Please can someone help me, i care for my 84 year old mother with dementia and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. We both own the house we live in but last weekend I discovered that my 6ft 2in 51 year old single brother who also lives with us has been mentally abusing my mother! He often mentally abuses myself and once physically hurt me but I thought if I took his bullying he wouldn’t bother my mother, then I returned home from a shopping trip to find my mum in a awful state and took her straight to the hospital where mum told doctors everything! I feel such a failure I should have seen what he was like but I didn’t. He put on such a wonderful nice guy act no one would believe he was slowing killing my mother (or being nasty to me) now we are not allowed to return to our home for our own safety. We are to afraid to throw him out and if we got the police to do it for us we know he will return. And social services “can’t do much” Adult protection think that as we are safe lodging at a relatives home they don’t need to do anything for us. My mothers dementia is getting worse by the day and she wants to go home and my life has been turned upside down while he is living in our house..please please can someone tell me what I should do. This is sending me over the edge. Many thanks.
Mental abuse.
- Thread starter Tizzy190
- Start date
I really think you must involve the police. You need a restraining order against him but you need to take the first steps and that's the police.
That's another problem. I would but I have 3 older sisters who have no idea what it is like to care for someone with dementia and always told " I can manage" now they they will never forgive me if I involve the police and I should be able to cope with him myself. They have no idea what it like to live with him as they never visit. They say they are always to busy.
Honey, it's your and your mother's home but the only person who can stand up for you is you. There are people who can help you, sure, but you need to decide that you can do this. Have you ever called the Samaritans? I know people think they are just about suicide prevention but they do provide a really first rate emotional listening service. No judgements. Just someone to bounce ideas off. Perhaps talking to someone like that would help you get your head around this? You need to be strong for your mother and I know you have this strength inside you just need to access it. Your brother is a bully, but with help you can remove that bully from your life.
Wise words from Jennifer. Another point of contact who will be able to give you guidance in this tricky situation is ROW (Rights of Women). ROW is for women particularly in you and your mum's position. The call handlers are volunteer solicitors so they would be able to help with the legal guidance aspect. However, you do need to contact your local police and give details. Scary though it is it is the wisest move. Contact details below for ROW.
http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
Get guidance also on how to protect yourselves, changing locks and how to stop your brother coming back.
Please take care of yourself.
http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
Get guidance also on how to protect yourselves, changing locks and how to stop your brother coming back.
Please take care of yourself.
It cannot be acceptable as a permanent solution. You have been forced out of your own home.
Have you been in contact with Action on Elder Abuse?
https://www.elderabuse.org.uk
https://www.elderabuse.org.uk/helpline
The Helpline is 080 8808 8141.
You must involve the police, they will give you advise also on changing locks, both You and Your Mum are at risk in this situation, tell your sisters to take a running jump if they don’t like it, they aren’t the ones doing the caring or helping you at all by the sounds of it. The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them. Lots of hugs x
Your older sisters don't figure in this situation whatsover. They are not living with you. You, as your Mum's carer, have to look out for her and yourself, first and foremost. End of.
You have to involve the police. x
I always think that people who are not involved in care are not entitled to dictate what happens.
Its you and your mums safety thats at stake here.
I realise the situation is complicated by the fact that your brother lives with you and you'll be making him homeless. But there's one of him and two of you. If he's a bully do you really want to have him living with you for the rest of your life? He needs to get his own place.
Others have given good suggestions as to where to turn for practical help and emotional support. Your family are not offering what you need and if they have blinkers on you need outside help to solve this.
I do hope you can find the strength to take the next step and contact someone for help. You've already taken the first one reaching out to us. Good luck, be brave, and let us know how you get on.
Others have given good suggestions as to where to turn for practical help and emotional support. Your family are not offering what you need and if they have blinkers on you need outside help to solve this.
I do hope you can find the strength to take the next step and contact someone for help. You've already taken the first one reaching out to us. Good luck, be brave, and let us know how you get on.
Hi Tizzy 190
Sorry that you are in this awful situation. You say you and your mum own the house so is your brother staying as a guest or has he always lived with you both? Just thinking that you may want to get legal advice as you may be able to evict your brother if he has no right to live there but refuses to leave.
Do your sisters know that your Mum is no longer living in her house? They may not be ok with this and could be a lot more helpful and even want to intervene with your brother. What about the relative you are staying with now - could they not talk to your brother as presumably they will not be able to house you and your Mum indefinitely? You mention your brother has a nice guy act but many people can spot a bully and perhaps some of your family or friends may already have the measure of him.
If you are frightened of your brother please go to the police. Is there a friend who could go with you to offer you moral support? Unfortunately you will have to take some course of action as you have to look after your Mum's best interests, even if that means clashing with your brother. If your Mum told the doctors what was happening, she could also testify to others as well so it wouldn't just be your word against your brother's. Please try and get some help from others.
Sorry that you are in this awful situation. You say you and your mum own the house so is your brother staying as a guest or has he always lived with you both? Just thinking that you may want to get legal advice as you may be able to evict your brother if he has no right to live there but refuses to leave.
Do your sisters know that your Mum is no longer living in her house? They may not be ok with this and could be a lot more helpful and even want to intervene with your brother. What about the relative you are staying with now - could they not talk to your brother as presumably they will not be able to house you and your Mum indefinitely? You mention your brother has a nice guy act but many people can spot a bully and perhaps some of your family or friends may already have the measure of him.
If you are frightened of your brother please go to the police. Is there a friend who could go with you to offer you moral support? Unfortunately you will have to take some course of action as you have to look after your Mum's best interests, even if that means clashing with your brother. If your Mum told the doctors what was happening, she could also testify to others as well so it wouldn't just be your word against your brother's. Please try and get some help from others.
Look up applying for an occupation order at the magistrates court and also a non-molestation order. There are charities who will help you with this if you qualify for legal aid.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me. You don't know how much strength you have given me, and to know I'm not alone. You will be pleased to know that I took your advice and contacted the police despite the wrath of my sisters, you made strong enough to stand up to them and say to them if they didn’t want the police involved or my brother made homeless then feel free to take him into their home! Needless to say he is in a shelter for the homeless. We also have adult safeguarding team caring for us. And my mother is now contented, safe and fast asleep in her own bed. We was even given an alarm should my brother try to return. I have never felt so safe and making sure my mother gets the care she deserves. All this is possible thanks to you wonderful people out there. Big hugs and kisses to you all. god bless xxx
That's really great. Best news I've read all day. Give yourself a big pat on the back - you've shown real courage.
