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Meltdown

Srob

New member
Nov 11, 2020
1
0
My husband has vascular dementia, diagnosed 2 years ago, and every few months has a kind of melt down. Not sure it would help if I go into details but it’s all to do with a six month affair I had 48 years ago. We have been together now 50 years now and he is so nasty verbally to me. He asks the same questions over and over for hours, I try to just keep my cool and answer honestly each time, but he tries to catch me out each time, it’s so hard to hear and to constantly repeat the same thing over and over and not be believed.nI know it’s not him, and tomorrow he will probably not remember it, but it’s so hard. Ime sitting here alone and in tears. We have great support in family, luckily as my kids were visiting during the first time, and he sent my sister a scathing e mail!! but they love him and understand the situation, GP, and nurses, there too, but it’s so hurtful. It tends to revolve around sex then escalates. Does anyone else have this type of problem, he is normally, kind and loving, but turns for no reason. Sometimes ime just at a loss. He is a big guy, I have felt threatened at times, but mainly i can talk to him calmly. Hence the involvement with the nurses and psychiatrist since the first time which was the worst and lasted 3 days, I was very frightened then. Most of the time he is ok apart from frustration and memory, but when it flares it really flares. Would a councillor help do you think??
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,279
0
Councillors are not useful for the PWd, as the counselling is quickly forgotten. Maybe different for the carer.

You can't live with this, you're going to have to consider outside carers respite, or care home.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,768
0
Southampton
if you feel threatened, you may need to phone the police. they dont drag them off to a cell but are very understanding. could you get in touch with the gp for something to calm him down. you might have had the affair but to punish you for 48yrs is not acceptable.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,933
0
Yorkshire
hello @Srob
a warm welcome to posting on DTP

sadly what you describe will be recognised by many here ... somehow the dementia seems to bring out a partner's fear of infidelity, maybe because the feelings dementia brings are so confusing that only something so deep can 'explain' them to a mind that isn't able to reason as it used to

I'm glad you have the understanding of family and support of professionals

though it's concerning that there's aggression involved ... make sure you have a safe space to go to, with a mobile to call for help

maybe don't try to explain to your husband, or reason with him, when he becomes agitated, that's likely to have him escalate (as you seem to have discovered) ... maybe make a neutral, non-commital comment and leave the room (suddenly you need the loo!) and don't go back for a while ... when you do, be calm and quiet, with a smile, and take a drink/treat with you as a distraction ... if he starts again, walk out, without fuss ... not easy, I appreciate

counselling may help you, to have someone to listen to your concerns .... it's unlikely to be of help to your husband as, sadly, dementia affects reasoning and empathy; he's probably not able to see a situation from any viewpoint but his own, and what he believes is 'true' (whether accurate or not), anyone else is wrong, and possibly trying to trick him

keep posting ... members may not be able to give solutions, but we do understand and sympathise
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,076
0
South coast
Hi @Srob
My OH went through a stage where he was convinced that Id had/was having an affair even though I never had and my mum was convinced that her husband had left her for another woman even though he had died 30 years previously. As Shedrech says, many people with dementia become convinced that their partner is having an affair. I think its because, at some level, they know that they need someone to help them and become afraid of abandonment.

Its no use trying to explain or reason with them, because their logic no longer works and they cannot see anything from anyone elses view point. I think I recognise the scenario. Does your husband demand sex and you refuse, so he then becomes convinced that the reason you refuse is because you are having an affair? This is what happened with OH and he got very angry and demanded to know the truth. In my case there was no affair, but he didnt believe me. If there had been an affair I would probably have been cowed enough to admit it, but I know that he would have totally exploded at me and not believed me that it was in the past.

If this resonates at all then go back to the first point of disagreement - the demand for sex. In his mind he is still a terrific lover, so you have to come up with another reason to refuse him. I always remember another member on here saying her excuse was to say "oh darling, we've already had it six times today - I just cant keep up with you!" and he went away happy that he was still a good lover. It was a lightbulb moment for me.
 
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