may I rant please?!?!?!

[cat64]

My mum with vascular dementia has been in her care home since march and is settling in her own way ...at least she is eating more and is being supervised.. The home has just had an unannounced inspection and is good across the board so thats good.

My problem is my brother who 4 years ago said mum had been callous for that long he wasnt going to see her any more ....and he hasn't!! hence mucking up family dynamics, upseting my dad , I haven't seen my niece and my kids havent had their uncle at their 21sts! [ he wouldnt come in case mum was there!!]
I have NO IDEA why he has said this ....yes she has always been a bit bloody minded and nasty at times but my sister and I have put this down to the dementia.

The last few years have been horrible...sorting mum out so she can stay in her house, sorting problems long distance etc etc I am exhausted, stressed and there have been lots of tears. WHY OR WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?? ANY IDEAS??

And now the problem...........my little bro has just announced he is marrying his long term girlfriend.....a lovely lady who I truly hope will be happy with him...but he says there is an invite on the way for us.............I have never felt like this ever but I really dont know whether to go......it feels hypocritical..but dont want to upset his girlfriend.....she is doing her best to include the whole family [she sends cards at xmas, chocolate to the kids etc].............do I just go and stay well away from him? I really dont want to explode at a wedding but at the mo there is 4 years of anger buidling up?......im sure my dad will go and I ought to go for him.

just speak words of wisdom and calm me down..........have other relations done this??

 

[jhoward]

So tough for you - aren't families a minefield sometimes?

Does making lists help you, cat64 - for and against - help you at all (the advantages and drawbacks of going and of not going). Sometimes just writing it all down helps one get a clearer picture.

 

[jugglingmum]

Some random thoughts, which may help and may be a bit about me.

You don't say when your mum's dementia started, but if she has had it for some time she could have started being nasty to your brother way before you noticed. My mum suddenly started being quite nasty to me when she visited in 2010, I didn't fully realise she had dementia until Dec 2013, but there are clear occasions before that which I put down to jealousy of me (I carried on working after having my kids, something she would have liked to do, but for many reasons didn't) but I think this may have been dementia as well. She always favoured my brother, which he acknowledges was wrong and hurt me, but this got worse on each visit she saw him and I remember she was very much like this in 2005 so do wonder if this was dementia as far back as that.

I barely see my brother, but it is not connected to mum's dementia, he is the sort to live in his own little bubble. He has done some stuff for mum, but does not make an effort to see her more than once a year, but he only saw her at xmas before dementia. In your situation I would go for the sake of my kids and grin and bear it, but that doesn't mean you have to keep contact up if it doesn't work out. If you don't go it will be a hard position to come back from.

 

[Pear trees]

I think my mum has been suffering from dementia for over 40 years, judging from the way she has spoken to and treated all her family! My brother has not seen or spoken to her in over 5 years, and will have nothing to do with her. I also had little contact with her before dementia was diagnosed 4 years ago.
My brother and I live very separate lives with little contact. He invites me to his family's weddings and parties etc, but is always relieved when I say I have to work. He also refuses my invites due to work commitments. This arrangement and understanding works fine for us.
Maybe you could attend the wedding and go to the reception for a short time then leave as early as politely possible, then it's up to you how and when you meet up again.

 

[theunknown]

Unfortunately I think the idea of being a 'family' that we're socially fed doesn't apply for a lot of people. Some people have family lives that adversely affect them and they find it difficult to move on from that. Does this mean that an adult child should put this behind them because the parent develops mental health problems/dementia? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that guilt is a very powerful emotion.

 

[Louby65]

Personally Cat64 I would go to the wedding . Perhaps in its own way , it's an olive branch . I have had family treat me bad over the years but I have always tried my best with them . Maybe some people will criticise me for that , maybe they think I'm too soft . Family dynamics really are a mind field . Maybe by going , it will be the start of a new chapter for you and your brother . I know you are angry for the past 4 years . I'm not saying it will be easy but it's certainly a fresh start . If you feel that you are more likely to confront him about things then the wedding is not the right place . Perhaps you have learned to cope better with your mum , it sounds like he didn't cope . I'm sure your dad would appreciate you being there to support him . Best wishes , Lou

 

[Grable]

Lots of us have been in this kind of situation, and I can really understand your feelings, but ....

If you don't got to the wedding, you are basically burning a bridge and upset your father. At some point in a situation like this, if your family is to stay together, somebody has to reach out. It looks like your brother and his fiancé have started the process. Can you bring yourself to go?

 

[Lyra]

You don't have to go...

My mum with vascular dementia has been in her care home since march and is settling in her own way ...at least she is eating more and is being supervised.. The home has just had an unannounced inspection and is good across the board so thats good.

My problem is my brother who 4 years ago said mum had been callous for that long he wasnt going to see her any more ....and he hasn't!! hence mucking up family dynamics, upseting my dad , I haven't seen my niece and my kids havent had their uncle at their 21sts! [ he wouldnt come in case mum was there!!]
I have NO IDEA why he has said this ....yes she has always been a bit bloody minded and nasty at times but my sister and I have put this down to the dementia.

The last few years have been horrible...sorting mum out so she can stay in her house, sorting problems long distance etc etc I am exhausted, stressed and there have been lots of tears. WHY OR WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?? ANY IDEAS??

And now the problem...........my little bro has just announced he is marrying his long term girlfriend.....a lovely lady who I truly hope will be happy with him...but he says there is an invite on the way for us.............I have never felt like this ever but I really dont know whether to go......it feels hypocritical..but dont want to upset his girlfriend.....she is doing her best to include the whole family [she sends cards at xmas, chocolate to the kids etc].............do I just go and stay well away from him? I really dont want to explode at a wedding but at the mo there is 4 years of anger buidling up?......im sure my dad will go and I ought to go for him.

just speak words of wisdom and calm me down..........have other relations done this??

I'm also invited to a family wedding and don't feel that enthusiastic about going. There was also a similar problem with a sibling and their reactions to our mothers dementia. I have tried over the years to understand our differences, but I've finally come to the conclusion that life is too short. If you feel angry and upset I don't think you're under any obligation to go to the wedding. It is only a wedding. Do what feels best for you.

 

[1mindy]

When my mum had dementia my brother and sister hardly visited her in the home over a 4 year period, I did it all. My daughter was 17 at the time and she ws cross with them and couldnt understand why they didnt visit their mum. Now she is 26 and her father is in a home and she doesnt visit , she says its the way she can cope and no longer sees their actions as she used to and can now understand. We are all different and families are often very complex dynamics. I have not seen or spoken to my sister since mums funeral nearly nine years ago and I miss her so much, but there is no going back, my brother hasnt spoken to her in over 20 years sad. Try and go to the wedding, dont be angry, try to let all this go and start a new chapter. If it breaks down again then you can reassess. I so bitterly regret loosing my sister.

 

[Lawson58]

I am wondering if you have met the girlfriend or know her a little.

She sounds as if she is trying hard to keep the family connection and she may ultimately be the way for you and your brother to find a reasonable point of communication. Would it be helpful to meet her first, have a coffee and a chat and then see how you feel. I didn't have contact with my siblings for many years over other issues but I have attended a couple of family reunions in recent years (they live 2 hours flight away) and am pleased that I have done that.

We can't undo any of the things that have happened but we can look to the future which hopefully means mending fences.