mental stress

[maggiebirch]

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer,s about two years ago. I could not accept this as my father had been hen-pecked by my mother all my life. I assumed he had just given in and switched off. My mother is now under a terrible strain and she does not cope well with his illness, she has no patience and continually berates him for his forgetfulness.

my father was an accountant so he spends most of his time counting his money and complaining about other people stealing from him. now he thinks we want his money.

one of my biggest worries is he keeps threating suicide, his own father killed himself in the shed which is in his back garden and already we have had one incident in there, he has also began to get violent towards my mother. one day a week he goes to a day centre to give my mum a rest but he is treatening to give that up as they have recently been re-assested and told they will have to pay now and that is one thing my father hates , is spending money.

the worry of my parents and what will happen to them is causing great stress as there seems to be no help. i was told that if your parents have over £20.000 in the bank they do not qualfy for any assistance, we are beging to feel more and more isolated.

We are four daughters, my father has closed the purse stings and will not let us manage his finances and secure our mothers future. Now we fear that both our parents are going to lose there income once my father deterioates into the abyess

 

[Jude]

Dear Maggie,

You have my sympathy! My father is the original scrooge and the constant counting of money and endless discussions about finances drives me crackers... It is a very common obsession and linked to security fears.

When faced with a similar situation to yours, I contacted our family solicitor and arranged with him to obtain Power of Attorney, even though my father refused to allow it. At that time my parents were living on a pittance which my father grudgingly allowed. He was constantly trying to limit their food budget to £20 a month, which was ridiculous and meant that they weren't eating properly at all. I've had POA for approx 4 years and have also had to hide all the bank statements. I also had to stop my father going to the bank [at the bank's request] as he was harrassing the staff several times a week with endlessly repetetive questions.

You also need to contact your local Doctor and CPN and make them aware of the violent episodes. My father who is a very mild mannered man had a couple of violent moments, which was very alarming. It was all to do with feeling out of control because he knew that he was losing the plot. Our Doctor prescribed some tablets for a short time and I made sure that he developed a proper daily routine and had decent food to eat. This helped immensely and he has never been aggressive again.

Do ensure you get some professional advice as soon as you can.

Best wishes
Jude

 

[kate34]

hi maggie

we have just put my father in a private home as mum and i could no longer cope with caring for him in his demented state. He was not violent but could get quite verbally aggressive and difficult. You have my sympathies. Have you consulted a solicitor to get power of attorney? Perhaps he is not at that stage yet, but do it as soon as you can, that will give you some leverage legally when he can no longer handle finances. It will give your mother more say in what happens to her money as well. My Dad has an excellent occupational pension and state pension which together pay for his keep in the home. Social services pay the rest. We have had to declare every single penny to the finance dept but at least they know what we can afford and what they need to help us with, they were very helpful really. The best thing for you to do is talk to the Social Services dept who will assess you financially and tell you what entitlements you have regarding financial help, we were surprised that we could get assistance, so dont give up. i do have messenger so if you ever wish to chat online do feel free to give me a shout.
My thoughts are with you, it is a terrible illness, it DOES get easier in a way but there are no easy options I'm afraid.
My regards to you.