Hi kitcat
Know what you are going through. My Mum went into permanent care two months ago, it's hard visiting, she seems to have 'slipped' another notch on the ladder, but as Jenniferpa said
a major part of this is simply that the home environment is more familiar, while the nursing home is not. In effect the familiarity masks the deficeits.
I do believe that being in the nursing home has pointed up the true length we have travelled down this awful road, and we simply did not see this at home to the same extent, too busy running around caring 24/7.
Mum has lost the ability to walk, sometimes (quite a lot) needs to be fed, is not always continent, all things that had started to be apparent in a minor way at home, but the one to one care at home tends to be pro-active (ie you forsee the problem, anticipate it and provide a solution immediately, which is why you're always tired out by caring
) rather than a mix of proactive and reactive as in the nursing home in a very even and measured way by professionals. The other aspect I found difficult was realising my Mum was no different to any other resident. Taking her condition in isolation at home was easier than being faced with a whole host of people who she was different to but the same as, if you know what I mean. This has become easier as we have got to know the other residents as the individuals that they are.
Try not to feel guilty kitcat ( I know,I know, easier said than done
) you are doing your best for your Dad. I'm sure somewhere in there he knows you visit, just as I'm sure my Mum does, although we very rarely get anymore recognition than a certain look in her eyes, which is heart-breaking, or occasionally she uses Dad's or my name (although the sentences are gibberish) and then it's a red letter day.
I seem to remember from another post Bruce using a phrase, 'we adjust our expectations'. I'm busy doing just that, and trying to take the tiny positives from the situation, day by day. Hope you can too. Sending you 'virtual' hugs,take care.