Miss my mum

[GraceB]

I am sure this had probably been asked before but how do others cope with missing the person who was there before. My mum and I have had a difficult relationship all my life, but she was always there for advice, infact if I needed help or advice it bought us closer and suddenly I was the favourite child.
Now I am unsure how to connect, I used my son at first to bond but I now have to protect him from her negative view of me..

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP @GraceB
It‘s one of the hardest things to deal with & I never managed to get my head around it. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[canary]

I am not sure that any of us "cope" @GraceB . The loss of the person who was once there is very hard and we are all grieving for that loss, even though the person is still there. I certainly deal with what needs doing now and try not to think too hard about the losses.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @GraceB . It is certainly a difficult thing to deal with. People with dementia are often portrayed as adorable slightly confused people, living well and surrounded by their loving family but it can so often be very far from the truth. Although we are told that they are the same person, they are a different version of that person, and that version can change from day to day, hour to hour or even in the blink of an eye. I think the only way to deal with it is to know that it is not their fault, that they truly can't help it, to try and focus on the good days and not the bad ones (which is easier said than done).

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @GraceB

As others say this is the hardest thing to accept. As @canary states best not to dwell on the lost parts to much. Lots of emotions get involved mostly anticipatory grief and regret. Somewhere I once read that experience is what we get when we do not get what we want. On that scale carers are very experienced people. I have found it best to try and engage with mum where ever she is in her thoughts and actions, avoiding comparison with the past. Easier said than done when a phrase, a photo, a memory, etc, can out of the blue make comparison with the past unavoidable. When that happens I acknowledge the thought but try to gently let it float away, knowing to hold onto it will just hurt me. That is still work in progress. In reality feeling that pain might arguably at some level be a positive thing, the acknowledgement of what is happening. We have the gifts of memory and emotions, they do us well most of the time but in caring not so well. Best wishes for the future.

 

[canary]

a phrase, a photo, a memory, etc, can out of the blue make comparison with the past unavoidable

My greatest problem at the moment is that our son is the spitting image of his dad - he even has the same mannerisms, expressions and turns of phrases, He is now the same age as OH when we married and sometimes it just makes my heart ache.

 

[Tulip46]

That is a very hard thing to deal with, my Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this January aged 68. It’s been really hard, we lost my Dad just over 3 years ago of MND aged 68. I find it really hard as all I need is my Mum to be my Mum and I am having to understand she isn’t anymore., but it’s heartbreaking, She is only in the early stages and lives a pretty normal life (coronavirus has made it much tougher though). I don’t really have any advice but just wanted you to know your not alone in feeling like that. I guess we just have to realise anything they do they don’t mean, but when all you want is your mum to be your mum and care for you, however old we are, it hurts. Take care

 

[nae sporran]

As you say it's always nice to know you are not alone, but it hurts @Tulip46 . You will find similar support here, so I just wanted to welcome you.

 

[jennifer1967]

my husband has vascular dementia for 18mths. in that time he has deteriated quite a lot but the worse thing for me is his acceptance of help. you might think ive got it made acceptance but no its not him, he admits he could make an argument out of nothing but now its could you put my socks on,, dont want to be in the way, its sad and yes my younger son is just like his dad personality wise. my husband is a windup merchant as is my son. my son will say whats he been up to. the way they look after their families, maturity, cooking, their principles are the same. i want him for a few more years but not to suffer. i take it a day at a time. methodically doing whats needed and cherish every moment of my husbands life. at the moment, i love him and thats all that matters for now

 

[HardToLetGo]

my husband has vascular dementia for 18mths. in that time he has deteriated quite a lot but the worse thing for me is his acceptance of help. you might think ive got it made acceptance but no its not him, he admits he could make an argument out of nothing but now its could you put my socks on,, dont want to be in the way, its sad and yes my younger son is just like his dad personality wise. my husband is a windup merchant as is my son. my son will say whats he been up to. the way they look after their families, maturity, cooking, their principles are the same. i want him for a few more years but not to suffer. i take it a day at a time. methodically doing whats needed and cherish every moment of my husbands life. at the moment, i love him and thats all that matters for now

That's a really lovely thing to write, I hope you have the gift of much more time to be together ?