1. SandieM

    SandieM Registered User

    Jan 13, 2013
    30
    My mother is in a care home and I visit alternate days. She is so miserable and so mixed up. I try hard to engage her interest in things. Today I took her out to a garden centre. She used to love plants. She was extremely negative and difficult. I felt I did not want to repeat the experience.
    Just feel my visits mean I enter her nightmare world. I can't make it better for her no matter how hard I try, and things just get worse for me. All of the things she imagines are real to her - it is horrible for her.
    I can't seem to make a difference and I feel guilty for not wanting to visit her.
    When we were nearly back at the home today I realised she did not know I was her daughter. No one should suffer the way my mother is suffering.
    I could not abandon her, but I can understand why some relatives stop visiting.
    I felt so low after seeing her today. I wish I had family members to share the responsibility.
     
  2. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Oh Sandie, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time :(

    My mum is not at that stage yet and I can only imagine how awful it is for you.

    I know you will not abandon your mother, but I do wonder whether visiting alternate days is helping either of you? If she is unable to enjoy the things you do, maybe you should re-think? Perhaps you could visit a bit less often, and for less time? That way you may be less distressed but you will still be involved in her care?

    Also it may be helpful to give yourself a complete break of a week or so, respite-style, to help you re-charge your batteries?

    I hope you find a better balance soon.

    Sending you (((hugs)))

    Lindy xx
     
  3. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    Sandy...I feel the same as you...I decided not to visit this week and take a break...but the guilt monster is already saying "maybe you should go tomorrow"...it is so hard....I understand how you feel...it's horrible
     
  4. SandieM

    SandieM Registered User

    Jan 13, 2013
    30
    Thanks Lindy and Caroleca.
    I had a break before Easter, but already I am feeling worn down with the situation again.
    I feel so guilty that my mother is there, but how on earth could I give her the round the clock care she needs. She is depressed, confused, lonely, ill, in pain and feels nobody cares about her. It is heart breaking to see her in tears. Other people in the home seem a lot calmer.
    If I don't visit she is just left in her chair or in bed. She doesn't even get taken into the garden even though she has one to one care.
     
  5. Jaycee23

    Jaycee23 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2011
    384
    uk
    Oh I so feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through. My mum is the same and I am unable to even take her out as the home say I would not get her back in. She is always talking about going on holiday (she and dad spent all their retirement going on holidays) and when she was living at home we took her away and she could not wait to go back home! Sometimes she would say about going to the seaside for the day and I would arrange it and she would then change her mind. I just think that they are unable to take pleasure in what they used to do. The one thing my mum enjoys is the two plants she has on her windowsill and talks about the new growth. I too come away totally depressed and have had to limit my visits to once a week. Do I feel guilty? No I am doing nothing wrong as I cannot allow the misery to extent to me and my family. I have to visit and tolerate two hours of moan, spiteful remarks , crying and my heart is wrenching inside. Whatever you do is never, ever going to be enough! I also look around and see its only my mum crying miserably and wonder why it is only her!! I wonder if its for my sake. I think when you visit you need gaps between visits to help you recuperate as I think it is like a kind of bereavement every time you see your loved one disappearing. Please look after yourself.
     
  6. lallstom

    lallstom Registered User

    Jul 31, 2013
    46
    Hi
    My mothers care home are brilliant. She is always wheeled outside to see garden if weather is good. The carers try to play games with them using a white board.
    They frequently do colouring, singing,jigsaws etc. When I go I have to join in if it is during an activity.
    On days when my mother is unable to take part a carer sits with her and holds her hand. I don't really need to go ! But do because of guilt.
    Maybe you need a different CH.
     
  7. Pushka

    Pushka Registered User

    Apr 24, 2014
    18
    No that I can help ease your guilt feelings etc but when I worked in an EMI home, residents quite often put on a 'show' when they had visitors and were quite often unsettled once their visitor had left. Not sure if maybe a bit of reality creeps in as visitors are a reminder, but it was noticeable to all staff.
     

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