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Missing my little shadow ...

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
Morning, my mum had undiagnosed dementia, she knew she was having trouble with her memory and knew this was causing her anxiety. To everyone else she used to say she was just getting old. I lived with my mum and we did everything together, she didn't like the quiet so would ask questions constantly and she didn't like staying in so would come with me when I went out. Mum passed away about 4 weeks age after having a fall in the garden, aged 83 the operation to mend her hip was too much for her, I had no idea how frail she had become. I'm working through the stages of guilt and wishing I had done more to help her- you can't make someone eat foods that are good for them and I couldn't make her seek help . Lockdown has left me alone with my thoughts, so I'm grateful to be able to post on here. God Bless everyone else going through these hard times !
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,104
69
Dundee
Hello @Pepp3r and welcome to the forum.

I’m so sorry to read about your loss. I know it’s so easy for me to say but please do try not to feel guilty - you’ve nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your very best for your mum.

It must be so much harder to lose someone during these times of lockdown. I’m glad you’ve decided to share here. There will always be someone here to listen and support you.

Wishing you strength.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,538
Nottinghamshire
Hello @Pepp3r

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think wondering if something could have been done better is a feeling we all have but almost 18 months after my dad's death I realise that nothing was ever going to defeat dementia. The end of my dad's life came quickly too but it must be worse for you these days.

Feel free to share your feelings here, someone will always understand.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
299
I'm sorry to hear that @Pepp3r . It sounds as though you kept your mum very happy and, in the end, that's all that really matters. You should be very proud of that. Be kind to yourself.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
Thank you for reading and replying . My mum had always been strong willed and a bit stubborn, and the dementia seemed to enhance it - if mum thought she had eaten when in fact she hadn't , you couldn't get her to eat for love or money! She would tell you she 'd been out for a walk ( when I was at work ) when she hadn't . Dementia gave her a tough outside and a very frail inside .
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,106
Essex
Dear Pepp3r,

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and like Izzy says you mustn't feel guilty because you did your best for your mum. You are in the same situation as me in that I lived with dad and cared for him until I had to put him in a home. Before he went into the home we were going out to lunch practically every day and he was like my little shadow. When he went into the home I
was still able to take him out and I took him out to dinner up until two weeks before he passed away last June.

Love

MaNaAk
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
Thank you MaNaAk for you kind words, sorry to hear about your dad and your similar story, it's a tough world !
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,106
Essex
Thank you MaNaAk for you kind words, sorry to hear about your dad and your similar story, it's a tough world !
Thankyou @Pepp3r. It was as if dad had become my son. Did you feel this way about your mum?

MaNaAk

PS: We did for them what they did for us when we were children.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
Hi MaNaAk, yes i did. I made the decisions and had the responsibility. If I was happy and upbeat then mum would be too, she knew I would make everything ok and look after her, just like a parent, that is why I feel so guilty about her falling. The covid restrictions stopped me being able to reassure her.
 

Louby65

Registered User
Mar 26, 2014
620
Scotland
Hello pepp3r, first of all please let me send you my heartfelt condolences to you at this very sad time.
Reading your post seems like I had wrote it . I also lost my mum 6 weeks ago . I had looked after her since my dad died 27 years ago . She had a stroke and was diagnosed with vascular dementia many years ago . I stayed with her and we went everywhere together , like you and your mum . I worked full time but employed a carer to look after her when I was working but spent most of my free time going for drives etc - she loved a cup of cappuccino and cake . She attended a day centre , which she loved but due to lockdown was unable to attend but we made the most of it . I ended up in hospital about 8 weeks ago with covid but thankfully I didn’t pass it onto her . Her carer moved in to care for her while I was in hospital and when I got home she took a stroke and died very peacefully in my arms 4 nights later . I’m so glad I got home to look after her . Like you , I am missing her so much . My heart is literally breaking . She was the greatest person , so kind and her smile was something that everyone mentioned . I miss her smile . She was such a happy , strong person who never gave up . She didn’t want to leave me , i could see it . She kept reaching out for me , kissing my hand while I slept beside her as I didn’t want her to be alone . It seems like we have lost 2 great women , who meant everything to us . We will never forget them . I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength to cope with the loss of your mum . Best wishes and look after yourself . Lou
 

Nomorepets

Registered User
May 26, 2020
10
pepp3r andLouby65 It sounds like you both had wonderful relationships with your parents and I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to loose a loved one but making a memory box might help or planting an area in your garden with their favourite flowers (or veg). I had trees planted for my late father (loved trees) and my husband. It won't fill the gap in your heart but might help. Take care.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,687
80
East of England
@Pepp3r it is your comment about not eating that caught my attention. I too think about what I could and should have done to care better for my husband who died on February 13th. Then I think of how he just couldn’t eat more than a few mouthfuls before he had had enough and felt full. We, myself, carers, the dietician and the doctor, tried everything and in the end he advised me to let him only have what he wanted. However to watch someone you love literally starving themselves to death is such a terrible thing. He was contented and peaceful most of the time and only needed relief in the last few days so I try to remember that and that it’s the nature of the disease that does this and not the person’s fault. I feel sure that you everything you could because I now think that maybe I did too. My best wishes to you during this time of mourning xx
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
Hello pepp3r, first of all please let me send you my heartfelt condolences to you at this very sad time.
Reading your post seems like I had wrote it . I also lost my mum 6 weeks ago . I had looked after her since my dad died 27 years ago . She had a stroke and was diagnosed with vascular dementia many years ago . I stayed with her and we went everywhere together , like you and your mum . I worked full time but employed a carer to look after her when I was working but spent most of my free time going for drives etc - she loved a cup of cappuccino and cake . She attended a day centre , which she loved but due to lockdown was unable to attend but we made the most of it . I ended up in hospital about 8 weeks ago with covid but thankfully I didn’t pass it onto her . Her carer moved in to care for her while I was in hospital and when I got home she took a stroke and died very peacefully in my arms 4 nights later . I’m so glad I got home to look after her . Like you , I am missing her so much . My heart is literally breaking . She was the greatest person , so kind and her smile was something that everyone mentioned . I miss her smile . She was such a happy , strong person who never gave up . She didn’t want to leave me , i could see it . She kept reaching out for me , kissing my hand while I slept beside her as I didn’t want her to be alone . It seems like we have lost 2 great women , who meant everything to us . We will never forget them . I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength to cope with the loss of your mum . Best wishes and look after yourself . Lou
Hi Louby65, I had a cry the first time I read your post because yes they are all too similar, the sad feelings all came flooding back. But then I read your post again this afternoon with a small smile. Both our stories show love and determination from all involved. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I'm glad you were able to be with her, there is some comfort in that. Thank you for your kind words too, I never thought I would miss the 101 questions that used to accompany every TV program, but I do ! here's wishing us both strength at this tough time. take care.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
@Pepp3r it is your comment about not eating that caught my attention. I too think about what I could and should have done to care better for my husband who died on February 13th. Then I think of how he just couldn’t eat more than a few mouthfuls before he had had enough and felt full. We, myself, carers, the dietician and the doctor, tried everything and in the end he advised me to let him only have what he wanted. However to watch someone you love literally starving themselves to death is such a terrible thing. He was contented and peaceful most of the time and only needed relief in the last few days so I try to remember that and that it’s the nature of the disease that does this and not the person’s fault. I feel sure that you everything you could because I now think that maybe I did too. My best wishes to you during this time of mourning xx
Hello Grahamstown, thank you for replying. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. A couple of people told me my mum looked frail when we were out and about and I would go home and cook her a plateful of food ... she would eat the potato or chips ( her favourite ) and leave any protein or veg. If I said anything mum would start to get upset and ask why I kept moaning at her ! its going to take time to get my head around it all. I'm sure you did everything you could ......that's what we do for people we care about.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
462
So sorry for your loss - easy for me to say but please be kind to yourself, try and remember the happy times you had together. Take care and sending hugs x
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
20
thank you Jale, your words are much appreciated. I've been reading some of the other stories on this forum and all the kind and supportive messages people post. It does help - knowing others understand, and yes it gets you through another day !
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
175
Thankyou @Pepp3r. It was as if dad had become my son. Did you feel this way about your mum?

MaNaAk

PS: We did for them what they did for us when we were children.
I felt that way about mum; what made it feel even more like that was that she was a simple, uncomplicated person, childlike in many ways. She always spoke, up to the end about her childhood and her aunt, whom she loved. I sensed that she had been a great blessing to her aunt, who was housebound. She would sing bits of songs all day long, and I even heard her singing away to herself at night. I take consolation that she was happy most of the time. Even when she wasnt, and she would say that she had no time for me, it was the way a toddler will say I hate you! I knew underneath that that she loved me.
 

pixie2

Registered User
Jul 21, 2018
88
@Pepp3r it is your comment about not eating that caught my attention. I too think about what I could and should have done to care better for my husband who died on February 13th. Then I think of how he just couldn’t eat more than a few mouthfuls before he had had enough and felt full. We, myself, carers, the dietician and the doctor, tried everything and in the end he advised me to let him only have what he wanted. However to watch someone you love literally starving themselves to death is such a terrible thing. He was contented and peaceful most of the time and only needed relief in the last few days so I try to remember that and that it’s the nature of the disease that does this and not the person’s fault. I feel sure that you everything you could because I now think that maybe I did too. My best wishes to you during this time of mourning xx
Im the same. I think if only id been with mam in the care home she would have eaten for me. She lived for me and like you same situation
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,687
80
East of England
Im the same. I think if only id been with mam in the care home she would have eaten for me. She lived for me and like you same situation
Please don’t forget that it’s the disease that makes someone lose appetite and hunger not their own choice. It reminds me of anorexia, which I suppose it is because the brain is telling the person they are full and they just can’t get the food down. It’s still very painful for us though. I hope you can remember the good things about your mum now. I am starting to think of good times together although it’s also sad. There is no easy path after bereavement but carry on and hope it gets easier. Take care Sue x
 

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