Night of Insights
I don't know how to write this post. So much to say. Knowing that being forced to post all this 'evolution through Alzheimers' doesn't belong in the resource section. All the reading I am doing insists that this is a shared process, a participative process, and yet I am not permitted to blaze my evolutionary trail due to dementia on the main forum. The isolation is all wrong. No feedback......
...... and yet, this is the Way. I have no doubt at all about this. So as my time on Alz Org dwindles (an administratively enforced isolation), the Greater Plan continues to unfold irrespective of unnecessary artificial barriers.
Let's see what I can share, even from down here in the bowels of TP. To say Talking Point is a mis-nomer as I am the only one talking, unheard and unseen, in a back water. No matter. I will talk and then move on if this is the Greater Plan. And believe me, the Greater Plan is unfolding so fast I can hardly write it all down (so thank heavens for my diary).
Just some brief pointers, for there will be others here who 'know' that there are times of evolutionary growth, those big challenges that push us right out of our comfort zone consistently, and that for some of us the Evolutionary Push will be dementia (either as a 'victim' or as a carer).
* It sounds a heresy, but I realised that Alzheimers was Mum's parting gift to me. None of my siblings could cope, so I had to. I lost everything I had worked to create (job, career, income) and instead was forced (for I was not an eager learner) to walk through my own Dark Night of the Soul.
* Some crazy chance (as seen through my Small Self, my Big Self 'knows' this was opportunity, a call to evolve) linked me with a genuine Indian guru. An evolved being. Even as I shuddered through a mental-flu of emotional and spiritual overload, his reply was, "No, BE. No slowing down, no cutting back on yogic practice. This is what yoga is for (the yoga nidra, the breathing practices, the body-mind yoga)." And last night the insight struck. Yes, these people have been practicing yoga (mental practices and physical) in order to forge a very strong body-mind-spirit base, so as we evolve we can handle all the power/insight/evolution.
* The 21 day Perfect Health Challenge furnished me with some important missing data, for me on how to maintain the body-mind link even under duress. It was obvious but I have not seen it. Now I have included daily practices to help 'ground' my mind-spirit in my body, and strengthen my body for this task, i.e. cycling, rowing, weight training and of course hatha yoga. And as I took that step..... evolution just got faster.
* Padraig's post that I saw 'by coincidence' last night is yet another part of the puzzle. I had been reading about resiliance, about over-coming our inertia and, in my case, unwillingness to push myself even if if didn't feel marvellous. An example would be, it sometimes feels nicer to sit warm at home than peddle up a hill, breathless, heart pounding and in a damn cold wind. But such a course of action just feeds the Small Self, and is anathema to the Warrior Within.
I've adjusted to a life as unpredictable as I experienced with my wife's Alzheimer's. Some days I'm pain free then unannounced suddenly during the day or night I suffer pains as though my inside is on fire. It makes me appreciate my pain free days days all the more.
One of the positives I'm grateful to have gained from caring for my wife was to value each moment of time I'm granted, and make the best of it. Crazy as it may seem, no matter how tired I feel I do my morning run just to convince myself that I can. If there is a tomorrow it can wait for now.
Life is one big challenge and each one you overcome makes you tougher, and I'm sure the saying that applies to you is correct: when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
Now Padraig is a warrior, and he is wise, and nothing frightens him. I have learned so much from his posts and his world view. Thank you Padraig!
* In the flow. It is hard to believe my Small Self that all the coincidences that keep unrolling are just chance. I mean, why now? Why do I get the answer as soon as I ask the question? 21 Day Challenge came, easy to grasp as it was free on the internet. Next came the scholarship to Mindfulness with the king of Heart-Work, Jack Kornfield. Powerful stuff, about dealing with trauma (Mum's and my old traumas as the old-guard authorities hit back and tried to silence and then eliminate me). Big lessons on compassion, evolution, the Greater Plan. Help!!!!
* The teaching, three days a week in two companies. The Greater Plan realised that I needed some space. A time to interact with 'normals'. Perhaps this happened because TP admin would not let me share with 'normals' here and relegated me to the bowels? So I now drive for 2 hours a day, time to listen to all the stuff I have downloaded about Enlightenment, Evolution, Change, and various methodologies and traditions.
* Bang! On day two of my teaching, I see the two companies are loving me. Perhaps an important piece of the jigsaw as I have been made feel like a persona non-grata by those in power here. So I get to be liked, valued and the wall of isolation shatters. But more importantly, and definitely a part of the jigsaw, was listening to Raphael Cushnir talk and his methods for moving through emotional barriers. For I came to realise that my current issue with dementia is the pain of losing Mum. It hurts again and again. I reverted to irritation and anger as a method of avoiding confronting my pain of loss and grief. But as I evolve thorough the Mindfulness course, I saw this Anger shield very clearly.
* Every thing suddenly fits from a Greater Plan perspective, even my frustrations with Mum's dog...... who I am now urgently befriending, as I left that poor guy as full-time animal carer out of my equation, and actually turned against him.
* Anger patterns and habits are surfacing as Mum triggers them 100 times a day. There for me to view at leisure. But the evolutionary growth is unavoidable. Just as my Small Self tries to hide and justify why I am angry, and there are so many opportunities just to shake my head and groan, my Greater Self 'knows' that this is a golden opportunity to work through every shred of anger I have even taken on in this life time, to be come an expert in anger, its sensations, where it is stored in the body, how it numbs and poisons the mind, and how it shuts off the spiritual inputs.
* Past Lives surface again and again. Usually ignored, but not to be ignored this time. One is loosening her grip, that staid Victorian widow, as we sell our historic home (and this time I know it will sell for that Ireland phase is over). Others are pushing their lessons harder and more stridently through dreams and lucid dreaming. Or random thoughts that filter up when I am in delta and theta brainwave states.
* Now, Craig Hamilton beckons. Evolutionary Pathway. Is it meant to be or not? Is this the next step on the journey?
* One thing I know for certain, I am here to Evolve. (As we all are). Darwin talks of survival of the fittest. The greatest misunderstanding is the general populace thinks this means dog eat cat, or conservatism rules OK, or status quo, or bully-boy stays on top. But this is not what Darwin meant, as those who have studied his work know. He meant that only those organisms who can adapt to challenging environments will survive. The fittest organisms are capable of change and adaptation. The others flee over the clifftop like lemmings. Follow the herd. Listen and obey the power-holders even when all the evidence points that their tactics are not delivering (think environment, nuclear proliferation, economic issues, cowardly politics, and the greedy grip that profit organisations have on what research is done into finding dementia cures).
Time to stop. I wonder if anyone will actually read this? If it benefits or interests anyone, let me know, otherwise I shall take this to be Greater Plan nudging me to new spaces with greater potential for growth. But I have loved my time here, and value my friends. So, I wait to see what evolves on the TP front.