When you've been together for 35 years and more, friends and relatives tend to say to you - "well thank goodness you have all of those happy memories to look back on". Am I unusual in that I can't actually remember our lives together before all this? I know we were happy, I know we enjoyed ourselves and always made the most of our time together. I know that other people thought themselves 'shut out' because we were so close in all ways, and we were scarcely ever apart, except for our working days. I find that the absolute concentration needed to live in Jan's world as she is now, has tended to block out our past. I can look at photos, but it is as if it is another couple. Memories are very much past times relived, and relived with the person who shared them in the first place. Perhaps one day, when Jan is gone, I will be able to frame things in context, but for the present, I am a person with no real past. Having said that, I am not living in the past and have found a whole new life that still includes - and will continue to include - Jan.