Missing dad

KatieRich

Registered User
Jan 3, 2017
63
0
50
Derby
Hi all. Four weeks tomorrow since dad passed away and two weeks since the funeral. I feel very odd. I was with him when he passed and managed to get through a reading for him at the funeral. I thought the funeral might be closure if you know what I mean and by now it would feel like he has gone but I don't. Is this normal? I was extremely close to my dad and we had a great friendship. Hubby says it will take months or more to accept the loss. Just wondering if others feel the same.
I didn't end up having some ashes made into jewellery, didn't feel the need. Hubby bought me a beautiful necklace which I love x
 

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Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
Your locket is beautiful, Katie. When I lost my dad, the raw pain passed but for weeks, months, even years (!) I would get thoughts popping into my head like, 'Dad will see a real difference in this when he comes back', when roads changed and things. And I remember when I felt we were being really brave, thinking 'won't dad be pleased with us, when he comes back'. I think the thing is, our minds are going somewhere they have never been before. Usually, in a new situation, we use past experiences to 'deal with it'. But, in this case, you have never had such a monumental change in your life before and your mind, and therefore 'you' doesn't know how to process the information.
There is always a part of us that wants to hold onto the pain, because we are afraid that the pain IS the grief, and if we lose that, we lose another part of the person. But it honestly isn't the case. Just now you will feel as if you are in the dark, your whole world has been shaken. I promise you, there will come a time when you can remember your lovely dad with a smile. These early days, weeks, months are hard. Grieving is hard work, and very tiring. Be kind to yourself, rest...and then grit your teeth and you will get through this hard bit...and it will get easier, in time.
And if you think, after a while, that you have 'slipped back', don't panic. This won't be a nice smooth 'improving curve'. It's a spiky recovery! Two or three steps forward and then one back. But the overall direction is onward and upward.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
It's no time at all since your dad went, katie. It takes such a long time for things to sink, and for our hearts and minds to adjust. After my husband died, I seemed to be able to put off thinking about it for months. Not all the time, obviously. It would hit now and then. But day to day, I was able to go about, sort of pretending that he was still in the nursing home, and I would be going to visit him soon. Just not now. It was like giving myself a sort of buffer zone from the sharpest point of grief.

Just give yourself time. Grief won't be hurried. It will take it's own time. And your necklace is beautiful.
 

KatieRich

Registered User
Jan 3, 2017
63
0
50
Derby
Hi KatieRich,
So very sorry to hear about your Dad. You may still be in that state of numbness that comes along surrounding the time of death, particularly as you were there at the time. It is still very early days and only you and your own heart, mind and body will best be able to tell you when you have accepted his death or even how to grieve. It is different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way for anyone. Only each person's own individual way of dealing with death and grief. I can say this because my Dad died of cancer when I was 23 years old and I too, was there at the time. I couldn't even cry for over a month (mainly because my Mum collapsed at the same time and I was being strong for her and looking after my younger sister). I would say it took me a good two years to even get over the raw stage, but that was me, and for you it may be different. Your husband is giving you wonderful advice and what a beautiful locket and photos. He sounds like someone special to be with and I am sure, will support you at this time.
Thank you Carmar. I appreciate your words and support. It helps me immensely to read this and to have a better understanding of the feelings I am going through. It's not that I havnt experienced grief before , it just feels so very different because it's my dad. You sound like you have also been through a terrible time. I hope you are doing well now and again thank you so much x
 

KatieRich

Registered User
Jan 3, 2017
63
0
50
Derby
Your locket is beautiful, Katie. When I lost my dad, the raw pain passed but for weeks, months, even years (!) I would get thoughts popping into my head like, 'Dad will see a real difference in this when he comes back', when roads changed and things. And I remember when I felt we were being really brave, thinking 'won't dad be pleased with us, when he comes back'. I think the thing is, our minds are going somewhere they have never been before. Usually, in a new situation, we use past experiences to 'deal with it'. But, in this case, you have never had such a monumental change in your life before and your mind, and therefore 'you' doesn't know how to process the information.
There is always a part of us that wants to hold onto the pain, because we are afraid that the pain IS the grief, and if we lose that, we lose another part of the person. But it honestly isn't the case. Just now you will feel as if you are in the dark, your whole world has been shaken. I promise you, there will come a time when you can remember your lovely dad with a smile. These early days, weeks, months are hard. Grieving is hard work, and very tiring. Be kind to yourself, rest...and then grit your teeth and you will get through this hard bit...and it will get easier, in time.
And if you think, after a while, that you have 'slipped back', don't panic. This won't be a nice smooth 'improving curve'. It's a spiky recovery! Two or three steps forward and then one back. But the overall direction is onward and upward.

Hi Amethyst. Thank you for your words. You are right, I am still driving to go somewhere and instinctively going to the care home. And the other day I was thinking of his birthday then my my mind wanders to what I will get him , knowing fine well there will be no going out buying cards & gifts.
You are so right that the grieving is hard work and tiring . The past few weeks all me and hubby keep saying to each other is "I'm so tired" but bizarrely did not put it down to grief until I read your message. It's not like we have not experienced it before, we lost hubbys brother 9 years ago age 30, his very dear gran 3 years ago and my brother in law took his own life just this June. But I suppose we grieve for each person in different ways.
I'm sure I will come back to this post and re read it may times in the coming months because your words make complete sense and are so helpful . Again many thanks xx
 

KatieRich

Registered User
Jan 3, 2017
63
0
50
Derby
It's no time at all since your dad went, katie. It takes such a long time for things to sink, and for our hearts and minds to adjust. After my husband died, I seemed to be able to put off thinking about it for months. Not all the time, obviously. It would hit now and then. But day to day, I was able to go about, sort of pretending that he was still in the nursing home, and I would be going to visit him soon. Just not now. It was like giving myself a sort of buffer zone from the sharpest point of grief.

Just give yourself time. Grief won't be hurried. It will take it's own time. And your necklace is beautiful.

Thank you LadyA. I think that is exactly what is happening. I'm back to work doing "normal" things then sometimes out of nowhere I get a overwhelming feeling of "he's not coming back" . I spoke with my brother last night and he said he feels the same, really odd like ...has the last few weeks really happened.
It helps me to read your words and I feel like other people feel this way too. Not everyone can outwardly accept and grieve.
I appreciate your advice and wish you many thanks for it x
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
I lost my Dad some 27 years ago, and there are times still when I get an overwhelming sad- missing him- sort of pain. Usually when I would have told him something. I guess it's a wonderful gift in a way.... we had Dads who we loved and miss constantly. But the time does come when you will have these pangs only rarely and the rest of the time you can talk about him and remember him without distress. There is no time scale for grief, but it does get better.
 

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