This isn't really about dad this time. I've been foolish and got myself upset over nothing again. I should know better.
I didn't have high hopes for Christmas this year. Not after the non-event of my thirtieth birthday. That got me moaned at by my work-mates- they were threatening to come round and put up my decorations for me! Well I was pleasantly surprised at how the day went. Dad didn't seem too fussed so I left him at home for a few hours with the radio on while I popped over to my sister's to give her family their presents. It was pretty quiet there- the kids are at the age where they're only interested in their Nintendos, but it was just nice being out of the house for a few hours, that was until I started feeling guilty. Reason told me there was no point taking dad- last year was hard enough with him demanding to go home from the minute we got there, and, well, seeing as my sister never visits he now has no idea who she, or any of the rest of the family is. And just lately he's been getting suspicious of strangers. I'm not sure that my sister understood my decision, though she didn't say anything. I'm not sure I cared.
So I went home again, got out a box of chocolates and a good book, put the TV on for dad and that was kind of it.
I read that book pretty much non stop for the next two days. Books were always my escape as a teenager. It's a real treat for me now as usually I'm too busy. I should have known better as reading that way has put me out of place, and now I'm all worked up over nothing, getting stressed out over tiny things and just wishing things were different. I didn't realise how bad I was until I had lunch with dad and every little thing he did got on my nerves. Eventually I retreated back to my room for some time on my own. It hasn't really helped.
I hate getting like this. We've been getting on fine lately- even my (stress related) excema has let up on me, and I've been careful not to look too deeply into why everything has been so good. And then I go and let something silly upset me. Do you ever find yourself longing to be anywhere but here!
My self-image isn't good anyway, nothing to do with this, but sometimes I really feel like I've made a right mess of my life. I get like this and even though I know that's not true, the knowledge doesn't make any difference to the way I feel.
I guess I just have to ride this out.
I didn't have high hopes for Christmas this year. Not after the non-event of my thirtieth birthday. That got me moaned at by my work-mates- they were threatening to come round and put up my decorations for me! Well I was pleasantly surprised at how the day went. Dad didn't seem too fussed so I left him at home for a few hours with the radio on while I popped over to my sister's to give her family their presents. It was pretty quiet there- the kids are at the age where they're only interested in their Nintendos, but it was just nice being out of the house for a few hours, that was until I started feeling guilty. Reason told me there was no point taking dad- last year was hard enough with him demanding to go home from the minute we got there, and, well, seeing as my sister never visits he now has no idea who she, or any of the rest of the family is. And just lately he's been getting suspicious of strangers. I'm not sure that my sister understood my decision, though she didn't say anything. I'm not sure I cared.
So I went home again, got out a box of chocolates and a good book, put the TV on for dad and that was kind of it.
I read that book pretty much non stop for the next two days. Books were always my escape as a teenager. It's a real treat for me now as usually I'm too busy. I should have known better as reading that way has put me out of place, and now I'm all worked up over nothing, getting stressed out over tiny things and just wishing things were different. I didn't realise how bad I was until I had lunch with dad and every little thing he did got on my nerves. Eventually I retreated back to my room for some time on my own. It hasn't really helped.
I hate getting like this. We've been getting on fine lately- even my (stress related) excema has let up on me, and I've been careful not to look too deeply into why everything has been so good. And then I go and let something silly upset me. Do you ever find yourself longing to be anywhere but here!
My self-image isn't good anyway, nothing to do with this, but sometimes I really feel like I've made a right mess of my life. I get like this and even though I know that's not true, the knowledge doesn't make any difference to the way I feel.
I guess I just have to ride this out.