. All the best.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,537
Yorkshire
Hi all. First post here. I lost my mom on 19 November after caring for her at home for over eight years and the sense of loss is profound. Her funeral was yesterday and went so well, but I would give anything to still be caring for her. We hadn't had any singing or chatting for over 12 months but she would hum to communicate, or you could tell things by her eyes. It was so sad to see her deteriorate. I am hopefully doing all the things I should, crying when sad, getting out for a walk with the dog and keeping busy. No-one can prepare you for losing someone you have cared for, and even though I lost my dad 12 years ago, the fact that I did everything for my mom has made it all the harder. Time heals and I am looking forward to the spring again, and being able to come and go as I please and visit places with my husband, a thing we have been unable to do for do long. Take care everyone and good wishes for Christmas.
So sorry to hear of your loss. Wishing you peace & solace at Christmas. xx
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,790
Nottinghamshire
My condolences @Snooziefloozie

I found it especially hard to lose people at this time of year so I hope you can have a peaceful Christmas. I’ll be lighting candles this year on Christmas Eve to commemorate all those who are no longer with us.