MIL - Aaaahhh - Please read !!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DaisyG, Jun 15, 2006.

  1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England

    Dear All,

    Don't laugh....

    I had a call from my MIL last night (when I was relaxing enjoying my FIRST respite in TWO years)..
    She's been thinking ... 'Oh heck' I said to myself ....

    She's been out to lunch with a SIL and they had 'been talking'.
    This is ALWAYS a bad ' idea' as they always come up with a 'bright plan' (NOT),

    THEY think that my husband 'is the way he is' because he sits and watches too much TV.... !!

    We are some what restricted in what we can 'actually' do because of his mobility problems from his MULTIPLE strokes .. etc....
    Can 'manage' chair to bathroom (by self at present)
    chair to kitchen for meals... etc ... etc...

    The BIG PLAN of 'theirs' is to get ME to look into some kind of 'courses' for him to attend at college !!
    This is a man who when he answers the phone.... and I say "who was that?", he says "who was what ? .... you answered the phone !!"
    He scored really low on his MMSE ....
    is NOT aware it is SUMMER, and wants to dress like it is WINTER , and has asked me OVER and OVER again to get salt for our steps before the frost sets in !!
    Does not always remember his phone no... and address. Does not know the day, date, month and year ....
    Could not direct traffic in a straight line !!
    Shall I go on....

    Now then, what kind of courses are 'available' for people like my husband?
    You can be humerous in you're replies... I'm not easily offended....

    Thanks for listening.

  2. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    #2 Michael E, Jun 15, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2006
    Daisy hi,

    not sure I can be humorous about this as I have very similar problems with my brother in law and his wife... Monique would appear to have the same comprehension of 'anything' as your guy... and her brother and wife were in denial and full of advice and recommendations....

    I did not do it on purpose but I floated the idea that 'we' move to very close proximity to them!!! That way they could visit more often ........

    Wonderful result - !! Shock - horror - (given me secret pleasure for weeks - who said revenge is not sweet!!) I have now received via them by regular postal deliveries various brochures of care homes which could be suitable - they recommend the ones near me as the ones near them - Paris - are so expensive!! - and sheets of information on how the Social Services operate and what can be claimed. That was good and coincided with the care agency giving me similar info - there was one I had missed and am now on route to get my council tax reduced!!! (I live in France so do not get too excited about he latter!)

    I think the thought of actually having to do something themselves on a regular basis concentrates the minds of 'relatives'.....

  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Daisy
    Put the ball in their court....tell them thanks for their advice and if they want to help....could they find a suitable course and arrange it????!!:rolleyes:
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I would say I don’t agree, but seeing you want to help (am being sarcastic) you pick him up & you take him, and then tell me how you got on? Then put your CD walkman ear plug on & start singing along as you walk of :cool: :cool: :)

    Some time I just wonder if people are just ignorant :rolleyes: on the issue of dementia because they are not educated on it.

    Oh bright idea just pop in my mind tell them you found a course on dementia for you & your husband & would they also like to come along ? :D
  5. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005

    At our little local college they have many courses for extended adult education,,,,some just for fun. Might be perfect for the person with advanced dimentia I think.

    Beginning Fly Fishing ( would come in handy for those times they need assistance in the bathroom )

    How to Dress for an Interveiw (good for those lost dressing skills like
    zipping and buttoning)

    Tee Time Basics ( again, good for bathroom assisstance)

    Safety in the Kitchen ( first item on the class is how to not leave on
    gas stove and second, don't put sharp knives
    positioned up in the dishwasher)

    How to give a Speech ( it goes without saying that just a little
    instruction here can put them on them on
    path to good communication!)

    Debate for Adults ( of course they need to hone those arguing skills
    trying to get their way about everything)

    Hope this helps. I for one have put my Mom in a sign language class because I'm sure that the people that don't understand her just can't hear.


    PS. who ever said ignorance is bliss had it so right ! I don't have inlaw problems but my step sisters are coming to town this weekend and I can't wait for them to share their vast knowledge on AD to me. I'm sure they have been reading up on it in the last six months since their last visit.
  6. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    how about enrolling him on the induction course for new employees of ******shire county council? :rolleyes:
  7. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Dad is signing up for advanced escapology, A-Level Giberrish, and furniture re-arranging :cool:
  8. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    dear daisy

    my flabber is gasted:eek:
    are you sure your inlaws are from this earth, if i were you id pull the phone out for the remainder of your respite, so you dont have to listen to any more of theyre mad ideas.

    how ill does the poor man have to get before they recognise he is ill:eek:
    tell em to get stuffed, and if you dont want to do it i will:D
    take care xxx
  9. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    Dear Daisy ... for months when I was trying to get a diagnosis for james and persuade him to go to the Doctors well meaning friends would tell him he was ok and being forgetful was a part of getting old.....then tell me how they were worried about his behavior!!! Tell the inlaws that they are quite right and as you are away you have told the respite home to expect a visit from sil to arrange courses. regards Jude1950
  10. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    We were guilty of telling mum she was OK and that her bad memory was possibly due to her passing out and getting older. It seemed kinder that telling her she was in the early stages of AD - I don't think she would have accepted it anyway. Well meaning friends are probably just that - well meaning! But until you live with or care for someone with AD, then you can't have any idea of what it's like.

    Daisy G - if you happen to enrol your husband in a haircutting course, could he come and cut my mums hair! :D

  11. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    My In Laws !!

    Dear All,

    Well, I did have a long relpy typed out yesterday, and I guess I was 'timed out' or something... as my message just disappeared.

    I know... How daft can they be ... expecting him to attend AND absorb the details of ANY course?

    This is man who gets lost on the way to the bathroom !!
    He can toilet himself (as yet, thankfully) .... but needs ' direction' and 'taking' when not at home.

    He does not always remember his address or phone no. and to this day cannot tell you the day, date, etc.... MMSE proves that he is a little 'lacking' in the memory department.
    He thinks it is coming up to WINTER, and is forever asking me if we have any salt to put on the steps ..... as it will be frosty soon
    He likes to sometimes dress like it is WINTER, as if he is going on a 'hike' ... all wrapped up ... with scarf and everything .....

    BUT.... they still thinkk there is 'nothing' wrong with him.
    It's the "pull yourself together attitude" ... I have trouble with.

    He HAS attended a memory workshop in the past ... early last year...
    BUT, memory is MUCH worse now.
    (I've spoken to the co-ordinator and she does not think it would be any help attending again).

    We didn't really 'gain' a great deal ... and as it happens it was more of a social thing ....

    I've got him a memo recorder .... but
    1) He forgets he has it and
    2) He forgets how to use it !!

    So ..... what kind of course can they be thinking of?

    This man has severe mobility problems ..... (due to MULTIPLE strokes)
    Is now registered 'partially sighted'
    Has a 'restricted memory' ..... at times cannot remember eating etc....

    It AMAZES me day after day the 'smart' comments that I have to put up with from people (SIL) who sees us about 3-4 times a year !!
    And she onlly lives a few miles away....

    FAMILY ...... GGGrrrrrr

    I'm rambling....


  12. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    OOppps !!

    I've just realised.... I've repeated myself !!

    Sorry .....

  13. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    Hi Daisy,
    I have step sisters coming tomorrow to visit my folks. Not my favorite people but I am really braced for their good advice ( they have so much accumulated in the six months they are absent). It is their father and I know they have mostly his interest at heart over my Mom's who they have never really embraced. I am pretty sure they will be leaning on my step Dad to put my Mom in a nursing home. I am just going to sit and listen this weekend and see what is said before I react.
    Hope I'm wrong!
  14. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    Totally agree! For years I worked for a charity and well meaning (??!!) people would suggest "fund raising" ideas which I came to refer to as the "team of dancing girls and three elephants" category! In other words, they would have been horrendously difficult to organise (if possible!!) and very unlikely to produce results - certainly nothing that would warrant the energy expended in organising them! After awhile, I found that agreeing sweetly, saying how much I appreciated the suggestion, and "could they please look into it for me as they obviously knew more about it than I did?" worked wonders!!

    Also, could you say that respite is offering the sort of activities (courses!!!) that are appropriate for your husband . . . ? (just a thought!)
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Daisy, instead of asking them to look into things for you - how about throwing the ball right back to base line and asking why they don't look into some college course for themselves? What could they find that's suitable for them?

    Tell them what a great help it would be if they'd try a 'taster course' and feedback to you..... 'cause you're too busy to do it yourself - got to tape the Open Uni programmes for hubby....:D

    Here's big Grrrrrrrrrrr:mad: with you and a big hug.........:) for you,

    Love, TF

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