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Missing my little shadow ...

pixie2

Registered User
Jul 21, 2018
88
Please don’t forget that it’s the disease that makes someone lose appetite and hunger not their own choice. It reminds me of anorexia, which I suppose it is because the brain is telling the person they are full and they just can’t get the food down. It’s still very painful for us though. I hope you can remember the good things about your mum now. I am starting to think of good times together although it’s also sad. There is no easy path after bereavement but carry on and hope it gets easier. Take care Sue x
I guess you are right i know, its very hard, Thankyou x
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
205
The house is so bloody quiet .....
I always wondered why my partner always seemed to play cds. Now I know why. Mum used to sing snatches of songs, which used to drive me mad, but oh what wouldnt I give to hear her singing away to herself contentedly, like she used to.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
For the last week I have seen sorting through my mums papers. Just a little bit each day . I knew mum liked to keep letters etc " because you never know if you might need them" But pension slips from 15 years back , receipts for the kitchen put in 33 years ago ...really! Lol. Seeing her handwriting on bills with the amount circled and the note "cut back on phone calls" makes me both smile and sad ! The best one was the deposit receipt for our family home ...... £75 !!
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
205
it's amazing the things you find. I found the bill for the taxi to church for mum's wedding in 1950, and also the bill for the funeral of my brother, who only lived 3 days. Also a copy of a printed letter about a presentation for Canon Flannery, who had instructed mum prior to her confirmation with mum's name along with other girls who wanted to contribute.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
Today I'm thinking about my brother. When I was looking after mum he would come round to see us, he would talk to me but only at mum ! He would get moody if she asked the same question or came out with something silly. Just go with the flow I would say to him, answer her questions and let mum join in the conversation. But he couldn't, the sad thing is she knew this, when he left mum would look at me and smile, 'he doesn't like me being poorly does he ?' she'd say. Now there is just my brother and I , and I'm sitting here feeling let down, he'll pop in now and spend time chatting when he never used too !
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
205
Thats a bit of a sore point for me. I think I wasn't able to fully accept that mum had dementia. I tried giving her supplements, bilberry powder lemon balm etc but every time she said something that showed her dementia, I would almost take it personally. I am not a naturally laid-back person at all, and I used to get upset when this happened.Mum would pick up on this: " Do you not like me?" She once said " I love you but you hurt me". I know she did show she still loved and, presumably, forgave me, but, particularly in lockdown I have been brooding about this. I need to stop brooding I know.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
Hi CWR, even from your post it shows how much you cared and tried. My brother didn't want to try, sometimes he seems more like the ' Invisables' that some of the other members write about. He would tell me what he had read and what I should do and not do with mum, yet spend very little time with her himself. I used to even get upset when mum wouldn't eat properly and take it personally, she would say ' you're fed up with me aren't you ? ' I'd say ' no ... but you are a pain' then give her a hug. so yes ....... less brooding.
 

Julia.Rollo

Registered User
Jul 15, 2020
15
Thinking of YOU Pepp3r. It is very sad and my heart goes out to you. It looks like yiu made everything possible for your Mum. Do not beat yourself up. She will be looking down on you and will be immensely proud.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
Thank you for your kind words Julia.Rollo.

I had a good day today, did some shopping early and then odd jobs in the garden keeping myself busy, the flowers look lovely and the weeds are growing just as well !! I was ok till I sat down to relax and realised there's no one here any more to share this with ! I know this is all part of grieving but the intensity of my world revolving around my mum and then now nothing is tough to deal with x
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
I spend ages typing a message, delete it, try again and delete. I just don't know what to say! I read the other posts and find comfort in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and feelings. The 2nd lockdown has me back working from home with no outlet , I keep catching the Christmas adverts on TV and thinking I can't do Christmas this year. I wish my post wasn't so down but if I tell you guys how I'm feeling and have a few tears then I can re-set ! X
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,220
Bristol
Sorry you were so down yesterday, @Pepp3r. So good to get some of your feelings out and I would agree with Sarasa's recommendation of speaking to the Dementia Connect team or to the Samaritans. Just expressing feelings and problems to both of those has helped me at various points.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,253
69
Dundee
I’m sorry that you’re so down too @Pepp3r Mind you - it’s no wonder. This is a tough time for you and with the pandemic issues added it must be even tougher.

if I tell you guys how I'm feeling and have a few tears then I can re-set !
I’m glad you have shared here. You know there will always be someone here to listen and wish you well with your re-set. Keep posting!
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
881
Everyone needs a bit of a cry now and then @Pepp3r . This time of year is particularly hard. We'll all be here when you need us.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,815
Yorkshire
Hi, @Pepp3r - I have just come back to this forum and read your thread. I am so sorry that you are sad and bereft, but it sounds as if you loved and cared for your mother the best you could.

Regarding your Mum's eating: my Mum (who died three years ago) lived independently near me for 20 years but came round for meals several times a week. Sometimes she'd eat well, but often she'd turn her nose up at things I'd made, even when before they were things she liked. Her dementia got a lot worse after she was hospitalised with cellulitis and she spent the last year of her life at a Care Home, where her eating habits also fluctuated, despite the devoted staff and the fact that Mum was happier there than she'd been for a long time.

Not eating seems to be part of the disease - you did everything you could.

A pre-Christmas lockdown must be very tough for you. Thinking of you, and hoping you'll feel a bit better soon. Keep coming on here and tell us how you're getting on. xx
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
60
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I've gone back to taking just one day at a time, and seeing how I get on .