Missing Dad so much

[gilly96]

Hello to everyone out there who is looking after or has looked after their father like me. Dad died this february 17th. He had alzheimer's. My husband and myself looked after him in our home, my husband did all his personal care, washing etc. we had no other form of help. I found a photo on my camera whilst downloading onto computer and suddenly there was a beautiful photo of Dad and I cannot stop crying. If my siblings had only been there for us instead of taking us to court I could share my feelings and this photo with them but they don't want to know me. I have tried to talk to them but to no avail. Everything has hit me now and I don't know how to cope. My husband is so good and cared so much for my father. I expect all this is common but I am hurting.

 

[CaPattinson]

Hello Gilly, losing a parent is unbelievably heart-breaking I know. Its very early days for you, i lost my mum over 2 years ago and since joining TP it has got easier but still I can't talk out loud about mum without breaking into tears. And I have photos face down because they have the same effect on me. I am so sorry to hear about your family circumstances. It can't be easy, losing your dad and not having a good relationship with your siblings. I can't offer any advice but I will pray that things get easier for you all. I do hope you can sort things out. You are in my thoughts at this sad time, take care xxx Chris.

 

[gilly96]

Thank you for your kind comments. It does help to know that others feel like me. My husband who did virtually all of his (Dad's) personal care misses him as well. Looking after someone 24 hours a day was hard but we somehow got much closer to him and it is a good thing. My brothers and sister cut off communication when we first had Dad because we didn't give in to their demands about giving power of attorney to a stranger. It was not about money at the time it was about caring for Dad because he could no longer manage on his own after Mum died. Dad has died and nothing has changed, both brothers were abroad when we took in Dad one still is. We are struggling to pick up the pieces because we are both in our 60s my husband 66 this year and we don't understand why they behaved like they did. I just want things to at least be civil. It hurts.

 

[Sam Iam]

Gilly,
Please don't be so hard on yourself,you know you did your absolute best for your dad and you can hold your head up high.
Families are the weirdest of groups, the people in your family that you always think would be at your side in a crisis are (in my case) the first ones to hide under a stone with first sign of trouble.
Gilly, your family did what they did and it is up to them to learn to live with this fact. You need to concentrate on you and your husband and grieve for your dad, knowing that he was with two people who love him and gave him the best of care and attention.
We are always here for you xxx

 

[BeverleyY]

Hi

I lost my Mum just over two years ago and it still hurts. She had kidney failure but pneumonia/COPD finally claimed her life

Only this morning I woke from a dream where me and her were off to France for lunch. How sad I was when I woke to find it just a dream.

We care for my Dad who has Alzheimers, and my husband like yours is wonderfully supportive.

I am sending you all my best wishes at this really sad time.

Beverley x

 

[marchbank]

hi gilly you are normal

it's 6 months since i lost my mum and i had the estranged sibling senario, i too have that special photo sitting in my living room and instead of thinking it's sad other people have missed out i tend to look on it that it was my blessing to be there. my husband and i were like yourselves and just guddled along fortunately without carers and i think that gives you a bond that no one can understand unless they've been there. i don't know how long the grieving takes after such intense caring but i find when it gets me down i think back to where i've been and imagine where i'm going to go eventually that helps a bit. hope you're feeling a bit better. take care.

 

[gilly96]

Thank you so much to all who commented, my husband and myself really appreciated your kind words. We really wish now that we had found you all before when we were looking after my father as it would have been so much help. To know that others have experienced the same problems with family that we have and do is so reassuring. We still have his ashes in "his" bedroom and really are just waiting for something or other to happen or someone but after reading your advice we must concentrate on ourselves. We can always help anyone who is looking after a relative with alzheimers so will be looking regularly at the site. Our love to all out there.

 

[allylee]

I lost my mum on May 16th Gilly and I have days where I feel OK and days when I feel a huge cloud over me.

Its OK to feel this way....research says it takes two years to get through the bereavement process, msybe more for some people.

My brother and mum hadnt spoken for 12 years and he has lived in the States for 10...needless to say it stuck in my craw when he came over for the funeral but I agree with Marchbank...feel content in the knowledge that you did all you could and for the right reasons


Love to you both xx