Mil dementia ruining my marriage

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by kingybell, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    I've not posted on here for a while simply because I'm starting to deal with the other problems.

    My mil is 58 and has dementia and she's getting worse. She's still ok to live on her own and I know it's not going to get any better.

    My husband is incredibly depressed and won't talk about it. I am constantly running to his mums attention as he wont. He said what's the point in doing anything with her as she'll be dead soon.

    He also is staring to take it out on me by being distant. He said that I'm cold and heartless and I don't care about him.
    I'm quite pragmatic and objective about things. He has not had many people in his life die or get ill and have had quite a few so quite used to grabbing the moment while I can while he dwells and ponders.
    He said everyone is dying (just lost his boss at work too).

    I have a strong family connection and he doesn't. He said he envies my relationship with my dad, brother and aunts and uncles.

    I don't know what to do as I feel powerless I could cry.
  2. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    #2 Suzanna1969, Feb 19, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2016
    It sounds to me like your OH is suffering from extreme depression. I usually have no time for this nonsense if the person isn't actually contributing to the care of the sufferer but if it's affecting you then it's time for action, especially if it is having an impact on you as the carer of HIS mother. A part of me is wanting you to scream at him to MAN THE **** UP! But I know that's not terribly constructive or tolerant.

    GP to start with. If he won't go then you need to insist.

    Bl***y cheek if you ask me but I know that depression has very little logic, much the same as dementia. I'm sorry you are having to take care of two people, especially after suffering so much loss in the past. It's not fair.

    You are awesome, by the way.
  3. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Oh Kingybell your post heading certainly caught my eye as I too am feeling some strain in my marriage and dementia plays a large part in our everyday life too.
    It sounds like the two of you do at least talk quite a lot - if he is expressing his unhapiness about his mother's life at least he is sharing with you - don't underestimate the value of this. Do you have time together doing things as a 2 person team? Good things you enjoy and other tasks that you have to do? Together is so important isn't it? He has you and you sound fantastic.
    Could you persuade him to see your doctor? Medication could help, so could a supportive GP who may suggest counselling.
    I'm probably wrong, but perhaps MIL's dementia and your husbands negativity could be a symptom of his sadness(perhaps it is depression) rather than the cause.
    Thinking of you - Twiddler x
  4. heaven* help*us

    heaven* help*us Registered User

    Feb 6, 2016
    London , Uk
    I am so sorry. Must be so frustrating. Can you make a doctor's appointment with him and the gp of his mom? Maybe they could discuss dementia and what it entails? Or perhaps get a library book about dementia, or perhaps a leaflet if a book is too much. I don't know. Is there other family members you can discuss this with? It places all the burden on you. Hugs. Wishing you all the best.
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. You are right the situation with MiL will get worse but whilst she can live independently you are an absolute star supporting her.

    Hubby needs to see the doctor and I suspect you will have to force the issue, you might want support while you do this.
  6. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    Having witnessed my dad's battle with depression brought on by the realisation that Mum had developed dementia, I would agree that your husband really needs to see someone about this. It is not something that should be taken lightly. His GP is the place to start.

    My dad never had a moment's problem with any sort of mental illness until then and quite honestly, if it could happen to him, it could happen to anyone. Anyone who has witnessed true depression knows that that being told to 'man up' is poor advice.
  7. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    Once again you people are awesome. Reading these comments are making me feel better.
    I've suggested he sees someone about this. We have talked today and he said if he thinks about his mum it takes him to a dark place.

    I've been sitting out banking dramas with her today and he's just avoiding seeing her.
    Instead he's next door with our 98yr old neighbour keeping her company (she's fully alert by the way).

    I'll keep at him but hopefully this will make us stronger in the future.

    On a plus side I am surprising myself with the amount I am managing to do.

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