1. kitcat

    kitcat Registered User

    Jan 17, 2007
    My Dad has had to go into a nursing home permanently & it has been very hard.

    Mum has been in & out of Hospital her self over the last 2 years so Dad has got worse, becouse we had to keep putting him in a nursing home on short stays, now he is like a small child & he do's not seem to recognise us. We find it hard to visit him as we come away more upset, & he keeps on smiling.

    We seem to be permanently feeling gilty.

    A very sad kitcat.
  2. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    Hi Kitcat

    Iam so sorry you have had to put your dad in a home, my dad looked after my mum till the end but every month she would go in to a home for respite it use to brake our heart as a family haveing to walk away. Iam not sure what to say on this matter but iam sure there are people on here who have gone through the same thing. take care

  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Kitcat

    Visiting is very hard, especially when you are upset each time you leave. But however poorly your dad is, for whatever reason, he keeps on smiling.

    Many people post on TP telling how their family members have to be left in tears or in anger. I`m sure it`s better to leave your dad smiling than crying.

    You cannot be sure whether or not he knows you are visiting. He might be really pleased to see you but unable to express it.

    You keep visiting him, show him you`re there and stop feeling guilty.

    It is not your fault he is ill and you are doing all you can.

    Take care.
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm afraid guilt is an ever present companion. However, I don't think you can assume that the short stays in the nursing home is cause of his worsening condition. I think when people move to a nursing home, whether temporarily or permanently, they can appear to take a sudden downturn, but I do feel that a major part of this is simply that the home envioronment is more familiar, while the nursing home is not. In effect the familiarity masks the deficeits. You may well have seen a similar effect if, for example, you had moved him to live with you: it's not the nursing home but the change of environment that makes the problems apparent.

    Try to take comfort from the fact that he's smiling, even if you are not.

    Best wishes

  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I am not sure how I would feel , when my mother go in to home , So I would go with what Nada said .

    about guilt
    and hope that my mother would
    as I left

    sending you my love

    Thanks for sharing xxx
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    I'm sorry you're feeling so upset about your dad. It's so hard, when someone you love has to go into care.

    But your mum has been ill, and in fairness to her she needs time to recover. It's better for your dad to have stability, rather than being regularly disturbed. He sounds quite happy, so I don't think you should feel guilty. You have done the best thing for all concerned.

    Of course you miss him, and always will. But he is in the best place, so try to get rid of the guilt and start to enjoy your visits with him. You and your mum can now relax with him, and let others do the hard work. Your childen will soon accept the situation if they see that everyone is happy.

    Good luck,
  7. Gromit

    Gromit Registered User

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi K,

    So sorry to hear how hard this is for you right now. I don't have any experience of this as we are still in early stages with Dad. I just wanted to echo the sentiment of others and to assure you that you have no reason to be feeling guilty.

    Our emotions can often twist our ability to rationalise and look at things from different perspectives. You are doing all the right things, your Dad is in the right place and recieving the care he needs, your Mum also will be getting the care and attention she needs to recover. What about you? You can't carry the "guilt monster" on your own, and not only that you need to shrink it. It is normal to feel guilt, and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to see your Dad in such a different environment. Changing how you feel about this is no easy task, and you wouldn't be you if you didn't feel this way. I am sure others on TP with experience of this will help you.

    Someone else posted about learning to enjoy the visits that you have. I am sure this will help you a great deal.

    Take good care of yourself - and do stay in touch. TP is a great place to talk and that certainly does help.

  8. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Hi kitcat

    Know what you are going through. My Mum went into permanent care two months ago, it's hard visiting, she seems to have 'slipped' another notch on the ladder, but as Jenniferpa said

    I do believe that being in the nursing home has pointed up the true length we have travelled down this awful road, and we simply did not see this at home to the same extent, too busy running around caring 24/7.:( Mum has lost the ability to walk, sometimes (quite a lot) needs to be fed, is not always continent, all things that had started to be apparent in a minor way at home, but the one to one care at home tends to be pro-active (ie you forsee the problem, anticipate it and provide a solution immediately, which is why you're always tired out by caring:( ) rather than a mix of proactive and reactive as in the nursing home in a very even and measured way by professionals. The other aspect I found difficult was realising my Mum was no different to any other resident. Taking her condition in isolation at home was easier than being faced with a whole host of people who she was different to but the same as, if you know what I mean. This has become easier as we have got to know the other residents as the individuals that they are.
    Try not to feel guilty kitcat ( I know,I know, easier said than done:rolleyes: ) you are doing your best for your Dad. I'm sure somewhere in there he knows you visit, just as I'm sure my Mum does, although we very rarely get anymore recognition than a certain look in her eyes, which is heart-breaking, or occasionally she uses Dad's or my name (although the sentences are gibberish) and then it's a red letter day.
    I seem to remember from another post Bruce using a phrase, 'we adjust our expectations'. I'm busy doing just that, and trying to take the tiny positives from the situation, day by day. Hope you can too. Sending you 'virtual' hugs,take care.
  9. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hello kitcat.
    My mum went into permanent care a week and a half ago, like your mum, my dad is very poorly also in and out of hospital. Mum has settled reasonably well but asks me each day to take her home, I don't feel guilt as such as I realise it had to be, I do feel a overwhelming saddness mum stands and waves goodbye with a smile and says :Take me home to-morrrow wont you, and to-morrow she may or may not be packed up again, waiting and expecting it to be her lucky day, it's all so very very sad.Sorry that you are also going through hard times. Take Care Taffy.:(

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