MIL keeps having falls

[Trini]

Believe me I will be doing. My sons bless them are only 14 and 16 but they see what is going on. My 16 year old has said to me why do they not put her into a care home? I have discussed with them what I want. I will be making a "living will" so they can be clear about what I would want. I certainly do not want them going through this nightmare. Fortunately I do talk to my boys. My in laws have never been a family to talk.

Perhaps you should talk about it with your sons, assuming they are adults. Giving them your blessing to do the right thing in advance will allay much of the guilt they might otherwise feel should the need arise in future. I have already told my two that they are not to let me get into the state Grandma was in, regardless of what I might say further down the line.

Assemble the facts, even research CHs in advance, so that when the crisis comes, you, at least, are prepared. I had a look round the CH where MIL ended up months earlier without telling the rest of them, so when SIL said she'd been to see it whilst her mum was still in hospital, I was then able to offer assurances that it would have been my choice too.

 

[Chemmy]

Believe me I will be doing. My sons bless them are only 14 and 16 but they see what is going on. My 16 year old has said to me why do they not put her into a care home? I have discussed with them what I want. I will be making a "living will" so they can be clear about what I would want. I certainly do not want them going through this nightmare. Fortunately I do talk to my boys. My in laws have never been a family to talk.

The only one MIL had a frank talk with was me, a few years back, when she asked me to make sure that my younger SIL wasn't the one put upon as she lived locally. I told my OH about it at the time. Some families just seem unable to talk about such things amongst themselves. "If I don't talk about it, it won't happen..."

So I did bring up their mother's words to me during the crisis talks in the hospital and it gave me the confidence to push for them to make the decision she herself would have made before all the confusion and denial set in.

The result is that she has thrived in the CH and everyone now agrees it was the best decision for everyone. Shame she had to endure a couple of years of abject misery first.

 

[AlsoConfused]

Trini, What Mum's Consultant said was she had to go into a Nursing Home because the staff: residents ratio is higher than in an ordinary care home, making falls less likely. Mum's Nursing Home uses a sensor pad at times to alert them to when Mum gets up while unsupervised. Mum has two carers to assist her when she walks. She's still fallen several times.

 

[DMac]

Trini, thank you for posting your story. When I read it, I thought I must have a doppelganger - your story is very similar to mine! I have much sympathy for what you are currently going through. In my case, I have a father-in-law with dementia, living at home with mother-in-law, also with dementia. F-i-L, recently discharged from hospital following complications after surgery, has physical frailties as well, and is also at high risk of falls. He currently has 2x carers visiting 4x per day.

With regards to your family being 'in denial' - that is exactly what I am experiencing right now. One sister-in-law in particular is absolutely adamant that they must continue to live together in their own home, and that they are absolutely fine with his care package as it is. This is in spite of numerous medical people saying that he needs constant supervision now. I suspect that it is the perceived 'entitlement to inheritance' that is behind this denial, though S-i-L would protest too loudly at this idea - how very dare I! . Or, possibly, her motives may be driven by a deep-seated attachment to what was her childhood home and relationship with her parents back then. Who knows?

I hate this feeling of 'waiting for a crisis', but I have resigned myself to that inevitability. I have found the best way to cope with this is to keep reporting back the FACTS to my siblings-in-law about what I see, whenever my OH and I go to visit them, which is frequently. I try very hard not to offer an opinion if I can help it. Apart from that, the caring agency have my contact details in case of emergency (as well as sister-in-law's, the nominated 'next of kin'). Without moving in with them (which OH would NEVER condone), there is very little more I can do.

I have received much good advice on this forum about stepping back and allowing the direct children to deal with matters as they see fit. I think this is very good advice; I try to follow it but admit I find it difficult. I think the key is to keep some emotional distance, even if in reality I happen to be the only one around to deal with a situation when it arises. I deal with the situation, then report back, then I feel I have done as much as I can.

With regard to her falls, sorry I cannot offer any advice as to the root cause. But it occurs to me that whatever the reason, the fact that it is happening so frequently presents a very strong case for her to get the 24/7 supervision she clearly needs now, in a NH or CH setting.

I wish you well, and please keep in touch to let us know how you get on. xx

 

[Trini]

Thank you. It is good to know there are others out there like me! I try to take a back seat but is is very hard as you say. I do not have any say in what happens but I can do her cleaning, washing, sort out the house, spend weeks dealing with the banking problems when she forgets all her PIN numbers and forgets what money she has and I can spend weeks writing and phoning charities to get her taken off their lists so she no longer gets hundreds of letters per month. I can organise to get her mail redirected so she cannot respond to charity begging letters. I can organise the POA because nobody else in the family think it's important. I can fill in the AA form so she gets what she is entitled to and claim council tax reduction. I can spend weeks with Trading Standards to get back the £9000 she was didled out of by doorstep sellers and again when she buys an alarm system she cannot work and does not need. But heaven forbid I should be allowed any say in her care. It is only a matter of time before she is found on floor in a far worse state but I guess if they can live with themselves...
In the meantime I will try to take a back seat. I have taken to writing emails with information as I find it. If they choose to ignore it....
Thank you all. I really appreciate this outlet for my frustrations.
She is still in hospital at the moment. I will keep you posted on developments.

Trini, thank you for posting your story. When I read it, I thought I must have a doppelganger - your story is very similar to mine! I have much sympathy for what you are currently going through. In my case, I have a father-in-law with dementia, living at home with mother-in-law, also with dementia. F-i-L, recently discharged from hospital following complications after surgery, has physical frailties as well, and is also at high risk of falls. He currently has 2x carers visiting 4x per day.

With regards to your family being 'in denial' - that is exactly what I am experiencing right now. One sister-in-law in particular is absolutely adamant that they must continue to live together in their own home, and that they are absolutely fine with his care package as it is. This is in spite of numerous medical people saying that he needs constant supervision now. I suspect that it is the perceived 'entitlement to inheritance' that is behind this denial, though S-i-L would protest too loudly at this idea - how very dare I! . Or, possibly, her motives may be driven by a deep-seated attachment to what was her childhood home and relationship with her parents back then. Who knows?

I hate this feeling of 'waiting for a crisis', but I have resigned myself to that inevitability. I have found the best way to cope with this is to keep reporting back the FACTS to my siblings-in-law about what I see, whenever my OH and I go to visit them, which is frequently. I try very hard not to offer an opinion if I can help it. Apart from that, the caring agency have my contact details in case of emergency (as well as sister-in-law's, the nominated 'next of kin'). Without moving in with them (which OH would NEVER condone), there is very little more I can do.

I have received much good advice on this forum about stepping back and allowing the direct children to deal with matters as they see fit. I think this is very good advice; I try to follow it but admit I find it difficult. I think the key is to keep some emotional distance, even if in reality I happen to be the only one around to deal with a situation when it arises. I deal with the situation, then report back, then I feel I have done as much as I can.

With regard to her falls, sorry I cannot offer any advice as to the root cause. But it occurs to me that whatever the reason, the fact that it is happening so frequently presents a very strong case for her to get the 24/7 supervision she clearly needs now, in a NH or CH setting.

I wish you well, and please keep in touch to let us know how you get on. xx