Memory marathon 2011, other advice?

[MandyW]

Hello, Its been a while since I have been on here and not a lot has changed since I was!
My Mum was diagnosed at 48, she is now 60. She is in the late stages and as been for the past 2 years now. Every year that I think is her last, I am proved wrong fortunately! She always has been a tough old bird! (she's hate me for saying that -Sorry Mum!)
I miss her every day.

This is not why I am posting...Its my Dad. He's her carer. She lives at home still and has carers come in 3 times a day and has a sitting service on a monday and friday, so that my dad can still go out to work. I am worried for him. He goes through patches of depression (not diagnosed-just my gut feeling) and this is one of those times. I visit my parents as many times as possible. I would be there everyday if they didn't live so far away, but as it is I see them at every given opportunity, and it goes without saying that I would be there at a drop of a hat if need be! I telephone every day, sometimes twice or more.

My Dad made a comment on saturday that hurt my feelings and tapped into the guilt that I feel. It really cut me in two what he said. It was not like him to say such a thing and this is how I know that he's feeling down at the mo.
So, I think we need a challenge. Something to focus on. Thats how we work, we're active people and I think my Dad feels restricted. We ran for Alzheimers a few years back, we done the British 10K and raised £500 or so between us. I have just applied for the information pack for the Memory Marathon in September, I thought that this might be something we could both do together. Has anyone else done it? It didn't give away too much information. Obviously this would throw up other complications like Mum's care that weekend, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!

As far as the comment made, well....I've just got to deal with it. I know he didn't mean to hurt me really. Those words just grate me. Part of supporting Mum, is supporting my Dad too. Theres just not enough of me to go around! I wish I could do more.

Any advice on anything is appreciated.

Mandy W

 

[Jo1958]

Mandy, hi
My heart goes out to you as you try to share yourself around, it is heartbreaking trying to keep all the balls in the air when you know more is needed, I am sure you are doing a wonderful job of supporting your parents. Well done you for raising so much money last year, thank you. I hope others are along soon with experience of the Memory Marathon but it sounds like just the thing to pull you together as a family, good luck!
With best wishes from Jo

 

[sistermillicent]

Good for you for thinking of doing something so positive, I don't know anything about the memory marathon, but I do know exercise would be good for feeling low. Not that I do any really these days, but I will try harder.

I think that whatever your dad said to you it would be wise to remember that people tend to hurt the ones closest to them, and as you and your dad seem to be very much in this together it might be natural, if upsetting. It is hard (for you) when you feel you have to care for the carer as well as the person with dementia, I know because I have been doing that for my dad too, and if your dad is low at the moment I am sure that is what you are doing for him.

All the best

x

 

[MandyW]

Thank you so much for your replies. Whatever you do, it never feels enough. I know that everybody feels that way not just me. I suggested the walk to my Dad and he is going to think about it. He's reluctant to let the rest of the family help with Mum's care on the day of the walk. I know that they aren't really involved much but I feel like for once they could help us out but my Dad see's it differently. My hands are tied on his one and I am going to have to go with what he feels is right. I think that is one of the hardest things. I want to make some decisions for my Mum, but I feel like I have to just support what my Dad thinks is right even if it goes against my gut feelings sometimes. Its a bit of a predicament because when I do put my foot down he feels hurt! Its like you are walking on egg shells all the time, trying not to upset the applecart!

 

[sistermillicent]

Mandy, I know exactly what you mean, I had this too and after a time I had to intervene. It felt awful going behind dad's back but when I explained to him what I had done and that I was simply not going to stand by and see them both suffer and that he had to accept some help, he cried and said he was thankful that I had done it.
One of the things that worried dad particularly was assessments, I have often said on here that these are not the worrying things that people think they are, and the person with dementia usually does not even have to be there, it is the carer who gives the information. I helped out by doing every assessment with dad about my mum.

As to walking on eggshells, I know that too, and for a long time felt as if the house was ruled by madness and we were slaves to dementia.

Take heart, things will change, no they won't go back to how they were, but at some point, and you will know when it is right, you will be able to get help in there.

Stay in touch. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to know any more or offload.

Pippa x